Solid Cheese

Work is busy, as usual. The past two days, while administering our TTC program, I have been working on scheduling deliveries and organizing about 50 businesses who are participating in a promotion my office is preparing. All day today I have been muddling my days and messing up what day of the week it was. Luckily this didn't happened when dealing directly with a client but often I would find my self looking at various calenders and charts I was working on confused as to where we were in the week.

All day, I have been thinking that it was Thursday. -- It isn't, it is Wednesday.-- It doesn't even make any sense that my mind would skip ahead a day since I wasn't even at work on Monday. However, it felt like Thursday. Not even in a wishing it was later in the week so that it would be over sooner type of way - just genuinely my body/internal/natural clock seemed to make today Thursday.

I couldn't figure it out. Then I realised that I had made plans a couple of days ago with the guy I am dating to spend the night together, meet up after work and have dinner at The Ex - on Thursday night. Now, I was fully aware that this was happening tomorrow. However, I have been so excited about seeing him again that I am looking forward to it like it is a weekend, making it feel like it is happening on a Friday night. Hence making today feel like Thursday.

I think the phrase behind this sentiment, while quite cheesy, is also poetically beautiful while at the same time romantic in a way that is urban and modern and real.

You are my weekend.

As a side note, yes, I am seeing someone - who for the time being does not have a 'blog name' because his initial has been used in the past and I can't think of a good alternative. We met on eHarmony and even though we have stuck to weekdays, he is the first person  in a long while that I would consider worth having a date with on a weekend. I really do enjoy him, as, especially in the summer, weekends are golden times that I had yet to feel a guy was worthy of.

Instead I Will Sleep

I am/was running out of my various pills - I am between doctors at the moment and while I do have a new one set up we have yet to really meet and timing is off in terms of prescriptions. I have been 'rationing' my main anti-depressants for the last few days. Normally I would take 3 or 4 a night, but to make them last I was picking some nights to have only 2 (including last night when I finished the last 2 I had.) Luckily, I got a small prescription done and will be seeing at least a nurse practitioner, who can prescribe medicine, this week.

Anyway, I wonder if I it is lowering of my meds or a combination of other things but today has been a strange day. It has been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, nothing too extreme - I am not bi-polar despite a terrifying comment made by a doctor last year. Today wasn't really a bad day and there were lots of nice things and good emotions too. But I really feel like ranting and pushing out all of the negativity! I am not going to though, I think it makes more sense at the moment to just sleep.

Spoiled By J

I met J very very quickly on eHarmony. He was one of the matches that I messaged the first night I joined and he was the first person I met up with to meet face-to-face. To be ensure that the first date truly was special, I met up with someone else from the online dating site to see if all dates were like that since I was so new to it all. The second date was enjoyable but the chemistry was not there for me. This second guy wanted to meet up again and I had to apologize and say we weren't a good match. J and I then moved quite quickly into 'relationship status' and I stopped being an active participant on eHarmony - basically closing my profile.

J and I had a decent run - for the most part it was a fun three months and a great re-entry into the world of dating after a bit of a hiatus. However, I feel like it gave me a false sense of security and incorrect impressions of the online-dating world.

Thoughts From My First Use Of eHarmony And How The Second Run Is Different:

-- "This is going to be super fast and easy." J and I sent a couple of fun and witty emails, did a bit of arranging over text message to meet up and grabbed dinner as a last minute plan when we both figured out we have an evening free. Now, I am probably over a month into dating again and I have found getting to know guys and arranging dates with them can be tedious. Sometimes the text messaging stage lasts so long and gets so intense/flirty/frequent that it is practically like we are dating before we even meet. I also am busy so maybe that is making it harder to arrange times to meet - but I am always busy usually my social life fits around everything well.

-- "I am going to meet interesting people and do interesting things." This thought is manly based on the idea the dates are creative, fun, outings. Admittedly J and I just grabbed basic pub dinners the first few times we went out but soon after, because his interests and life were so different from mine, I got to do a lot of things I hadn't done before - like go to a hockey game in Toronto, Go Leafs Go! I think I have first-date burnout. I have gotten to visit some nice restaurants that I haven't been to before (and I got taken out in a really sweet car by a guy who sadly never called again) but in general these meetings are not super thrilling. 

-- "The blog is going to help me."  J had found Always Standing prior to us going on our first date - without prompting. This ended up disclosing the ADD, depression, what I look like, etc. upfront. I found it both flattering and revealing. Now, guys either refuse to look me up, even when given the details or they do and then they disappear, presumably turned-off my something that they found online.

-- "Everyone will want to meet and then date me." My first two dates both resulted in being asked out a second time. I proceeded to date one of them and had to politely decline the other. Even beyond that there were people still online who were interested in meet me. I am finding people this time around who are interested in meeting me - though it doesn't feel like a long or impressive list at the moment. However, once they meet me - they do not want to see me again! Some just completely sever conversation, which is so frustrating. Then others send a short message stating that they aren't interested in pursuing things further, which is a method that I prefer, however still can be heart-breaking at times.

It is definitly a good thing that the last thought listed above got challenged. It is not healthy/attractive to go around with that sort of attitude. However, I do wish things were going better. I will post later on about the various theories as to why I don't seem to be making good connections this time around.

Is He On eHarmony?

This morning I got the following email from Kristen:

To: Me
From: Kristen
Subject: I want you to date this guy

He is hot and has cool party tricks:




Agreed! I don't know if Kristen noticed that he was Ukrainian, which in my mind makes him hotter, but might pose a language barrier or issue in terms of long-distance. Also, yes, I am back on eHarmony again.

FOREVER!

So, I signed up for 3 months on eHarmony, which are drawing to a close. Unfortunatly (for extensive eHarmony use but fortunatly in general), I met J really early on so have had an inactive profile for most of that time. I want to be sure they don't charge my credit card for an extra 4th month so set about closing down my account. It was a hilarious and almost upsetting experience. Here is what one of the pages read:

You are about to close your eHarmony.com account. This will permanently close all of your existing matches, and disable the My Matches page.

If you are closing your account because you've met a special person to share your life, on eHarmony or elsewhere, congratulations. If you haven't yet made that connection, I'd like you to consider the following points:
-Research shows only 1 in 4 American marriages are actually happy.
-Choosing the right mate is the KEY to creating a compatible, loving relationship.
-Finding a soul mate on your own and knowing if you're really compatible has never been more confusing or difficult.
-eHarmony's proven method of selecting compatible matches has helped create thousands of happy, successful relationships.

There are two additional, important points you should know as you search for a special relationship:

First, if you haven't experienced the success you anticipated with eHarmony, there are probably adjustments that can be made to your account to help make your experience more productive. But in order to help, we need to know what's wrong. Please click on this link and share your problem with us, we can work with you to improve your results.

Lastly, we really care about your success. There are thousands of online dating services that will offer up hundreds of "matches" based on little more than your favorite hobby. Our goal is completely different. We're helping you find someone to live with and love FOREVER! We think it is important that people are matched for the right reasons and we want to see you benefit from our approach, as so many others have. eHarmony isn't magic. But every day we're working to address the needs of our members. Chances are we can make eHarmony work for you.

It did work! I don't know about live with and love FOREVER! As that is a scary thought in general, even more so with the capitals. However, J is great and I'm really happy to have met him.

Thank you eHarmony, sorry we had to have such an aggressive farewell...

New Year's Resolutions

-Continue to back away from the starches
-Make the switch from boys to men
-Just keep on travelling

The Holidays

I'm heading into The Land Of Slow Internet Connections this afternoon. Mom and Dad are coming to pick Binx and I up and I'm going to spend the week with them. A couple of days this week I will go into Brantford with Mom and go shopping while she's at work. I also need to do a whole bunch of baking, which I'm really excited about. I am in charge of desserts at the big Christmas this year. We are going up to Collingwood for three or four days with the whole huge family, renting a chalet, and doing Christmas; I hope to get out snowboarding at least once. I got desserts because I am pretty much the only single person left in my family, save the younger cousins. Mike and his girlfriend have a breakfast to do. Though I'm glad I don't have a meal, since cookies, cakes and the traditional Chocolate Log are way more fun. I have no idea how the posting on Always Standing is going to go, but I will try. Stay tuned, and Happy Holidays to everyone!!

Last Night's Lies

- Eyes - contacts instead of glasses
- Face - make-up when I normally wear none
- Chest - bra that moves me up 2 cup sizes
- Height - 3" heels
- Hair - straightened when naturally curly

If I ever do end up meeting someone at a bar when I'm out drinking and/or dancing with my friends, they really aren't meeting me after all. I think I would feel badly that in the end they would not get what they originally thought/saw.

LIVE UPDATE - # 17

Quotes Of The Day

Russian Guide (Very happy and excited girl): Yes, I know that it is cloudy now but the weather may change. Weather is very feminine in Russia.
-
Russian Waiter (Young and very cute): So you two together on a bill, yes. You seperate, yes. (Now looking at me.) And of course you are seperate.
-

Oh, He Is Back

We saw it before and it was wonderful, now here is the follow up...

Good Job Old Spice

I need to find me one of these...

Woo Girls

A Woo Girl is a type of young woman, who like the cuckoo bird or the Whip-Poor-Will, gets her name from the signature sound she makes. A woo can be elicited from a certain song coming on the jukebox ("Sweet Home Alabama" plays); to half-priced shots; from a ride on a mechanical bull; to, well, pretty much anything.
--
Barney: The world absolutely needs Woo Girls. If there were no Woo Girls, there would be no Girls Gone Wild, no bachelorette parties, no Las Vegas poolside bars. All the things that you hold dearest, Lily, would be gone.
Lily: Those are none the things...
Barney: The souvenir shot glass industry would collapse. So would the body glitter industry... and the stretch Hummer rental industry. Tiny cowboy hats would be worn only be worn by tiny cowboys. And when "Brown Eyed Girl" would come up on the jukebox, all you would hear would be silence... and "Brown Eyed Girl"... But who would woo? Lily? Who would woo? Would you? Would you... woo?
--
From How I Met Your Mother, Episode: Woooo!
Written by Carter Bays & Craig Thomas

Or So I Thought

Breathing stops, at the mention of a name

I look away

I thought it all had left, as quickly as it came

-

I had thought our eyes were meeting

I still dream

Moments that seemed so very fleeting

-

Needing a challenge, I aimed so high

I felt hope

But looked as though, I was going to cry

-

Awkward and small, I stared at the ground

I don't regret

It took quite a while, but courage I found

-

Said it was alright, when nothing happened

I was lying

A reference is made and my heart quickened

-

Broke so long ago but the pain is still there

It is time

Wishing for something to come and repair

-

I thought I was over him

I thought I was over you

I thought it was good

I thought it was gone

-

But my breathing stops

At the mention of a name

--Christine Sweeton

Speaks To My Soul

I hate how much this article represents my life. Everything except the relationship part, but that is only because I'm single, I'm sure most of my friends who are dating can relate. These are the parts that I liked the best:

Welcome To Your Quarterlife Crisis

-

"...he doesn’t really hate his job, but feels as if his skin is crawling with vermin most of the time that he’s there, so he has a plan to move to Thailand, or to maybe write a book. Or go to law school..."
-
"...at her government job, she instant messages her friends and mostly ignores the report she’s drafting because she’s planning on quitting anyway ... She spends her lunch hour buying boots that cost slightly more than her rent..."
-
"...she walks to the house that she shares with three friends and spends a few more hours on celebrity gossip websites, then clicking through the Facebook photos of girls she knew in high school posing with their husbands and babies, simultaneously judging them and feeling a deep pit of jealousy, and a strange kind of loss..."
-
"...unrelenting indecision, isolation, confusion and anxiety about working, relationships and direction ... urban, middle class and well-educated ... can’t make any decisions, because they don’t know what they want, and they don’t know what they want because they don’t know who they are, and they don’t know who they are because they’re allowed to be anyone they want..."
-
"...parents with more money and autonomy than their predecessors has resulted in benignly self-indulgent children who were sold on their own uniqueness, place in the world and right to fulfillment in a way no previous generation has felt entitled to, and an increasingly entrepreneurial, self-driven creation myth based on personal branding, social networking and untethered lifestyle spending is now responsible for our identities..."
-
"...works at a non-profit, wants to travel and get a master’s degree, but feels conflicted about doing either. 'I want to have kids, and every day that goes by, I have this number in my head. It’s 32. It used to be 30. That’s only a few years from now. I’m thinking, if I don’t do some of this stuff now, before I have kids, am I going to be able to do it?' Women are roundly considered to be in biologically ideal form for baby-making in their twenties and early thirties, which are also prime fun-having and career-building years. For women who want all of the things promised by (theoretically) equal education, work and sex lives, the conflict of desires can be catastrophic..."
-
"...inundated with constant but mostly empty communication, as the increasingly primary social sphere exists online instead of real life. Nothing could be more alienating to someone in the midst of a crisis than a tool like Facebook ... half-forgotten acquaintances and abandoned friendships reappear in this spreadsheet of potential reasons to feel terrible about yourself ... gauging your own feelings of inadequacy in direct relation to other people’s success. All these people you couldn’t give a shit about a couple of years ago are now these omnipresent benchmarks and counterpoints to measure against whatever you have or haven’t got going on in your life...”
-
"...attempts to manage the Quarterlife Crisis might be as banal as drinking a lot, doing a bunch of drugs, sleeping with idiots and myriad other kinds of self-flagellation, but broader attempts are made to find some sense of purpose. An obvious choice for panicking twentysomethings with a post-undergraduate sense of displacement and for the ones that aren’t fulfilled by their jobs is grad school..."

The Bar Scene

This is how I feel about The Bar Scene when used as a Dating Scene. A quote from Superbad... "You don't wanna meet a chick at a bar, man. You gotta go spin class, a farmer's market, a pumpkin patch.....given the season."

Feeding Off The Drama

I have been looking for this quote from the movie He's Just Not That Into You since I saw it last month. It finally showed up online. As I'm frantically writing an essay at the last minute (it is noon and I need to hand it in for 2:30pm) I thought that it was pretty appropriate.
Alex: Guys invented the spark so they could not call, and treat you kinda bad, and keep you guessing...and they convince you that, that anxiety and that fear that just develops naturally is actually just a spark. And you guys all buy it; you eat it up, and you love it. You love it because you feed off that, that drama. You all love that drama.
Gigi: I don't.
Alex: Oh, really? So you...you never waited until the last minute on a deadline or a phone bill because secretly you kinda love the drama of not knowing whether you're going to make it?
We all love the drama and frankly I work better when I'm booking it to make a deadline. While actually lately I only work when I'm rushing to make a deadline.

Are You Ready?

1) Are you really ready for 125 questions
Yup, but who ever is reading this probably isn't
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?
Yes
3) Do you believe in God?
Everyday but I rarely pray
4) Who did you last say "I love you" to?
Jerrica
35) Do you regret it?
Of course not
6) Have you ever been depressed?
Since OAC, and there have been some very bad moments
7) Have a best friend?
I do
8) Are you a boy or girl?
Gender is a construct (Girl)
9) What is your relationship status?
Sadly single
10) How do you want to die?
In my sleep
11) What did you last eat?
Pizza last night
12) Play any sports?
Not really anymore
13) Do you bite your nails ?
NO (suck my thumb though)
14) When was your last physical fight?
Can't remember, pre-high school though
15) Do you have an attitude?
I can
16) Do you like someone?
Yes and I know his name now
17) Whats your real name?
Christine Laura Sweeton
19) Are you gonna get high later?
I have the stuff but not the time
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
No one comes to mind
21) Do you miss someone?
My parents, My brother, Teri
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl it
23) Do you tan a lot?
I try to in the summer
24) Have any pets?
Oh yes, a lot of pets
25) How exactly are you feeling?
Tired
26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
Yes but never when I was driving
27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
Yes, but not a public bathroom
28) Would you take any of your exes back?
Probably not
29) Are you scared of spiders?
Not really
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Yes, but only 100's of years back
31) Do you regret anything from your past?
Only one thing, from Grade 8 and it is tiny and insignificant
32) What are your plans for this weekend?
Weekend is almost over, photo shoot this afternoon, Oscars tonight
33) Do you want to have kids?
No, but I'm hoping that changes
34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?
Yes
35) Do you type fast?
Very, but with bad accuracy ratings
36) Do you have piercings? How many?
Ears and belly button
37) Want any more?
No, I can't think of another place I would want one
38) Can you spell well?
As well as someone in Grade 5, so no
39) Do you miss anyone from your past?
Sometimes
40) What are you craving right now?
Steak and potatoes
41) Ever been to a bonfire party?
Yes, I have a cottage and I'm from Paris
43) Have you ever been on a horse?
A number of times
44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?
I don't think so
45) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I hope so, but I'm not sure
46) Have you ever been cheated on?
Not that I know of
47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?
Yes, all of them
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
Sure
50) What should you be doing?
Writing an essay, watching lectures, typing notes, getting out of bed
51) What's irritating you right now?
My slightly upset stomach
52) Have you ever liked someone?
I like everyone
53) Does somebody love you?
My family and many of my friends
54) What is your favorite color?
Black and Red
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yes, but not while driving
57) Do you have trust issues?
No, I let people in
59) Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?
Bathroom sink but not kitchen
60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Definitely and pretty much always have
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
He had better
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
My mom on the phone after throwing up from the flu
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
I don't really believe in second chances
66) Was 2008 the best year of your life?
It was a good year
67) What was your childhood nickname?
Chris
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
A lot, there are photos
69) Do you think you're a good person?
For the most part
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
No, a lot is unexplainable and horrible
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Watched Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice on my laptop in bed
73) What is bothering you?
School
74) Have you ever been out of Canada?
I try to at least once a year
75) Do you play the Wii?
I have but I don't own one
76) Are you listening to music right now?
Haha, no, I never listen to music
77) Do you like Chinese food?
Love it
78) Do you know your fathers birthday?
First day of summer, always forget the date
79) Are you afraid of the dark?
Yes, especially if I'm alone
81) Are you mean?
Occasionally
82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
For a little while
83) Have you noticed this survey stopped getting personal?
I hadn't
84) Do you believe in true love?
Yes and love at first sight but people are often wrong
85) Are you proud of the person you've become?
Not yet
86) Do you like the outside?
To a certain extent
89) Are you currently bored?
No, I love these things
90) Do you wanna get married?
If the mood strikes me maybe
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
No, but babe is ok and I love bird
92) Are you hungry?
Yes, starving
93) Do you have a bank account?
A couple of them
94) What makes you happy?
Happy?
95) Would you change your name?
Last name perhaps in marriage
96) Ever been to Alaska?
No but want to
98) Do you watch the news?
I read cbc.ca news
99) What' s your zodiac sign?
Gemini and I truly am
100) Do you like Subway?
Hell yes, have worked at two of them
101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?
Ummm, let us not think about it
102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Depends on so many things
103) Do you talk like your friends?
Yes and they talk like me, sad
105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?
Probably but I can't think of an instance right now
106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self?
I am always my complete self
107) Who is the last guy you talked to?
Justain and Dave
108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
A total deal breaker
109) Do you go to church?
No, I can't even remember the last time
110) What's going on between you and your best friend?
Something is going on? No one told me
111) Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Teri on the phone yesterday
113) Do you enjoy piercings & tattoos?
I'm indifferent for the most part
114) What do you wear more: jeans, sweats, pants, or shorts?
Shorts are rare and it is an even spread between the rest
115) You're a Sharpie marker, what color are you?
Black and thin tip, the best kind
116) Where do you go if you are butt naked and locked out of your house?
Wait by the door for one of the roommates
117) Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
Either or but I prefer to bath
118) Have you ever said you'd never love again?
No but I have said I'd never drink again though it was a lie
119) Do you want to please everyone?
I want everyone to like me, I hate being hated
120) Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
I haven't heard any songs today
121) Has someone ever made you a promise & broken it?
Only small ones
122) Are you alone?
In every way
123) Do you have any older siblings?
I am the older sibling
124) Did you speak to your father today?
He is in France but he e-mailed yesterday
125) How many months until your birthday?
A few
--OH YEAH 125 BABY! Read them all?

What Does That Comma Mean?

It is strange that with so many different types of communication technologies we still have issues understanding each other. When writing on someone’s wall on Facebook or sending a text, communication is broken down to short, and often cryptic, messages. In the days of the telegraph it was the same thing, short and cryptic messages. With cell phones and the ability to actually talk to someone anywhere in the world it is sad that communication is not clearer. In the book I'm reading for my third year British Literature course, The Portrait of a Lady, there is a passage about understanding a telegraph from a female character. The men discuss the different meanings the messages may have. At one point they actually go over the options as to what “quite independent” means as, it could be financially or morally independent and it is hard to figure out who the phrase is referring to. Telegraphs were paid for by the word so in an effort to make them affordable they were always shortened and strange. However, one male character claims that the sender is purposely confusing and that it is not just a symptom of the expensive or faulted technology. Today our tools for communication are far more advanced but these annoying debates rage on. I cannot even count the number of times that I have sat with friends pouring over some two sentence text or online message trying to decipher the meaning. We are able to create infinite options and rationalize all kinds of meaning. There have been times when the very punctuation is called into question. “Now here he used an explanation mark but over here there is just a period and he put a period there but that actually appears to be a question, not a statement.” While grammar rules exist the question of how well the sender knows or follows them is also usually pondered. Over one hundred years ago Henry James, author of The Portrait of a Lady, wrote about something that I would like to pass off as a dated phenomenon connected to a technology no longer widely used. But, I look at the conversation described and realise that this lack of clarity has nothing to do with the medium through which the message is sent but human nature itself. I don't know if I believe that the character is purposefully sending unclear telegraphs. I'd like to think that then, and still today, most people try to communicate with good and pure intentions. We don't want to confuse or send others into hours of analyses. I think that that James is commenting more on the human need to over think and obsess over communication received. We need to all be clearer in our messages and more importantly receive them at face value without worrying over the multitude of options in meaning.

Cheesy But True

Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
Who calls you back when you hang up on him.
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.
--Found on Facebook

It Could Be Worse

You could have wasted tens of thousands dollars on the wrong program.
You could feel like a failure.
You could have spent the last five years paying rent.
You could own nothing, no house, no car.
You could have little to nothing to show for your life thus far.
You could be living in a city that your tired of.
You could have whittled away money on travel.
You could be planning to use your inheritance paying back OSAP.
You could have no plans for the future.
You could still be searching for the right dream.
You could have ruined your chance at some of them.
You could be out of shape and overweight.
You could have to take pills every morning to function in society.
You could be alone.

It could be worse.
You have shown me how it could.
It could be much worse.

I have found things I'm good at.
I have my whole life ahead of me.
I have an adorable apartment and an affectionate cat.
I have a passion for learning, from school, from others, from experience.
I have the best family who gave me an amazing life thus far.
I have the greatest friends who love and support me.
I have plans to visit new and exciting places.
I have some inheritance left.
I have time to try new things and learn about myself.
I have never been without.
I have worked hard to overcome obstacles I encounter.
I have learned to run, dance, snowboard, and play piano.
I have medicine that stops illness from holding me back.
I have total and utter freedom to live life to its fullest.