Alone Together

------- from The Internet, about The Internet

" When we place ourselves out there on the Internet, on social media and in comments sections and maybe even in overwritten reviews of TV comedies, we’re not really placing “ourselves” out there. We’re placing the version of ourselves that we want the world to see, the version that’s cooler or smarter or funnier than the real human being making those posts. We are, in some sense, reducing ourselves to fictional characters, less susceptible to pain or anger, at least until people needle at us, and we act as if that needling is directly attacking our core selves, instead of just some projection we’ve made to get more popular online. And that can turn destructive! The version of myself who writes these reviews is very different from the version who posts on Twitter, and both of those guys are nothing like the real me, who has insecurities and doubts and fears that the Internet doesn’t want to hear about. Yet the wish to be liked (or “liked”) is all-pervasive. I would gladly wear a party hat if you guys would give me some upvotes.

Or, put another way, think of these comments, and how so many of you used to freak out at the notion of downvoting (before Disqus took away the ability to see how many people had downvoted you—which I think was the right call). Or think of maybe when you make a post on Twitter, and nobody interacts with it, or when you say something on Tumblr, and nobody reblogs it, or, heaven forfend, when you post a cat picture on Facebook, and nobody cares. None of us wants to feel like we are all alone in the universe, calling out to nobody in particular. And the Internet has made it that much easier to find communities of people we feel like we belong with. But it’s also made it that much easier to hide the pieces of ourselves we don’t really like from those people, when even the act of sharing your deepest, darkest secrets can be a kind of performance art. There are both good and bad sides to this, but when somebody breaks the compact—when they don’t notice you or downvote you without saying why or just generally behave like assholes—it makes it that much harder to react without going Vesuvius all over the place. "

---- Emily Todd VanDerWerff

This has been said so many times, in so many ways, but when I ran across these two paragraphs recently they resonated. They were actually written as part of an AV Club review for an episode of the show Community. (Highly recommended for anyone who hasn't watched it. Also great as a re-watch which Jason and I are doing at the moment.) This context is probably why some of the sentences above don't make sense. The episode being reviewed was called “App Development And Condiments” which has a phone app called MeowMeowBeenz where people at the community college campus that the show is based rate each other in real time out of five.Obviously things spiral way out of control. It reminded me of a Blackmirror episode, which actually aired later, that was, like all Blackmirror episodes, super upsetting/disturbing.

Angry With Panic Buying

So, the coronavirus has been causing general worry and panic across the world lately. With good reason, at the moment Canada has a bit less then 150 cases, with one death. Yesterday, the World Health Organization (WHO) characterized the situation as a pandemic stating that, "There are now more than 118,000 cases in 114 countries, and 4,291 people have lost their lives."

However, the response by the general public has been a bit frustrating. People are rushing to stores to stockpile supplies, most commonly water and toilet paper. This was partially magnified by officials urging Canadians to have supplies to stay indoors under self-quarantine for 2-weeks. The issue is that, people often don't know how much they need to get through that time period so overbuy to ensure they are covered.

Buying of water is strange because there is no threat to our water supply, it is safe and will be ongoing. However, a few times the instructions stated that households should have water for 2-weeks as well. I think in this case it is for places that don't have drinking water in their taps (certain buildings or communities sadly have to purchase potable water.) And for those households they should have enough on hand to make sure they don't need to go get more mid-way through a 2-week self-quarantine.

The clearing out of toilet paper has been confusing me. Then I came across an article today (lots actually, but I liked the one from CNBC the best) that explained it is a mental thing, illogical in general but psychologically makes sense.

“Fear is contagious,” says Steven Taylor, a professor of psychiatry at the University of British Columbia and author of the Psychology of Pandemics. “We pick up cues by looking to other people—it’s how stampedes happen in stadiums—so if you’re in a shopping centre and you see some people around you acting in a frightened way and stocking up, that’s going to have a fear contagion effect that causes other people to start over-purchasing.” - Maclean's article

So everyone doing it is leading everyone to do it. And when we are stressed and scared our reasoning skills are weaker. We also shop to sooth, and during a time of uncertainty there is great desire to be in control. In fact, the large packaging and that when it comes to physical size for price it is good value makes people even more drawn to toilet paper purchasing as a way to regain a sense of control.

Fine, no harm done, do what you need to do to feel calmer and better about the current situation... unfortunately, right now, that isn't the case. Panic buying like this can turn into a selfish act as those in need or who are more vulnerable can't access things because others chose to horde them. I don't like the 'looking after number one' mentality when it reaches this point. It must be the socialist in me that thinks we need to work together as a community in this type of situation. Teamwork* will save us, toilet paper won't.

* Even if that teamwork means we collectively try to work more from home, stay indoors and limit attending large gatherings

A Good Resolution

So it is more than a week past New Years but I decided to make a resolution, in fact I am stealing one that I heard. Watching Stephen Colbert (The Late Show) this morning, as they post content online, and he had Larry David on who mentioned making this resolution a few years ago. I think it is brilliant.

Pee Before You Leave - Anywhere! Don't be ashamed to go to the bathroom. Just say, "I have to go to the bathroom before I go," you know. People aren't going to look down on you for doing that! No. go to the bathroom, then leave, you'll be so much happier than sitting in the car cursing yourself, going "Well, I don't know why I didn't go to the bathroom?" --- Larry David

I have gotten good about doing this at restaurants before leaving, mainly at Trivia Nights in Oakville because many times I have been on the highway driving home - mad at myself for not peeing at the bar before heading out. But this year I am going to try to extend it to when I am visiting people and here at home before leaving to go somewhere.

Oh, It Really Happens

Ok, this will be quick because it is late but I wanted to post about it right away. First, a bit of back story, I am a little late to the game, but I have recently discovered The Baroness von Sketch Show, which is hilarious (and Canadian.) Over the past few weeks I have watched pretty much all of their clips on YouTube, including this one about 'Land Acknowledgement:'

I thought it was very ridiculous and totally feel like the woman in the audience, "Oh, should we go?" Because I don't feel like this type of acknowledgement actually DOES anything. But at the same time, I hadn't ever seen one happen. ERin had mentioned that they are done ahead of government related meetings, events, and conferences. But for me that makes sense, she is often working on projects that have direct impact on aboriginal groups and making this type of speech hopefully starts conversations off in a positive direction - seeing that she is often involved in land claims/disputes.

Well, this evening at the Nutcracker, which Jason and I went to with ERin and Matt actually, they did a land acknowledgement ahead of the performance! It also mentioned the desire to make The National Ballet of Canada a more diverse company, which is a great goal. A quick flip through the program, which had photos of all the dancers, showed that they have a ways to go on this.

A longer version of the land acknowledge given verbally at the start of the performance was included in the program, it says:

The National Ballet of Canada acknowledges out creative home on the sacred and traditional territories of the Anishinabek, Mississaugas of the Credit First Nation, Haudenosaunee and Huron-Wendat. We acknowledge that Toronto is covered by Treaty 13 signed with the Mississaugas of the Credit and the Williams Treaty signed with multiple Mississausgas and Chippewa bands. We support the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada: Calls to Action and the United Nations Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples. 

The National Ballet recognizes the enduring presence of Indigenous peoples and that Toronto (Tkaronto) - which means "where there are trees standing in the water" - continues to be home to many Indigenous nations. Toronto has also been called "the Dish With One Spoon" which means all were and are invited and able to share, including the responsibility of ensuring the dish is never empty, taking care of the land and the creatures we share it with and that there are no knives at the table, representing that we must keep the peace.

The National Ballet is grateful to have the opportunity to work, dance and create on these lands and we thank the past, present and future caretakers of this land for their stewardship. We take this as a moment to reflect on our own activities and how the National Ballet can be part of a community of sharing as we take steps to ensure our practice, artists, staff, volunteers, Board members, patrons and audiences are open to engaging all people who live in these territories today and in the future. To this end, the National Ballet is now developing action places to support this direction.

I am interested to see what these action plans include, hopefully more than just words said or written. Also, how long have they been working on these plans? Not to pick on The National Ballet, but words can only go so far and I hope they don't spend too much time saying things and hurry up with these supposed 'action plans' that are mentioned.

That Shih Tzu Smile

What is he smiling at? Well, if you notice the pale fur in the foreground that is Clancy, his parent's Golden Doodle, but it is actually for the black floof which is Biscuit, their new little Shih Tzu puppy.

I don't know if I have ever mentioned on Always Standing that Jason has a "Shih Tzu Smile." You can see it in the photos from when we visited Jessie as a puppy. Almost any time Jason sees a Shih Tzu, even sometimes when he is talking about them, he gets the biggest/sweetest smile. This smile is only seen in this specific context, nothing makes him smile this way but Shih Tzus. They are his favourite, obviously, look at that smile.

I like bigger dogs, and consider Shih Tzus part of what Eddie Izzard calls, "small yappy type dogs." However, Jason insists that they look like little Ewoks, which for certain colours and markings kinda true. Look at her little nose:

Jason and Biscuit

October 2019

Photo by Me, on a phone

Dumbo

Lots of travelling! I keep saying that with the shop closed now, "All I have is time and debt." So I am trying to figure out if it makes sense to visit Mom in Palm Springs in November and I have two trips planned this month.

First I am heading to Buffalo for Thanksgiving weekend with Jason. Then a couple of weeks later, I am going to New York City with ERin. This was planned way back, before I decided to close the shop. Since she had already booked her trip, and it is from Sunday to Wednesday, I thought it would work well with my cafe schedule. We are staying in Dumbo, Brooklyn.

The neighbourhood name is an acronym:
Dumbo - Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass.

Lots of names in New York are funny short forms or acronyms:
SoHo - South of Houston
Tribeca - Triangle Below Canal

They make fun of this in the show How I Met Your Mother when two of the characters are looking to buy an apartment in Dowisetrepla which turns out to mean Downwind of the Sewage Treatment Plant.

It's Been A Long Time

I have been meaning to get back to posting on Always Standing for a while now. And I have known that I wanted my first post after this break to link to the Aaliyah (featuring Timbaland) song from 2000, Try Again. This is for the beginning section that says... It's been a long time, we shouldn't have left you (without a dope beat to step to, step to.) Well, maybe I shouldn't compare the writing on this blog to a 'dope beat' but the phrase 'it's been a long time' always brings to mind that song.

Also, it really has been a long time! My last post was at the end of May and I am now returning after four months. I looked through the archive and I have never even missed one month, let alone a streak. But I am back! Do I bother promising that I plan to post more or even try for everyday?

Motherhood - Epidural

Excerpts from New York Times article 'Get the Epidural' by Jessi Klein

No one ever asks a man if he’s having a “natural root canal.” No one ever asks if a man is having a “natural vasectomy.”

“What are you trying to win?” What was I trying to win? I thought about it and realized — nothing. There’s nothing to win.

“There is science showing all the risks of an epidural!” Well, again, I am not a doctor, but I do have the internet.

There are so many debates in this life in which there is some evidence of one thing and also some evidence of the other. At such a point, you just have to decide to believe in and do what is best for you. So here’s a radical idea: Why not do the thing that makes you happy?

There is so much pressure on women around birth and labor and mothering to do it this way or that way. It’s so easy to believe the notion that having a baby demands complete and total self-abnegation, and anything short of that is not enough.

If you’re worried that skipping the pain of childbirth means you’re somehow cheating your baby, or yourself, you’re not. Because the truth is, life offers more than enough pain that you will not be able to skip. 

Yup, give me the epidural! There has never been any question in my mind, if I am ever giving birth I will be getting the epidural and any other pain killers/drugs they can throw my way. I like modern medicine - I like making pain go away.

I have heard the positives from the other side, friends and acquaintances that wanted/tried/had a drug-less birth or some variation. For the most part their reasons made sense. Rarely are these people conspiracy-theory hippies, or self-flagellating mommy-martyrs, though sometimes. For the vast majority they made (or tired/planned to make) a personal choice based on what was important to them.

What is great from all my conversations on the topic is that this seems to be very much a personal choice and an understanding that there are reasons to make the decision either way. Some pregnancy or parenting subjects have strong reactions, judgement, and opinions about right/wrong, unlike what the article suggests, I don't get the feeling that the choice to get an epidural is one of those.

Those who have been through it: Please share in the comments if leading up to birth, during, or afterwards friends, family or event strangers were sharing strong hurtful opinions about your choice to have or decline an epidural?

I am inclined to say, and have said, to someone planning on forgoing an epidural, "Are you crazy? What about the pain? I would totally get all the drugs!" Which I hope isn't viewed as hurtful, it is the same response I would give someone who is suffering through a headache and not taking an Advil. It is an expression of awe at someone else' pain tolerance and not a judgement about the choice they are making for their body.

In my experience, the most common reason against getting an epidural has been the ability to walk afterwards instead of waiting until the drugs wear off, and with that a faster departure from the hospital. Personally I love hospitals so that reason doesn't apply to me. Also I just absolutely hate pain, I used to take Tylenao 3s (from my high-school wisdom teeth removal) to get my legs waxed. Hit me up with the drugs! But you do you.

More Rhymes For March

I am really into this whole March - In like a lion, out like a lamb thing! I keep going back to it. Have to say, it is a much better than my usual internet wormholes that normally end up with me reading long, detailed Wikipedia articles about serial killers.

Here are some other proverbs related to this month:

A dry March and a wet May? 
Fill barns and bays with corn and hay.

As it rains in March, so it rains in June.

So many mists in March you see
So many frosts in May will be.

A Peck of March-Dust, and a Shower in May
Makes the Corn green, and the Fields gay.

March many-Weathers rain’d and blow’d
But March grass never did good.

I can't really get that last one to rhyme. How are they pronouncing blow'd so that it matches good? Also, it isn't a word, the past tense is blew. Really that one is just terrible. Lastly, there is an expansion on the well known one, that includes March:

March winds and April showers? Bring forth May flowers.

One of my favourite jokes as a kid was, "If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims." Oh, so clever. (And distinctly American.)

Out Like A Lamb

I decided to follow up yesterday's post with a bit of research on the strange animal proverb used for the month of March:

"In like a lion, out like a lamb."

Turns out it has been around forever! The Paris Review claims that one of the earliest know use of the phrase is from 1732. Here are some theories of where it may come from:

Changing of Seasons
When March starts, it’s still winter, and by the end of the month spring has started. Though technically true, the Spring Equinox (for our hemisphere) is March 20 this year. However, it usually doesn't feel like spring until well into April.

The Balance of Life and Weather
The long held belief that things should balance. So, if a month started with bad weather, it should end with nice, calm weather.

Religious
Jesus's first appearance was as the sacrificial lamb, but he then returns as the Lion of Judah. Like in Narnia! I hadn't heard of the Lion of Judah before, but this theory puts the animals in the wrong order.

Horoscopes and Constellations
At the start of March, Leo, or the lion sign, is the rising star constellation and by April, it’s Aries. Aries is a ram, a male sheep. (And lambs are baby sheep!) This one is my favourite theory.

In Like A Lion

Today I am very tired (no sleep last night) and my muscles are achy (start of my period). I was complaining a bit about all of this to R at work and she said, "March is in like a lion." I have never heard the expression used for a person and how they are feeling (but I like it!) It is definitely a weather thing, "In like a lion, out like a lamb" or something like that.

This feels like a good post to include a gratuitous Africa photo:

The Man Lion

Kruger National Park, South Africa, January 2018

Photo by Jason, no edits

Money Thoughts - The Article

At what point would a person or family cross the threshold into 'rich' and then, what should they do about it? For the last couple of months I have been struggling with the idea of class and wealth, the ever expanding middle-class needs to stop expanding. You can't be 'upper-middle class' forever, people need to acknowledge their wealth and whether that wealth is necessary, or how much of it is.

This crisis of heart came from the perfect storm of promotions for Jason, more inheritance for myself, and the comfort that comes from owning a house in an ever increasing real estate market. These are all things that seem positive (until you consider the heartbreaking realities of death that bring inheritance, and the annoying fact that home ownership is expensive and challenging.) Also with these windfalls came the publication of an article in The New York Times, "What the Rich Won't Tell You" by Rachel Sherman.

This article is haunting me. It isn't long so I suggest clicking the link above and reading the whole thing, but here are some interesting quotes:

...how economic inequality is hidden, justified and maintained in American life. Keeping silent about social class, a norm that goes far beyond the affluent, can make Americans feel that class doesn’t, or shouldn’t, matter. 

... hide the privilege... wealthy people manage their discomfort with inequality, which in turn makes that inequality impossible to talk honestly about — or to change.

... must appear to be worthy of their privilege for that privilege to be seen as legitimate. Being worthy means working hard... also means spending money wisely. 

... never bragged about the price of something because it was high; instead, they enthusiastically recounted snagging bargains ... critiqued other wealthy people’s expenditures, especially ostentatious ones...

... not mentioning money... follow a seemingly neutral social norm that frowns on such talk... one of the ways in which privileged people can obscure both their advantages and their conflicts about these advantages.

... widespread judgments of the individual behaviors of wealthy people as morally meritorious or not... such judgments distract us from any possibility of thinking about redistribution. 

... talk not about the moral worth of individuals but about the moral worth of particular social arrangements. 

What are your thoughts? I will continue to explore these issues on Always Standing, as I have often discussed financial issues and ideas over the years.

Looking for something a bit lighter, or disturbingly amusing? Check out the article from Toronto Life about a couple who buys and renovates a mansion in Parkdale in an incredible display of extreme lack of self-awareness when it comes to wealth and privilege. Follow that up with the hilarious Crowd Funding response.

I Want To Be The Rock

I love this article about workplace sexual harassment:

The Rock Test:

A Hack for  Men Who Don't Want

To Be Accused of Sexual Harassment

by Anne Victoria Clark

"It’s as clear cut as this: Treat all women like you would treat Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson." And I think that is perfect and the examples she gives are hilarious. It reminds me of the Caitlin Moran quote, "I realised that what I really want to be, all told, is a human. Just a productive, honest, courteously treated human. One of 'The Guys'. But with really amazing hair.” 

Not A Good Quote

Yesterday I wrote about Mike's inspirational quote about building your dream. Well, last night at a workshop I heard this after the leader encouraged us to help pack up the chairs:

"Teamwork makes the dream work."

I hadn't heard it before, and while it is cute, I don't really like it. However, the content of the workshop was great! Kristen and I took it together, just a little 3-hour bit of instruction for two Tuesdays. Six hours and we got to build a multi-page website from scratch learning some HTML and CSS along the way. I will post more about what I built later this week but it was a good little course and I am quite glad I took it.

I Will Build It

Hanging out with Mike yesterday talking about our future career plans, he mentioned the quote, "If you don't work on your dreams you will just end up working on someone else's." I had heard it before and I really like it. The internet seems to suggest that it is from Farrah Gray and is worded this way:

"Build your own dreams, 

or someone else will hire you to build theirs."

Quote Of The Day

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

- Mark Twain

Quote Of The Day

"I love therapy! 

Paying someone to listen 

to me talk about my problems 

- it is like a hooker for your feelings."  

-- blackish (one of the best shows on TV right now)

Motherhood - What I Would Not Be Doing

Excerpts from Mother, Writer, Monster, Maid by Rufi Thorpe:

"I am proud of being a mother. I love my two children. I love them so much that it hurts to look at them and I am pretty sure they are the best, smartest, scrappiest, funniest boys in the world, and having them changed my life. My life before children was selfish and bland, all feelings and no grit, just a drifting miasma of mood. To go back to living like that seems like hell."

"I have tried to say it to my husband; I have tried to say, 'I hate my life.' I have tried to say, 'I need help.' I have tried to explain why I am finding being a mother so difficult, but in the face of his questions, my explanations collapse. It isn’t exactly that spending time with the children is so horrible. I mean, sometimes it is, sometimes we have a bad day, but most of the time it is relatively pleasant: we go to the store, we go to the park, everyone is well behaved, the three-year-old says something cute, the baby does something new. The problem is not in what I am doing. The problem is in what I am not doing, which is writing every day, but which is also leading a life of the mind."

"I recognize the leveraging power of ineptitude. My husband can’t cook well; I do the cooking. My husband accidentally shrinks a few sweaters; I do the laundry. My husband can’t lactate; the baby comes to New York. In his inability to do things, he is excused from labor. In my rush to excel, to shine, to be a good wife and mother, I have done nothing but ensure my labor will be lengthy and unpaid."

"The conflict is between the selfishness of the artist and the selflessness of a mother."

"I am profoundly unfree."

For me, the haunting quote is: The problem is in what I am not doing.

I never thought I would be the type of person to have FOMO but I fear that having children wouldn't mean just be missing out on an event or two it would be missing out on who I could be. Sacrificing not just part of life but choosing to walk away from whole lives I could be living, other things I could be doing,

We Are All Addicted

"He now realized, the principle of progress was always at work, in acquiring of houses, possessions, cars, the drive towards higher social status, more travel, a wider circle of friends, even the production of children felt like an obligatory calling point on the mad journey; and it was inevitable, he now saw, that once there were no more things to add or improve on, no more goals to achieve or stages to pass through, the journey would seem to have run its course, and he and his wife would be beset by a great feeling of stillness after a life of too much motion, such as sailors experience when they walk on dry land after too long at sea but which to both of them signified that they were no longer in love."

--- from Outline, by Rachel Cusk

Accomplished Before Engagement

I ran across the article Getting Married Is Not an Accomplishment at just the right time, wedding planning had been getting me down, I was struggling with a small depressive low, and I was not looking forward to the future. I needed perspective and it was great to read some words that seemed more based in my reality.

Being popped the question is still more celebrated than academic and professional pursuits of women. Yes, college graduations and landing a great career and receiving wonderful promotions are all received with happiness from friends and family, but not even close to the same level of elation received when you announce that you are getting hitched. This is my experience, at least. I am so grateful for the excitement surrounding my upcoming marriage, however, I often wonder why the event of getting married is put on a higher pedestal than the true successes that come along with an education and career.

Despite everything Jason and I are doing to try to take away the parts of a 'traditional' wedding that don't mesh with our personalities, relationship, or personal views. I still struggle with how gendered this event is - especially everyone's reaction to it. I completely notice the same things as the author, Natalie Brooke:

I can’t blame anyone for being more curious about my relationship status than my career, as I too have been guilty of doing the same with other woman. After all, we are all taught through expertly crafted commercials and advertisements that it is of utmost importance for a woman to get a ring put on her finger. Perhaps it’s time for society as a whole to re-evaluate what aspect of women’s lives we put the most value on. In my opinion, getting married should never be put in a higher regard than the academic and professional successes that women work hard to attain.

I have a slightly different reaction though, I DO blame people for being more interested in my relationship, wedding, etc than my career - I work for a really really interesting company!! Jason is constantly asked more about his job than I am. I will do another post on that since it is a longer rant.

You can read the full original article on Huffington Post HERE. Also check out Natalie Brooke's follow-up article: Getting Married Is Not an Accomplishment, But Finding Happiness (In Any Form) Is.

Also, on an end note, I am feeling much better now and wedding planning is exciting again.