I spent all this week in bed, which isn't good. It took we a while to realize that it was out of sadness and not time change adjustment from the Palm Springs trip. Basically all I felt like doing was sleeping, it is my favourite escape and always has been when I am feeling depressed.
There is a lot to be sad about for sure but I found this escape into bed to be paired with the horrible negative thoughts that I often get when in a depressive crash, hopelessness, not wanting to be alive, not looking forward to anything, despair, etc. Hoping I caught it early I have decided to do the following every day and try to track it in my planner:
- Something for me
--- Mental health related: Eating well, exercise, baths, counselling, etc.
- Something for the cafe
--- Continuation of closing down Flipside: Paperwork, liquidation, financials, etc.
- Something for a job
--- Time to job hunt, which is always hard: Applications, follow ups, resume updates, etc
- Something for the house
--- It isn't fair for Jason to keep doing everything: Laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.
- A blog post
--- It feels good to get Always Standing updated again, so adding this to the list!
Showing posts with label Suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Suicide. Show all posts
Saturday, 23 November 2019
Wednesday, 8 February 2017
Motherhood - Just Disappear
I was watching Hockey Wives with Tessa on Monday. (I would like to state that it was not my decision of show, I don't like it very much - but I can't judge her choice, I like a lot of reality TV and none of it is good.) One of the women had a baby recently and talks to her friend about how tiring motherhood is because her son isn't sleeping through the night yet. She said this, while giggling:
I don’t want anything bad to happen to me. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. But if the world just blew up and everybody just ended at the same time, I’d be fine with that. That’s how tired I am.
This rings so close to depression. I have had these thoughts, they are the precursor to wanting to die. It isn't quite there yet, it is the desire to just not exist anymore in a way that avoids pain for friends and family - it is very close to a suicide fantasy. However, it also rings so true to what I image parents might think or feel at times.
I don’t want anything bad to happen to me. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. But if the world just blew up and everybody just ended at the same time, I’d be fine with that. That’s how tired I am.
This rings so close to depression. I have had these thoughts, they are the precursor to wanting to die. It isn't quite there yet, it is the desire to just not exist anymore in a way that avoids pain for friends and family - it is very close to a suicide fantasy. However, it also rings so true to what I image parents might think or feel at times.
Sunday, 8 November 2015
Third Person, No Capitals
Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A post about my Dad each Sunday, named after a song that he loved.
In one Sunday Mornin' Coming Down post I shared the last comment my dad made on Always Standing before he died. This past week I ran across a bunch of comments from him as I made my Throwback Thursday post for April 2007. Dad used to start his comments on my blog with "dad says" or "dad asks" or some other strange third person intro before leaving the comment.
I like the comment he left on (No) Thoughts On Suicide - VI, a post I wrote on April 2, 2007 as I was slowly healing from my most serious depressive episode. About a week later this comment was made:
dad said .it is great to hear you are feeling more on an even keel . love you . may the wind be on your back always . keep trying
In one Sunday Mornin' Coming Down post I shared the last comment my dad made on Always Standing before he died. This past week I ran across a bunch of comments from him as I made my Throwback Thursday post for April 2007. Dad used to start his comments on my blog with "dad says" or "dad asks" or some other strange third person intro before leaving the comment.
I like the comment he left on (No) Thoughts On Suicide - VI, a post I wrote on April 2, 2007 as I was slowly healing from my most serious depressive episode. About a week later this comment was made:
dad said .it is great to hear you are feeling more on an even keel . love you . may the wind be on your back always . keep trying
Thursday, 8 October 2015
TB - March 2007
Throwback Thursday - Scroll to the bottom of the month and read up. Or click on the earliest post in the month (to view the post and the comments) then keep clicking Newer Post until you finish the month.
So, the difficult part of my 20s has finally arrived in the Throwback Series, it wasn't as scary to read as I thought it would be. It was truly a terrible time, but reading through the month it seems like I did have some positive moments.
Noted Post: The final post on suicide for that month, Thoughts on Suicide - V, is a really strong little statement. It looks like I was doing a really dark 5 part series. The last post would have been written after I started to get help dealing with the massive depressive episode I was going through. Just having suicide ideation explained to me was a small step moving in the right direction. There is power in labeling things.
So, the difficult part of my 20s has finally arrived in the Throwback Series, it wasn't as scary to read as I thought it would be. It was truly a terrible time, but reading through the month it seems like I did have some positive moments.
Noted Post: The final post on suicide for that month, Thoughts on Suicide - V, is a really strong little statement. It looks like I was doing a really dark 5 part series. The last post would have been written after I started to get help dealing with the massive depressive episode I was going through. Just having suicide ideation explained to me was a small step moving in the right direction. There is power in labeling things.
Tuesday, 29 September 2015
Meds For The Body And The Mind
I take two types of medication for my depression every evening. I know they do different things for me but I can never remember which does which. Well, after missing a dose of Effexor Thursday evening and having an embarrassing meltdown at work on Friday (starting crying for no real reason, went for a walk, couldn't stop, had to go home early) I now have a good handle on the different functions of the medications as they work with my body and brain.
Effexor - 3 pink pills - My Body
When don't take these drugs my body becomes depressed and tend to cry. Even while I am crying my mind is thinking, "But, I am happy. This is great. What the F is going on?" It is a very surreal experience to have your body react emotionally without feeling the corresponding emotions.
These drugs are a bit tricky because they are a heavy sedative. If I take them in the morning or during the day I pass out within about 15 minutes - they knock me out cold. I take them at night and when I forget to I have a tendency to just miss the dose. However, they have a half-life and deplete out of my system fairly quickly.
However when these drugs aren't in my system the effect is weird and embarrassing, not particularly dangerous since I still feel fine, my body is just behaving like I don't. I can usually take a does and that improves in a few hours.
Wellbutrin - 1 white pill - My Thoughts
My other medication stops what I consider to be the 'true depression' that I suffer from. When I miss it I start thinking horrible thoughts. I start thinking a lot of about suicide, not making plans, just obsessing about the concept. I think I am worthless and that everyone hates me.
I am scared to miss taking these pills. When I forget at night I take one the next morning and it doesn't matter. However I am very careful to avoid missing a dose. It takes a while for the drug to stop working and the thoughts to return. (And I don't really notice that it is happening, because it just feels natural to have these types of thoughts.) I think missing two doses is probably when it starts to really happen. But I feel like that is dangerous and I work hard not to let it happen.
Effexor - 3 pink pills - My Body
When don't take these drugs my body becomes depressed and tend to cry. Even while I am crying my mind is thinking, "But, I am happy. This is great. What the F is going on?" It is a very surreal experience to have your body react emotionally without feeling the corresponding emotions.
These drugs are a bit tricky because they are a heavy sedative. If I take them in the morning or during the day I pass out within about 15 minutes - they knock me out cold. I take them at night and when I forget to I have a tendency to just miss the dose. However, they have a half-life and deplete out of my system fairly quickly.
However when these drugs aren't in my system the effect is weird and embarrassing, not particularly dangerous since I still feel fine, my body is just behaving like I don't. I can usually take a does and that improves in a few hours.
Wellbutrin - 1 white pill - My Thoughts
My other medication stops what I consider to be the 'true depression' that I suffer from. When I miss it I start thinking horrible thoughts. I start thinking a lot of about suicide, not making plans, just obsessing about the concept. I think I am worthless and that everyone hates me.
I am scared to miss taking these pills. When I forget at night I take one the next morning and it doesn't matter. However I am very careful to avoid missing a dose. It takes a while for the drug to stop working and the thoughts to return. (And I don't really notice that it is happening, because it just feels natural to have these types of thoughts.) I think missing two doses is probably when it starts to really happen. But I feel like that is dangerous and I work hard not to let it happen.
Friday, 3 April 2015
Good Friday
The capacity of people to be good, during the worst times, always astounds me.
-------------- from Facebook, and Wikipedia
An Inspirational Woman - Gisella Perl
Gisella Perl was forced to work as a doctor in Auschwitz concentration camp during the holocaust. She was ordered to report ever pregnant women do the physician Dr. Josef Mengele, who would then use the women for cruel experiments (e.g. vivisection) before killing them.
"I decided that never again would there be a pregnant woman in Auschwitz." She saved hundreds of women by performing abortions on them before their pregnancy was discovered, without having access to basic medical supplies. She became known as the 'Angel of Auschwitz'.
After being rescued from Bergen-Belsen concentration camp she tried to commit suicide, but survived, recovered and kept working as a gynecologist, delivering more than 3000 babies.
-------------- from Facebook, and Wikipedia
An Inspirational Woman - Gisella Perl
Gisella Perl was forced to work as a doctor in Auschwitz concentration camp during the holocaust. She was ordered to report ever pregnant women do the physician Dr. Josef Mengele, who would then use the women for cruel experiments (e.g. vivisection) before killing them.
"I decided that never again would there be a pregnant woman in Auschwitz." She saved hundreds of women by performing abortions on them before their pregnancy was discovered, without having access to basic medical supplies. She became known as the 'Angel of Auschwitz'.
After being rescued from Bergen-Belsen concentration camp she tried to commit suicide, but survived, recovered and kept working as a gynecologist, delivering more than 3000 babies.
Wednesday, 1 April 2015
Eyes, Unblinking
So raw, I might as well peel off my skin
12" slice along the inside of my forearm
Pull back the flesh, expose the red
Cutters must cut because they forget
What does physical pain feel like?
Disbelieving that it can even be felt
Staring until my eyes dry out
Lids can't close over spheres of crumpled paper
Nothing to look at, nothing to hope for
Crash, in slow motion
12" slice along the inside of my forearm
Pull back the flesh, expose the red
Cutters must cut because they forget
What does physical pain feel like?
Disbelieving that it can even be felt
Staring until my eyes dry out
Lids can't close over spheres of crumpled paper
Nothing to look at, nothing to hope for
Crash, in slow motion
CS, 2015
Monday, 16 March 2015
Big Emotions
---------- from Facebook (A poster for toddlers, from a page with parenting tips for children aged 1 to 4.)
I think this is universal, not just for children or toddlers! Even as adults, anger can be dangerous and frustration can be overwhelming. These huge emotions often lead us to destructive behaviors and we can 'take it out on' those closest to us. The poster makes me think of emotions that are often connected to other people but these steps could even work with the more solitary negative emotions like fear or sadness.
1. Remind myself that it is never okay to hurt others.
I would adjust this to say "it is never okay to hurt myself or others" to acknowledge self-harm and suicide. It also goes beyond the physical - it is never okay to say or do things, knowingly, for the sole reason of hurting someone. I call this "fighting fair," a lot of us have the power to cause pain with our words - don't do it.
2. Take 3 deep breaths or count slowly to 10.
The counting has never worked for me. When I am extremely upset, I don't even know if I can remember how to count and it definitely doesn't calm me down. I should adjust and try the breathing one.
3. Use my words to say how I feel and what I wish would happen.
So often words are used to hurt, or to blame/accuse. Using 'I' statements is always a good rule when communicating and sharing how you feel can make you reevaluate the situation.
4. Ask for help to solve the problem.
This so difficult. I just want to stew and rant, solutions are not the focus but they should be. I would be able to move past these big negative emotions quicker if I worked at fixing whatever problem caused them instead of just living them. However, there is no way I could jump to this without the first 3 steps.
5. Take time to calm down.
If I went through the first 4 steps successfully, I don't even think that I would need that long to calm down. Though I guess it depends on the situation, and how 'big' the emotions were.
Of course it is important to help children learn to cope. But we should lead by example as well. I do not have the best, most healthy, productive, or logical ways to cope with things that upset me. It is definitely something I should continue to work on to improve.
I think this is universal, not just for children or toddlers! Even as adults, anger can be dangerous and frustration can be overwhelming. These huge emotions often lead us to destructive behaviors and we can 'take it out on' those closest to us. The poster makes me think of emotions that are often connected to other people but these steps could even work with the more solitary negative emotions like fear or sadness.
1. Remind myself that it is never okay to hurt others.
I would adjust this to say "it is never okay to hurt myself or others" to acknowledge self-harm and suicide. It also goes beyond the physical - it is never okay to say or do things, knowingly, for the sole reason of hurting someone. I call this "fighting fair," a lot of us have the power to cause pain with our words - don't do it.
2. Take 3 deep breaths or count slowly to 10.
The counting has never worked for me. When I am extremely upset, I don't even know if I can remember how to count and it definitely doesn't calm me down. I should adjust and try the breathing one.
3. Use my words to say how I feel and what I wish would happen.
So often words are used to hurt, or to blame/accuse. Using 'I' statements is always a good rule when communicating and sharing how you feel can make you reevaluate the situation.
4. Ask for help to solve the problem.
This so difficult. I just want to stew and rant, solutions are not the focus but they should be. I would be able to move past these big negative emotions quicker if I worked at fixing whatever problem caused them instead of just living them. However, there is no way I could jump to this without the first 3 steps.
5. Take time to calm down.
If I went through the first 4 steps successfully, I don't even think that I would need that long to calm down. Though I guess it depends on the situation, and how 'big' the emotions were.
Of course it is important to help children learn to cope. But we should lead by example as well. I do not have the best, most healthy, productive, or logical ways to cope with things that upset me. It is definitely something I should continue to work on to improve.
Sunday, 3 August 2014
My Dad's Songs, P!nk
Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A post about my Dad each Sunday, named after a song that he loved.
My dad likes all types of music. So tons of songs remind me of him. Including this one:
He had a lot of P!nk's songs, but I always liked hearing that this one was on his playlist.
NOTE: After publishing this post, I noticed that I started it in the present tense again. However, it appears that I switched it for the past in the short second section of text. Normally I would correct spelling/grammar upon noticing errors after posting - but I am not going to with this one.
My dad likes all types of music. So tons of songs remind me of him. Including this one:
P!nk - Perfect
He had a lot of P!nk's songs, but I always liked hearing that this one was on his playlist.
NOTE: After publishing this post, I noticed that I started it in the present tense again. However, it appears that I switched it for the past in the short second section of text. Normally I would correct spelling/grammar upon noticing errors after posting - but I am not going to with this one.
Wednesday, 23 April 2014
Slow Internet In Starbucks
It's getting to me.
Day in. Day out.
The days drag by.
Discouraged!
Slow and sad.
Feeling stifled.
It seems so unending.
Suffocating!
Don't throw your hope at me.
I am where hope goes to die.
Twist it. Hate it.
Unmotivated.
My balance of sanity rests on the tip of a needle. Wobbling on a tiny point of a pin. How can it be so fragile? Why is my mind so weak against the normal storms of existence? A light breeze sends me toppling down to a crumbled pile on the ground. It doesn't even take a set back, I could cry at the slightest thing.
How do you know your crazy? When your day is over because the internet is slow in Starbucks. All problem solving abilities are gone - my whole being just shutting down. Depressed. Indignant to any suggestion of adjustment. No! I don't want to figure out something like a normal person. I want to go home and crawl into bed and hide under the covers and cry. Because the internet was slow in Starbucks. It took too much, too much to even get here and now I can't do anything. Because the internet is slow in Starbucks. As I write it, I hear it. Even before that, I knew. I know. I understand that it is stupid. That I am ridiculous. But that doesn't change it.
At least the internet being slow at Starbucks doesn't stop me from writing bullshit on my blog as my mind drifts away to the dark and everything that I am completely steps away from reality.
Day in. Day out.
The days drag by.
Discouraged!
Slow and sad.
Feeling stifled.
It seems so unending.
Suffocating!
Don't throw your hope at me.
I am where hope goes to die.
Twist it. Hate it.
Unmotivated.
My balance of sanity rests on the tip of a needle. Wobbling on a tiny point of a pin. How can it be so fragile? Why is my mind so weak against the normal storms of existence? A light breeze sends me toppling down to a crumbled pile on the ground. It doesn't even take a set back, I could cry at the slightest thing.
How do you know your crazy? When your day is over because the internet is slow in Starbucks. All problem solving abilities are gone - my whole being just shutting down. Depressed. Indignant to any suggestion of adjustment. No! I don't want to figure out something like a normal person. I want to go home and crawl into bed and hide under the covers and cry. Because the internet was slow in Starbucks. It took too much, too much to even get here and now I can't do anything. Because the internet is slow in Starbucks. As I write it, I hear it. Even before that, I knew. I know. I understand that it is stupid. That I am ridiculous. But that doesn't change it.
At least the internet being slow at Starbucks doesn't stop me from writing bullshit on my blog as my mind drifts away to the dark and everything that I am completely steps away from reality.
Wednesday, 16 April 2014
Chart It
Chart For The Next 28 Days
I needed to make a list
A list everyday
Eat 3 meals, floss, walk
Search, apply, repeat
When my daydreams get bad
I run home
Everyone saw it coming
Even me, I was scared
I wish I was stronger
Thursday, 20 March 2014
7 Years Later
I looked back and it was in May of 2007 that I was last in France, when I went to go and visit Anna. Here are some great throwback posts.
- Bon Voyage Party : I guess travel during that time in our life was rare? Or it was just an excuse to get a cake for a party.
- First Day : I still think this little poem describes Paris well, I will see with this trip if it is accurate.
- Tears of Love : A very emotional post about the Eiffel Tower. 2007 was also the year of my biggest mental breakdown and there was a chance that I wasn't going to be able to go to Paris.
- Wishing : Me looking out over the city while up at the Eiffel Tower.
- Anna's Back!! : A great picture of Anna with bikes and the Eiffel Tower in the back ground.
- My Best Digital Photo Ever : The picture of the Eiffel Tower that I took while visiting Anna. It is still probably the best shot I have ever taken. I used to have a big colour photo of it up on my wall in a floating frame but my dad broke the frame in a move and I never bothered to replace it. I gave a small copy to my uncle and another to Teri (it is in their Paris-inspired bathroom in the new house).
- Bon Voyage Party : I guess travel during that time in our life was rare? Or it was just an excuse to get a cake for a party.
- First Day : I still think this little poem describes Paris well, I will see with this trip if it is accurate.
- Tears of Love : A very emotional post about the Eiffel Tower. 2007 was also the year of my biggest mental breakdown and there was a chance that I wasn't going to be able to go to Paris.
- Wishing : Me looking out over the city while up at the Eiffel Tower.
- Anna's Back!! : A great picture of Anna with bikes and the Eiffel Tower in the back ground.
- My Best Digital Photo Ever : The picture of the Eiffel Tower that I took while visiting Anna. It is still probably the best shot I have ever taken. I used to have a big colour photo of it up on my wall in a floating frame but my dad broke the frame in a move and I never bothered to replace it. I gave a small copy to my uncle and another to Teri (it is in their Paris-inspired bathroom in the new house).
Thursday, 29 November 2012
Lovely Mushtashioed Men
2013 Mo Bros
- Jason Woods, my lovely boyfriend, Jason's MoSpace Page
- Drew Stewart, an Aussie friend of mine, Drew's MoSpace Page
- James Harris, long-time family friend, James' MoSpace Page
Friday, 5 October 2012
Crash & Cry
So yesterday I spent 6:30am to 11:00am crying - for no reason, or for lots of little insignificant reasons, depends how you look at. "I hate myself. I hate my life." When I get that upset, I end up making myself ill; so, I also threw up a bit. It was all really awful and after a crash like that I don't feel like myself for a while. It will take some time to get back to normal. I am functioning today - at work, awake, feeling human.
Lessons Learned (for what feels like the millionth time): My medication is important and must be taken everyday and refilled before it runs out. I need lots of sleep. It is important to eat right and exercise.
Lessons Learned (for what feels like the millionth time): My medication is important and must be taken everyday and refilled before it runs out. I need lots of sleep. It is important to eat right and exercise.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
A Better Email
I was very happy to find the following in my inbox yesterday:
From: Ryerson
To: Me
Sent: Wednesday, May 16, 2012 8:07 PM
Subject: Eligibility to Graduate
Dear Christine:
On behalf of the Ryerson Community, we are pleased to extend our congratulations on your successful completion of all courses required to graduate with a Master of Arts - Literature of Modernity at the Spring 2012 Convocation.
An official letter which includes your Convocation tickets has been sent to your mailing address. After you receive the official letter of eligibility and your Convocation tickets, you must confirm whether or not you will be attending the convocation ceremony by going to the RSVP website.
Again, congratulations on your success and we look forward to seeing you at convocation.
The Office of Curriculum Advising, Ryerson University
This is MUCH better than the one I got 8 months ago in September. I knew early in September that my thesis was not finished and I would need to stay on at Ryerson for another semester to continue to work on it, however I had applied to graduate min-summer so they still reviewed the file. Even though I knew that I wasn't going to be graduating with the rest of my class in October, it was still pretty rough to read this email:
From: Ryerson
To: Me
Sent: Wednesday, September 28, 2011 2:18 PM
Subject: Application to Graduate
Dear Christine:
Your academic record has been carefully reviewed by the Office of Curriculum Advising.
We regret to inform you that you did not meet Ryerson's graduation requirements as set out by Senate. You are therefore not eligible to graduate with a Master of Arts - Literature of Modernity at the Fall 2011 Convocation.
A formal copy of this email message has been mailed to your address.
If you have any questions or concerns regarding your eligibility to graduate, please contact us immediately. We would like to assure you that your application was given every consideration, but recognize that we may have been unaware of all the factors concerning your academic record.
We wish you every success in fulfilling the outstanding requirements. Please also remember that in order to be considered for graduation at the Spring 2012 Convocation, you must submit a new application to graduate between November 1st, 2011 and February 27th, 2012.
The Office of Curriculum Advising, Ryerson University
I am so glad to be finished with my Masters. It was a pretty awful year and a half for me; I barely made it through alive (literally). One of the many embarrassing things about taking an extra semester is that I am graduating when NO ONE ELSE in my program is. I had assumed that I would have convocation with the following year's class, this coming October. However, I will be alone at the June ceremony, which means people from my department have to come to 'hood me'. I'm sure this is a pain for them, but I am very glad to be going through this final process to be completely done!
From: Ryerson
The Office of Curriculum Advising, Ryerson University
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Fuck February
I have realised that February has pretty much always been an awful month for me. Some really horrible things have happened to me during various Februaries.
- I have nearly been fired, twice
- I have actually been fired, once
- My Grandma died a few years ago in February, I think
- Binx died last February
- I nearly failed an entire semester of my undergrad
- I went through two horrible breakups
- On two separate occasions in previous Februaries I have been suicidal
Basically it is the month when my depression has the tendency to be at its worst, which has lead to disastrous situations in my academic, work, social, and love life. I really want to get through this month without anything getting messed up.
This February has the potential to be a bit of a perfect storm for depression for the following reasons:
- I have been eating badly for a few months
- I have been out of shape for many months
- I am only just out of my last bought of serious depression
- I am no longer seeing my councillor through Ryerson
- I am adjusting to life not being a student
- My work is very busy with lots of projects on the go
- My parents are away and I miss them
- I have no money and it is stressing me out
- It is damp, cold, dark, and grey
However, I will not let it win this time. I am going to fight my hardest and my smartest this month so that the depression stays away. Here's how:
- I'm very careful about always properly taking my medication
- My friends and family are amazingly supportive
- I'm in a new relationship that I'm really excited about
- I have started to use a 'sun lamp' every morning
- Two is at a really fun stage, crazy and a bit cuddly
- I have been watching my sleep schedule carefully, getting at least 7hrs
- The CAMH CBT group is going well
- I am going to the gym regularly
- I have restarted the Curves diet and am working at eating well
- Rrunuv Bayit is tidy, Kristen is a huge help in this
- I quit Tim Hortons to focus on keeping everything else on track
- My loan is coming soon
- I'm trying to be honest and forthcoming with everyone
(Please consider this post to be me working towards that last point.)
- I have nearly been fired, twice
- I have actually been fired, once
- My Grandma died a few years ago in February, I think
- Binx died last February
- I nearly failed an entire semester of my undergrad
- I went through two horrible breakups
- On two separate occasions in previous Februaries I have been suicidal
Basically it is the month when my depression has the tendency to be at its worst, which has lead to disastrous situations in my academic, work, social, and love life. I really want to get through this month without anything getting messed up.
This February has the potential to be a bit of a perfect storm for depression for the following reasons:
- I have been eating badly for a few months
- I have been out of shape for many months
- I am only just out of my last bought of serious depression
- I am no longer seeing my councillor through Ryerson
- I am adjusting to life not being a student
- My work is very busy with lots of projects on the go
- My parents are away and I miss them
- I have no money and it is stressing me out
- It is damp, cold, dark, and grey
However, I will not let it win this time. I am going to fight my hardest and my smartest this month so that the depression stays away. Here's how:
- I'm very careful about always properly taking my medication
- My friends and family are amazingly supportive
- I'm in a new relationship that I'm really excited about
- I have started to use a 'sun lamp' every morning
- Two is at a really fun stage, crazy and a bit cuddly
- I have been watching my sleep schedule carefully, getting at least 7hrs
- The CAMH CBT group is going well
- I am going to the gym regularly
- I have restarted the Curves diet and am working at eating well
- Rrunuv Bayit is tidy, Kristen is a huge help in this
- I quit Tim Hortons to focus on keeping everything else on track
- My loan is coming soon
- I'm trying to be honest and forthcoming with everyone
(Please consider this post to be me working towards that last point.)
Monday, 3 October 2011
MIAW - CAMIMH
Mental Illness Awareness Week (MIAW) is organized by the Canadian Alliance on Mental Illness and Mental Health (CAMIMH) which is a group of mental health organizations comprised of health care providers, as well as the mentally ill and their families. I basically think that this is the main lobby group for mental health as the website says: CAMIMH’s mandate is to ensure that mental health is placed on the national agenda so that persons with a lived experience of mental illness and their families receive appropriate access to care and support.
Don't confuse it with the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA), which is a nation-wide, voluntary organization that promotes the mental health of all and supports the resilience and recovery of people experiencing mental illness. The CMHA accomplishes this mission through advocacy, education, research and service. They organize Mental Health Week in the first week of May each year.
Also don't confuse them with The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) which is Canada’s leading addiction and mental health organization, integrating specialized clinical care with innovative research, education, health promotion and policy development. CAMH is Canada's largest mental health and addiction teaching hospital, as well as one of the world's leading research centres in the area of addiction and mental health.
The acronyms are all similar. Their mandates all appear similar as well. They are all different and I don't know how they interact or work amongst each other, however the more mental health related organizations etc. the better!
Don't confuse it with the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA), which is a nation-wide, voluntary organization that promotes the mental health of all and supports the resilience and recovery of people experiencing mental illness. The CMHA accomplishes this mission through advocacy, education, research and service. They organize Mental Health Week in the first week of May each year.
Also don't confuse them with The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) which is Canada’s leading addiction and mental health organization, integrating specialized clinical care with innovative research, education, health promotion and policy development. CAMH is Canada's largest mental health and addiction teaching hospital, as well as one of the world's leading research centres in the area of addiction and mental health.
The acronyms are all similar. Their mandates all appear similar as well. They are all different and I don't know how they interact or work amongst each other, however the more mental health related organizations etc. the better!
MIAW
Mental Illness Awareness Week (MIAW) is this week (October 2-8, 2011). This is so fitting as I have been in what Kristen describes as "a funk" lately. The goal of MIAW is to end the stigma associated with mental illness, and ensure better understanding and access to diagnosis and treatment.
Stay tuned for a series of posts this week related to mental health. While many will be related to Depression, I promise they won't all be depressing.
Stay tuned for a series of posts this week related to mental health. While many will be related to Depression, I promise they won't all be depressing.
Sunday, 5 December 2010
Search & Find
I lost myself a little yesterday. I guess I saw it coming, I could feel it pulling me back for about a month now. September and October had some rough moments but they were all tangible, related to Binx or because I was adjusting to a new city and a new life. But, November has felt different, there has just been this dark cloud hanging around, and I'm used to the dark cloud coming around sometimes but this one was shooting some really bad thoughts into my head, I guess you could go with some sort of extended storm and lightening metaphor if you're feeling poetic.
I haven't felt that/this awful in a long time. I haven't thought those things in what I would like to think has been years. Feeling so worthless. Feeling so hopeless. Feeling like life is so pointless. But at the same time, somehow feeling nothing. How is that even possible? Pain and nothingness? Just this empty pit, my body feels hollow and it makes me nauseous. Just sitting on the kitchen floor crying for no reason, I don't know why it always seems to be in the kitchen.
I had felt it for so long, and had been fighting it. I would wake up in the morning, stare at the ceiling and know that it was there but I willed myself to get up everyday and trudge on through. I was so looking forward to writing a post at the end of the week saying -Look, it was here but I got through it, I didn't let it win this time.- I don't feel like I can really write that anymore. I think people knew there was something wrong, something looming, I could occasionally hear the concern and fear in their voices, and if I, the most socially oblivious person in the world, could pick up on it, then some people definitely knew.
I'm sorry, I'm trying to crawl back up to the surface, I guess the storm metaphor is gone and we have moved on to a water one now. Please understand that I don't want to be here. I am scared that this is happening and I hate it. I am sorry to everyone, especially those tied in for one reason or another, it is tough and I wish it wasn't this way.
I haven't felt that/this awful in a long time. I haven't thought those things in what I would like to think has been years. Feeling so worthless. Feeling so hopeless. Feeling like life is so pointless. But at the same time, somehow feeling nothing. How is that even possible? Pain and nothingness? Just this empty pit, my body feels hollow and it makes me nauseous. Just sitting on the kitchen floor crying for no reason, I don't know why it always seems to be in the kitchen.
I had felt it for so long, and had been fighting it. I would wake up in the morning, stare at the ceiling and know that it was there but I willed myself to get up everyday and trudge on through. I was so looking forward to writing a post at the end of the week saying -Look, it was here but I got through it, I didn't let it win this time.- I don't feel like I can really write that anymore. I think people knew there was something wrong, something looming, I could occasionally hear the concern and fear in their voices, and if I, the most socially oblivious person in the world, could pick up on it, then some people definitely knew.
I'm sorry, I'm trying to crawl back up to the surface, I guess the storm metaphor is gone and we have moved on to a water one now. Please understand that I don't want to be here. I am scared that this is happening and I hate it. I am sorry to everyone, especially those tied in for one reason or another, it is tough and I wish it wasn't this way.
Monday, 27 September 2010
MouseMouse
My parents called last night - Binx is not well. It sounds like she probably had a stroke. She has lost the use of her back legs. (Very suddenly, at noon she is running around yelling to be fed, and two hours later she has to move by dragging herself places.) I called for updates a couple of times last night and a few more times today. No improvements. I had my mom take her to the litterbox before heading to bed, after being placed in it she pulled herself forward and then did a somersault out. This was probably pretty amusing to see, as Binx has never been a graceful cat. I am pretty shaken up by the news and had a horrible nights sleep, interspersed with bouts of crying. I'm heading home on the train this evening and will be taking her into the vet tomorrow to have her put down.
My parents say she seems very unhappy at the moment and her quality of life has taken a nose dive. She was a fairly happy blind cat, but she now can't really move anywhere and has possibly lost control of her bladder (or just can't get to the litterbox because she can't really move.) I don't want her to be unhappy. I am going to spend tonight and tomorrow morning with her before taking her in. It isn't a tough decision, it is the only option. While they may theoretically make kitty-wheelchairs, Binx is too old and too dumb to ever use one. It is her time. (She is 18! Which is 88 in human years.) What makes it more difficult is that she isn't in pain particularly, and if it is a stroke she won't really deteriorate much past this until something else happens. However, I feel like this is the right thing to do. I hope that upon seeing her, this feeling will be confirmed.
I am just so sad. I don't want to live without her. (There is no way to write that without it sounding melodramatic and suicidal, which isn't what I mean. I mean, I love living with Binx! I only didn't live with her for one year when I was in residence and for the last couple of months while I was travelling and painting the apartment here.) I hate the idea that she isn't going to be coming to live with me here in Toronto.
I love her.
My parents say she seems very unhappy at the moment and her quality of life has taken a nose dive. She was a fairly happy blind cat, but she now can't really move anywhere and has possibly lost control of her bladder (or just can't get to the litterbox because she can't really move.) I don't want her to be unhappy. I am going to spend tonight and tomorrow morning with her before taking her in. It isn't a tough decision, it is the only option. While they may theoretically make kitty-wheelchairs, Binx is too old and too dumb to ever use one. It is her time. (She is 18! Which is 88 in human years.) What makes it more difficult is that she isn't in pain particularly, and if it is a stroke she won't really deteriorate much past this until something else happens. However, I feel like this is the right thing to do. I hope that upon seeing her, this feeling will be confirmed.
I am just so sad. I don't want to live without her. (There is no way to write that without it sounding melodramatic and suicidal, which isn't what I mean. I mean, I love living with Binx! I only didn't live with her for one year when I was in residence and for the last couple of months while I was travelling and painting the apartment here.) I hate the idea that she isn't going to be coming to live with me here in Toronto.
I love her.
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