The Reckoning - Fitness

I went to Ottawa a couple of weeks ago and in the middle of my visit had a pretty sizable emotional breakdown. It wasn't depression based, instead it was about my body. I try to be open about my struggles with mental illness, but I am less open about my relationship with my body - its appearance, fitness level, weight, etc. Part of my reason for this is that I just don't think about it very much and the other part is that I have a different relationship than is usually depicted, or that I see from friends and family.

I am fine with how my body is/looks as long as...
- I am still fun, aka I am not holding others back from having a good time

I am often the slowest person on a hike or the last to finish a run. But I can still participate, I join in and enjoy various activities with my friends and family. This is very important to me and every time that Jason and I don't make it to the top of a mountain because we run out of time - my heart breaks and I hate myself and my body. This might seem like a very specific item but it has happened a number of times and it always makes me feel pretty awful about myself.

In Ottawa I felt the same way but at a magnitude never experienced before. Jason and I went to go skating on the canal and after doing up my skates I was unable to actually skate. I am not a good skater but I have never had issues doing it before. Even holding my body in position to skate was painful and the actual motion was exhausting - I was panting and sweating.

It was humiliating. I was devastated. After returning to the bench and taking off my skates, we went right to the car - I couldn't stop crying. To have my fitness level that low made me so angry at myself. I have never experienced these types of feelings about myself and body in this way. Instead of staying for the rest of the weekend in Ottawa, I decided to go home early. It was truly a shattering experience.

I couldn't imagine continuing to stay in Ottawa that weekend while feeling that awful - and I didn't feel comfortable disclosing to all the people I planned to visit that I was so upset because I felt like a useless disgusting fat worthless pile of crap. It isn't nice to hang out with people when upset, but I have done it during depressive episodes before. This was different and I am less comfortable with the realities of the situation. My friends were understanding and, while I still don't like talking about this, I decided to start writing about it to explain a bit to those who were there. This also allows me to share a bit of what is going on with me right now with others.

At Least Someone Is Still Watching

Panda Cheers On The Leafs

Photo by Tessa

Go Canada Go

I love watching the Olympics! Today at work, I am actually listening to them. We have the radio on to listen to the  hockey (men) quarterfinals - Canada against Latvia. It was a nail-bitter of a game, but we made it through to win 2-1. I love all of the events. However, I listen to some hockey on the radio when in the car with Jason and I can follow along well. I hate listening to other sports on the radio though (mainly baseball, I really don't like baseball.) Tomorrow there will be an iPad at work so we can watch the figure skating (women). My boss got me a celebratory cookie from a local bakery.

Signs Of Spring

Long walks to go have dinner
Lots of runners seen along the road
Friends talk of patios
And desserts are offered a la mode

Temperature stays above zero and
Two single friends are now dating
Flowers in my garden bloom
Toronto rinks close their skating

Less are taking Toronto transit
Instead will bike or walk
People put away winter coats
Swans are at Long Point by the flock

And it becomes the perfect time
For me write a really bad rhyme!
 
-- Christine Sweeton, 2013

Day Three

Yesterday, Monday February 18, 2013 (Family Day)

The Plan: I didn't even know! I fell asleep before everyone else on Sunday night and didn't know what the plan was for the following morning.

Reality: Slept until 10:30am and then packed up the cars. Checked out for 11:00am. Went downtown Collingwood and had a leisurely brunch with Jason, Teri, Greg, Mon, Matt, and the others. Skating and/or Cross Country Skiing didn't happen. Started to drive back to Toronto around noon.

It was a great weekend up north! Excited to do it again next year, and for our plans to all go to The Book of Mormon together this spring.

Save Your Tears

Save your tears, it is only the second game; but is this the start of it? I have only been living in Toronto for a few seasons but no matter where I live, I have always loved the Leafs. I can tell you that distance does not dull the pain and I was angry with their poor performance when I lived in Ottawa, and home in Paris (Ontario). The Season Opener in Montreal went well, we won 2 to 1 for those of you who don't follow hockey, but last night, at the Home Opener no less, the Toronto Maple Leafs lost. (Though the last 5 minutes or so were quite exciting but need I remind a professional hockey team that they should play well for the entire game? It is, you know, their job.) Anyway, it is a shortened season, which I guess makes it more like ripping off a band-aid: the hurt will end quickly. Go Leafs Go?

A Statement Of Disappointment

I went to my first ever Toronto Maple Leafs game last night. J got us tickets and we watched them play the Carolina Hurricanes. I had seen a couple of Ottawa Senators games when I lived there but I like the ACC as a stadium way better, even though we were fairly high up the slight lines were great! Also, I like the Leafs and really really am not a fan of the Sens. Sadly, the Leaf's lost, without scoring a single goal but it was still a really fun experience and reminded me again how much I love hockey.

Related to hockey but really connected to all sports - I hate when people boo and heckle. I have always been the type of person who will cheer and clap for the opposing team if they do something particularly impressive. (Last night, despite winning 3-0, the Hurricane's were not all that impressive.) Anyway, booing and heckling is so unsportsmanlike. But I realized what I don't like is when fans of one team do it to the opposing team solely because they are the opposing team - that is what is truly unsportsmanlike about it, as they are ignoring the sport of it and reacting to just the emotions tied to it. But when your own team plays badly, or borderline gives up bothering to play, wouldn't this booing just be a statement of disappointment? A critic of their 'work,' connected to their lack of talent or effort? We cheer when our team does well, wouldn't it make sense to boo at glaring errors as well? To cheer when the opposing team falters or boo when they succeed is more unsportsmanlike. What about when the reaction connects with the action, booing for bad playing?

I also don't like any booing, heckling, or negativity in general at an amateur or youth sporting event. I think that is ridiculous and counter productive in terms of fostering talent and enjoyment of the sport. However, last night at the ACC, we were not watching children, or amateurs, we were watching people who are paid a lot of money to play hockey and we were a very large group of people who had paid a lot of money to watch them. I think there maybe a place for negativity in this case.

Near the end of the game, after a disappointing loss, the crowd started cheering "Go Blue Jays Go" which I found quite funny but I did not join in. I just don't think I could ever be someone who would boo at anything, it just seems too cruel. However, I am starting to think about it differently and am more okay with others doing it.

Now, the fact that the stadium is always sold out and that there is a huge waiting list for seasons tickets and the jerseys, apparel, etc sells well, means that the powers that be in the world of Toronto Maple Leafs are continuing to make a lot of money. While it would be nice for the team to do well, they don't need to really work at it that hard. I don't think booing is going to change anything - except maybe make players less likely to want to play for a team whose fans behave in this manner. Really - money talks. But, the game was awesome to see and I would pay to go to another so the cycle continues.

Learn To Swim

This is a precursor to my Life Jacket Rant that I will be posting soon.

I feel very strongly about water safety and I don't take time spent on, in, or near water lightly. I believe that it is a parent's responsibility to ensure that their children can swim. They need to do everything they can to prepare children for the water and help them become as strong a swimmer as possible - this means putting them in swimming lessons. If for some reason they can't afford swimming lessons or they aren't available, then parents should work extremely hard themselves to teach their children to swim.

Teaching children to swim and be comfortable in the water is up there with reading for me. (In Canada it is nice if parents spend a bit of time trying to teach children to skate but I feel like this is not a responsibility or duty since skating is not an essential skill, however reading and swimming are.) Canada is surrounded by 3 oceans, the exact number of lakes in Canada is unknown but there are tons, lots of people have swimming pools, communities have public pools, and many family trips involve water of some kind. Water is a part of our culture and it is dangerous.

A friend posted the article below on facebook and I couldn't believe how much I didn't know about drowning. It is a much more serious problem, in terms of number of deaths, than I had thought and I had no idea what it 'looked like.'

Read: Drowning Doesn’t Look Like Drowning
by Mario Vittone

Ice Skating

Last night, Jer, Linds, and I went skating for the first time this year. The canal isn't open yet so we went to Brewer Park and didn't stay out very long. I realised that my skates very very very much needed sharpening again this year. I always forget that you have to do it every year because I don't get my snowboard done every year and it is fine. Today I took Jer and mine skates into the Home Hardware in the Glebe (for those of you in Ottawa) and it was only $5 for a pair, which is really good. Last year I had to get it done in New York City and it was something crazy like $20 US. The year before I had got it done at Carleton's Ice House and I think it was $15, so Glebe Hardware is a good deal!

Now I have the Ice Skating Song in my head....Ice skating is nice skating, but here's some advice about ice skating, never skate where the ice is thin, thin ice can crack and you'll fall right in, and come out with icicles under your chin, if you skate where the ice is thin....I don't really know where that song is from. Maybe it is from Girl Guides or school when I was little, I can't really remember.

New York City Highlights

I still haven't had a chance to go through my many pictures from New York but I thought I would share some thoughts on the trip:
-Jerrica and I can only recognize three buildings: Rockefeller, Chrysler, and Empire State
-free New York bagels for breakfast at the hostel really hits the spot in the morning
-the Staten Island Ferry is a free way to see the Statue of Liberty and New York skyline
-at night people play Beatles music at the Imagine Circle in Strawberry Fields
-Trump Tower is huge, he is definitely compensating for something
-the Village is so clean is actually smells like bleach
-standing outside all night in the cold is worth it for SNL tickets
-Central Park is truly a haven
-the frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity is really as good as all the rave reviews say, and we stayed at the table used in the movie
-I love art deco architecture
-saw a real New York rat, both a live one and a dead one
-Brooklyn is a ways from the island of Manhattan
-waiting to see if our #16 and #17 stand-by tickets were good enough to get into the dress rehearsal of SNL was the longest 30 minutes of my life
-it was really good to have stayed with Matt for the first few days, nice to have a familiar face in a big city
-from Top Of The Rock the city is beautiful and romantic at night but more impressive during the day
-you have to pay to get on most ice rinks and no one owns skates, they pretty much all rent them
-there was a creepy man at the When Harry Met Sally table in the famous Katz's Deli
-American money looks weird
-we met Andy, Jorma, and Akiva from The Lonely Island!!!!
-the Chrysler building is my favorite and Jerrica got me a model of it for Christmas
-4:30 to 6:30 in the afternoon is worst time period for trying to take pictures
-got to go through the Lincoln Tunnel
-if you go to Canal St. to haggle for a purse be sure to take small bills as it makes the entire process easier
-the Statue of Liberty is really small
-when I told someone that I lived in the capital of Canada and they asked me if Ontario was the capital
-saw the Friends apartment building
-Ground Zero isn't very moving but the memorial to the servicemen that is beside it is heartbreaking
-the Christmas window displays are breathtaking, super intricate and move
-I forgot how many toll booth there are in the States
-spent so much time at Rockefeller Centre we started calling it "our 'hood"
-train had to stop in Albany because of trees down on the tracks and we took a bus the rest of the way
-Matt may have made fun of us for our pop culture location visits but he has been to a lot of the Seinfeld ones
-the southern Financial District isn't very recognizable and reminds me a little bit of Toronto
-truly "the city that never sleeps" and we spent our days from 2:00 in the afternoon to usually about 4:00 in the morning
-I look super awkward when posing for pictures with celebrities
-10 hours is a long time on a train
-Jerrica and I split a potato skins appetizer at T.G.I.Fridays as a meal and couldn't finish it
-skated on Wollman Rink in Central Park and the rink at Rockefeller Centre
-you have to be very very rich to live in Manhattan
-there was so much to see and we barely scratched the surface, I can't wait to go back and visit again

Beavertail Cheating

I had my first Beavertail of the season this afternoon. I think I cheated though, because I had it on the canal, but wasn't skating. I was walking home from work, and instead of walking up the stairs across the bridge over the canal and then back down the stairs, I cut across the ice as the canal was open for skating. Not only was I not skating, but I was also lazily shortening my route home. They are getting really expensive though and I don't know how many more I will have this winter, $3.75 for the basic one. I love them, so tasty, and even the name sounds patriotic.

Random Night

I had to close the store tonight. I spent most of the time talking on the phone and catching up with my parents, Ter, and Steph. Afterwards I surprised Ami by taking her down to Winterlude. I could not believe how many ice sculptures there are this year. Some of them are so incredible it is almost unbelievable that they are done in ice. It was so cold, we didn't realise at the time but Environment Canada had issued a Wind Chill warning since it was -28 degrees Celsius, -41 with wind chill. After freezing our asses off looking at the ice we headed to Oz for late night Hot Chocolate and Baileys, alas Oz had already called Last Call. W. was there and the three of us went to go and grab a bite to eat at the diner. Mid conversation I find out that my skates, which have been missing, are at his house. I'm furious, but laughing cause it is so a W. thing, especially since he has known for over a month and keeps forgetting to call me about it. After the diner we walked there to pick them up. It was such a fun night and the best part was finding my pretty white figure skates!

My Latest Love

On Superbowl Sunday I decided to turn on the TV to watch some men in tights. Not football players, figure skaters. I ran across coverage of the U.S. Figure Skating Championships and instantly fell in love with the gold and silver medal winners. Besides the fact that their long programs were amazing, these guys are smoking hot!! A quick check on the internet and I have access to tons of information about them, except their sexual orientations. Gold medal winner Evan Lysacek (Left) is a year younger than me, 6'1", from Illinois but trains in California. He placed second in last years U.S. Championships and went on to get bronze at the 2006 Worlds. I will be watching this year to see how he does. Ryan Bradley (Right), although not as hot, maybe my favorite, he placed 2nd so will also be going to this years Worlds. A total underdog, having never placed in the top five before this silver medal win. He is originally from Missouri but now is a student at the University of Colorado, and trains in Colorado Springs. 5'11" and a year older then me, he is an excellent combination of cute and sexy. How could I ever choose between these two amazing guys, even if they are American, have never met me, hard core and busy athletes, and probably already in relationships, well I can dream can't I? Oh sweet sweet figure skating love.

Melting

The weather today is like springtime. Although it was fun leaping over puddles on my way to school, I have to say I'm wishing for snow. Everything is muddy and grey. It is warm and nice, but I want to go skating. It was particularly depressing walking through the park since the boards are all up for the ice rinks. Ami is right, Ottawa without snow sucks.