17 Day Covid Plan

Trying to stay motivated and productive during this strange time of quarantine and self-isolation. I have made a check-list for the next 17 days (just because that was the number of lines in my notebook set up). Here is what I am hoping to accomplish:

Everyday - Do a small task related to
-- Becoming a PMP
-- Getting a job
-- Closing down the cafe
-- Keeping the house clean
-- Hosting weekly virtual trivia

Everyday - I am trying to
-- Go for a walk with Jason
-- Do a blog post, might be backdated
-- Brush the cat

Every morning, before noon, I want to
-- Be downstairs before 9am
-- Drink a glass of warm lemon water
-- Have breakfast
-- Wash my face and brush my teeth
-- Feed the cat, using new/clean bowls
-- Take my vitamins
-- Call someone for a quick chat
-- Do some fitness thing that raises my heart rate for 20mins

Every night, I want to
-- Stop looking at screens (phone, tablet, computer) after 11pm
-- Do a quick clean of the kitchen
-- Clean out the cat's litter box
-- Wash my face, floss and brush my teeth
-- Fill the humidifier
-- Relax (yoga, meditation, sex)
-- Be in bed before 11:30pm

Trying to go easy on myself and not be too upset if I don't achieve everything everyday. Some things are easier to do than others. The list is a bit like the one I tried back in November when I was starting to get depressed after shutting down the cafe and starting to look for a new job. Today is the first day and the checklist is mapped out until May 3rd, at which point I will see what is working, make some adjustments, and create a new one.

A Watery Weekend

Had a great time at Great Wolf Lodge with Jason's family this past weekend. I love playing in waterparks! Totally exhausted today and jealous that Jason gets to work from home. The damp heat of an indoor waterpark along with hiking up tons of staircases to do the waterslides, add in running after and carrying children -- I am pretty worn out.

I also did The Wolf Tail slide, which is the same design as one of the slides at West Edmonton Mall. Jason and I went to the waterpark there with ERin and Matt last Christmas.

The Reckoning - Using The Anger

Jason was very supportive in Ottawa while I was having my fitness-related emotional breakdown. I explained how I was feeling and what was happening to me as best I could. He was understanding about my desire to leave and return to Toronto, identifying it as a desire for safety and comfort - something I hadn't even figured out at the time. Before he agreed to cut the trip short, and pop in on a few of my friends in my place, to do the various item pick-ups and drop offs that were required - he posed an important question: "What are you going to do with this anger?"

I can complain about the way I look, or being out of shape, or whatever, but this was a level of distress that couldn't be ignored. He didn't want me to run away from Ottawa and ignore what happened. I also, never, ever want to feel that way again. So I vowed to use the anger, to remember it and start moving towards a higher fitness level and better relationship with my body.

The following day, Monday February 12, I started making a point of 'moving' for at least 20 minutes every day - walking on the treadmill at the gym or doing a YouTube fitness video. I also do some type of cool down each evening, either a mindfulness/meditation activity or a short bedtime yoga routine.

So far I have only missed a couple of days and even though this is a small, slow start I hope to increase and expand it. I would like to return to my previous carefree, happy relationship with my body where I don't really ever think about it.

The Reckoning - Fitness

I went to Ottawa a couple of weeks ago and in the middle of my visit had a pretty sizable emotional breakdown. It wasn't depression based, instead it was about my body. I try to be open about my struggles with mental illness, but I am less open about my relationship with my body - its appearance, fitness level, weight, etc. Part of my reason for this is that I just don't think about it very much and the other part is that I have a different relationship than is usually depicted, or that I see from friends and family.

I am fine with how my body is/looks as long as...
- I am still fun, aka I am not holding others back from having a good time

I am often the slowest person on a hike or the last to finish a run. But I can still participate, I join in and enjoy various activities with my friends and family. This is very important to me and every time that Jason and I don't make it to the top of a mountain because we run out of time - my heart breaks and I hate myself and my body. This might seem like a very specific item but it has happened a number of times and it always makes me feel pretty awful about myself.

In Ottawa I felt the same way but at a magnitude never experienced before. Jason and I went to go skating on the canal and after doing up my skates I was unable to actually skate. I am not a good skater but I have never had issues doing it before. Even holding my body in position to skate was painful and the actual motion was exhausting - I was panting and sweating.

It was humiliating. I was devastated. After returning to the bench and taking off my skates, we went right to the car - I couldn't stop crying. To have my fitness level that low made me so angry at myself. I have never experienced these types of feelings about myself and body in this way. Instead of staying for the rest of the weekend in Ottawa, I decided to go home early. It was truly a shattering experience.

I couldn't imagine continuing to stay in Ottawa that weekend while feeling that awful - and I didn't feel comfortable disclosing to all the people I planned to visit that I was so upset because I felt like a useless disgusting fat worthless pile of crap. It isn't nice to hang out with people when upset, but I have done it during depressive episodes before. This was different and I am less comfortable with the realities of the situation. My friends were understanding and, while I still don't like talking about this, I decided to start writing about it to explain a bit to those who were there. This also allows me to share a bit of what is going on with me right now with others.

Too Much Content

It is hard to post now that I am doing social media again at work. I have only recently taken it on. At the BIA we had hired a few people to do it in the lead up to our big event. Then we let the channels lay dormant for a while before it was requested that we pick it back up again. I decided I would do it (helps me stay on top of what is going on in the neighbourhood, but it does take a considerable about of time.)

So because I am creating content for The Junction all the time for multiple channels, I struggle with content and writing for Always Standing. The medium is different (also possibly the message?) since there isn't a blog at work. However, I personally have accounts at multiple channels and am now managing all the ones at work. I personally have Facebook and Twitter, though I rarely look at or post on Twitter. Then Two has her Instagram (link on the left) which I help out with. Then there are all the work ones, which I take care to post on regularly.

Follow us at The Junction, especially if you live in the GTHA:
- Instagram @TorontoJunction
- Facebook @TorontoJunction
- Twitter @TorontoJunction

I would like to make my usual promise to try to get back into the blog and post more regularly. However, if I am going to focus on bringing back habits that got lost over the summer (during my latest depressive episode) - I want to get back in shape. It is important for me to try to regularly work out. Back to the gym! (Then back to the blog!)

Ok, So It Is Here, Again

I am depressed.

It isn't that hard to talk about it because I have trained myself over the years to be as open and honest about this as possible. However easy it might be to admit it is happening, it isn't easy to go through - it is scary.

I haven't felt this way in six years, my last big crash was a long one from the end of 2010 all through 2011 and possibly into the start of 2012 as well. I met Jason in the middle of 2012 so, while he knows that I have clinical depression, he hasn't actually ever seen it happen.

Starting around mid-July with a combo hit of Saturday drinking and a Sunday/Monday without one of my pills I started the slow annoying spiral. Luckily it was the 'body' pills so my thoughts didn't get messed up. However, it has now been at least two full weeks of feeling really down and I have been fighting hard to not let it affect my work or social life.

I fixed the missing pill issue right away, quickly improved my diet, luckily had my mom around for a week to give me some guidance, am careful with my nighttime sleep habits, etc. I get into work everyday and I haven't bailed on social engagements. My thoughts are okay, nothing horrible happening and when they do get negative I am able to challenge and defuse them. However, I am crying a lot, spending way to much time in bed during the day time, not enjoying things like I usually do, and generally feel like shit all the time.

Working out is the main thing on my list right now where I am lacking. Getting some cardio exercise into my daily routine would probably help, but when I feel like this it isn't an easy thing to do. I also should think about seeing someone about it - a doctor, councilor, or psychiatrist. I don't want to mess with my pills again though and it is a struggle to find someone good to talk to, it is also expensive.

But I am fighting this, got to keep fighting it.

Photos For My Favourite Day - Monday In The Azores

I didn't know how excited I was to swim in the ocean or how much I have started to enjoy hiking on holidays but today was so much fun, I think it has been my favourite so far. Let me detail our activities using photos (unless otherwise stated, all pictures were taken by Jason.)

We drove to the south-west coast 

to go swimming in the ocean at Ponta da Ferraria.

The cliffs are steep, would our little car make it?

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Of course it would!

The switch-backs helped of course.

That truck is not ours, we rented a little car.

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The jagged lava rocks make for an eerie looking coastline.

But this is the best place to swim in the ocean 

when the weather is a bit cool out.

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Because these natural pools are fed by a hot spring.

At low tide the ocean is 28 C in this spot.

----

These pools have been used since the fifteenth century.

History was onto something, we enjoyed a nice swim.

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Then we went for a hike at nearby Sete Cidades.

We set off to get to the lookout point for the 'twin lakes'

wanting to see the iconic crater formation.

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The walk started off taking us pass an aqueduct.

(Which I could find no information about,

obviously it killed me to have no facts on this!)

----

About half way through we noticed

fog had started to roll in.

----

Was it going to be worth the climb

if we couldn't see anything? 

----

Because it really was a climb!

It was another hike with a big elevation gain,

almost 200m again, in a short period of time.

----

But we stuck it out, worked up a sweat,

and reached the top. (Hydrate!)

It was an enjoyable walk, no one else was around.

----

But at the top instead of seeing this:

Photo from a travel site.
Iconic image of the Azores,
seen a million times while researching the trip.

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We had this view:

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Still, it was a wonderful day!

Please Sponsor Jason!!

Last month, Jason's family received some devastating news. One of his nephews, Isaac (see photo), has been diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. Since it is so early there are still many unknowns, but what is for sure is that finding a cure for this degenerative muscle disorder is a cause worthy of support.

This coming Saturday, Jason, and his sister Meg, will be participating in Max's Big Climb to raise money towards Jesse's Journey which funds research.

For the past week Jason has been insisting that I have no concept of how hard it is going to be to bike up a 8% grade on a hill - "Don't you just shift to a lower gear, I will be fine". Jason thinks that he may not finish the climb because it is just that challenging. After watching the video of someone doing it, I agreed and won't be biking at the event this year. But I want to help Jason raise more money through his efforts to make it to the top of Sydemham Hill.

Please support Jason and help 'defeat Duchenne.' Sponsor his climb HERE.

Self-Care

I really need to practice better self-care. I keep saying it, self-care, self-care, self-care. But I haven't been following through. For me taking care of myself means ensuring the following things:
- Getting enough sleep (regularly having 9 hours a night)
- Eating well (no complex carbs like bread, pasta, or potatoes)
- Exercising three times a week (aka going to Cykl)

It is especially important to get back to spinning which I have almost stopped going to entirely. I would like to blame the fact that I have been so sick but really it has been a combination of that, working on house stuff, and just being lazy. I miss Tessa a lot, since it is the main way we get together. I also miss being able to climb a flight of stairs without losing my breath. I am going tonight!

Bad Habit, Good Habit

For almost over a week now I have been dealing with a cold. Between work, preparing/painting Casa Verde before moving in, and packing up Rrunuv Bayit - I am scared of burning out. I am being careful to get enough sleep every night and take cold medicine to keep myself functioning, however I feel pretty foggy from it all.

I have also gotten into a bad habit of getting a little bag of potato chips (Miss Vickie's Original) and a chocolate bar (Crunch) from the vending machine almost every weekday afternoon. I usually buy them on my way out the door to have on the bus during my evening commute. Or, if I am staying later than usual then I have it at my desk in the late afternoon. So unhealthy! But, I get so much comfort from it. Also, when I can't breath and everything tastes disgusting because of all the grossness from the cold, it is nice to actual enjoy eating something.

At least I am back to keeping up with my good habit of spinning, specifically going to the Top 40's class and staying overnight at Tessa's after. I missed last week because it was the worst day of my cold (the sore throat part was impervious to medication and hurt terribly.) It is going to be slow going having really cut back from spinning while I get ready to move but I need to keep it up and start attending more often again.

Peru Pic - Maybe Teri's Favourite

When we were hanging out last night, Teri stated that this photo from my SLR was her favourite, but then changed her mind a few more times as we were going through my trip pictures.

Sayaqmarka 

Archaeological site on the Inca Trail

Cusco Region, Peru - January 4, 2016

Photo by Me

I am choosing to post it, instead of the others she mentioned, because it symbolizes a rare 'once in a lifetime' moment for me. I am having a hard time thinking of another time that I ever thought to myself, "This is it. I am never going to see/do this again."

The 'again sometime' attitude for travel means that I never feel rushed or pressured to see everything because I plan to be back in the future. Even when I was on the Trans-Siberian Express, I was thinking to myself that I would do that train ride again. I still hope that I get to go and see everything in reverse, in the winter.

However, I am not going to do the Inca Trail again. I want to return to Peru, I want to see Machu Picchu again when I am not tired, and I would even enjoy doing more trekking. But this specific 4-day hike was really a one time thing. (An amazing, incredible, absolutely thrilling one time thing that I am so happy to have experienced.)

So, we saw this site on the third day of the trek, which was the best day. The photo is taken after climbing over Runkuracay Pass, the second, and last, major mountain on the hike. We had slept the night before at 3,350m elevation, only to wake up and climb to 3,975m to get over the final huge mountain pass. The ruins are around 300m in elevation below me, and about 2km hiking away.

The thing is, to visit them, you need to walk up 100 steps through its only entrance to explore and then walk back down the same way. So, at the point in time when I am taking this photo I was seriously considering not bothering making the climb to see it and just stay resting on the trail below.

However, I didn't want to miss out, so by the time I hiked there, I had made the decision that I would climb up. In fact I counted 98 steps up and 97 steps down so it really depends on what rocks you consider steps to get a count of 100. You can see the stairs against the cliff below the left side of the ruins in the picture. The hike was once in a lifetime, I tried to experience it all to the fullest.

Peru Pic - Everyone's Favourite

So far, whenever I had clicked through my series of photos from Peru - showing people images from my recent trip - everyone has commented on this picture. There have even been gasps and people saying, "Wow." However, like photos from other trips, or photos of me, I don't necessarily agree that it is spectacular or even the best of the lot.

Inca Site From Above

Classic Inca Trail, Peru - January 2016

Photo by Christine Sweeton

Also, you get this awesome angle on things when you are hiking at such high elevations. This isn't even an Inca ruin that we visited, just saw it down in the valley from our position high up in the mountains. I am using a pretty serious zoom here.

Recovery Weekend

I have learnt that it is too difficult to come home from a vacation the night before returning to work (or worse the morning of, which I have also done.) So, Jason and my flight landed in Toronto at 6:00am today and I have 2 full days to recover from my trip before heading into work on Monday morning.

Here are my plans:
- Nap to catch up from 3 nights of bad sleep (bus, plane, plane)
- Laundry, so much laundry
- Load the photos from my SLR, can't wait to see them
- Review the 300 odd emails that have accumulated in my personal account
- Go to a spin class to get back into regular exercise
- Pick up Two from Teri's
- Unpack not only from the trip but also Christmas stuff
- Update Always Standing with more details/photos from Peru!

Photo: The Inca Trail winding through subtropical jungle in the Andes' highlands of Peru. Photo by ME from my phone.

Hiking Companions Part 3

Our Friends And Guide, on the Inca Trail

(From Left) Danny, Casey, Ryan, Fiona, and our guide, David

Photo by Me

Trekking Lessons In Peru

Jason, Mom, and I are back from our Inca Trail trek over mountains to Machu Picchu and similar to my post about the lessons I learned the first few days in Peru, I thought I would share some hiking insight in case anyone else is considering an adventure in The Andes. (Highly recommended!!) Here are some things I noticed during my time on the trail:

- Take bug spray and use it. The bugs were not bothering me, but I found out afterwards that I had been bitten a lot - see photo on the right (I have about 10 band-aids on right now.) The bites didn't hurt and I seriously never noticed them happening, but they bled and are super itchy now.

- Walk slowly, rest, and be patient. It is a really really hard hike; there are some long days and some very difficult days. I was frequently getting into camp an hour or so before 'tea time' and a few hours before dinner. I could have been a little kinder to my body and eased up a bit.

- Use hiking poles. These were a life saver! I couldn't have handled the over 6,000 stone steps without them.

- Bring a headlamp. Going to the bathroom in the dark isn't particularly fun or easy, using a headlamp doesn't really make it more fun or even easier, but at least you can see. Also, the final morning has a wake up time of 3:30am and a short hike in the dark to a control centre - see photo of a sleepy Jason on the left.

Lastly, if in any way you can save energy for the final day when arriving at Machu Picchu try to do so. We were so exhausted that we only spent about three and a half hours exploring before taking the bus down the mountain and chilling out at a restaurant, waiting for the train back to a hotel with warm showers and comfortable beds. The site is absolutely amazing and definitely the type of place Mom and I would have easily spent 8 or more hours at, but we were sore and tired. I will have to visit it again in the future!

Hiking Companions Part 2

Jason, resting during our Cusco Practice Hike

Cusco, Peru - December 31, 2015

Photo by Me

Hiking Companions Part 1

Mom, on our Cusco Practice Hike

Cusco, Peru - December 31, 2015

Photo by Me 

(Yes, there is a llama over by the fence.)

Xmas List 2015

It is December so time for Christmas lists!

Joint (Jason and I)
- Gift Cards: Canadian Tire, Cykl
- King Size Cotton Sheets
- Phone chargers (Android)
- Small water-resistant point-shoot camera
- American Money, Peruvian Nuevo Sol
- DIY, Basic Home Repair/maintenance books (Used but current)
- Empty spray bottles (various sizes)
- Dish Soap (clear/without colour)

Jason
- Gift Cards: MEC, Best Buy, Chapters, Tim Hortons, Amazon
- Tassimo: McCafe Coffee
- Casual Tops/T-Shirts (Med), Jeans (33:30)
- Running T-Shirts (Med)
- Sport socks (Biking)
- Kindle case
- Hiking Boots
- Coke in glass bottles
- Sour candy
- Backpack for travel

Me
- Gift Cards: Starbucks, LCBO
- Tassimo: Tetley Chai Latte
- Sports Swimming Suits (14)
- Hiking socks (not wool)
- Running shoes (7)
- Coke Zero/Diet Coke in cans
- Epson salts
- Trivial Pursuit Bet You Know It
- Label Maker
- Cans of corn (cream, or niblets)
- "Piercing" Earrings (must click strongly to stay in)
- Interesting indoor plants
- Box in mail/Each Month subscription

Two
- Arm and Hammer cat litter deodorizer
- Cat nip
- Grow your own cat grass
- Essential oils: lemon, lavender, eucalyptus

Action Dad

Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A post about my Dad each Sunday, named after a song that he loved.

A Photo of Photos, from one of the large collages we made for his funeral:

Sailing, Sailing, and

Canoeing (when he was much younger)

Our Chicago Commute

Chicago Skyline - Rental Bikes

Jason and I, 2015

We brought our helmets with us from Canada.

Yesterday, Saturday, was pretty tiring. We have slept in a bit this morning to recover. Yesterday was tiring because we decided to bike into the city and continue north of downtown. Chicago has an incredible bike share program (Divy) that we had read about ahead of coming here (hence we brought our helmets to use since they aren't provided.) There was a station to pick up the bikes right beside our apartment building and we rode along the Lakefront Trail. We stopped at Lincoln Park Zoo after over 20km biking, seemed even longer because the bikes were heavy and slow - definitely not the road bike that Jason is used to. We walked around the zoo and conservatory, both of which were free. When we took the train home the bus that would bring us to the apartment wasn't due for another 20 minutes. There was a Divy rack right beside the station and our day use of the bikes was still valid. We just unlocked two with our codes and rode the rest of the way back!