Love Is Strong, Memories Are Fading

So happy to wake up this morning, and all mornings, beside Jason. He is truly one of the greatest things in my life and sharing time (and a house) with him is so much fun! I love him in ways that I don't even have words to describe.

We are off to enjoy a fancy Valentine's dinner together this evening. And, as he reminds me, it will be our seventh Valentine's Day as a couple. I am terrible at remembering dates or keeping track of time, every time I get this type of information (usually from Jason) I am shocked at how long we have been together. The year 2010 is burned into my brain as the year that I moved to Toronto, and it feels like I lived here for a long time before meeting Jason, but it was only a couple of years later - in the summer of 2012. This means we have been together for almost eight years!

And in September of this year it will be our fourth wedding anniversary! I really need to remember these things. Here are some key relationship dates...

July 12, 2012 - Met Jason for the first time, at a Starbucks. I have this date noted in my planner each year and I try to remember and acknowledge it.

August 9, 2012 - He kissed me for the first time, on a streetcar. While we were dating we used this as our anniversary.

October, 2013 - We moved in together (Rrunuv Bayit.)

May 8-10, 2015 - We got engaged. Yes, it took a full weekend.

May, 2016 - We moved into our house (Casa Verde.) Though we bought it on Christmas Eve in 2015, and then we signed our mortgage papers on February 25 and the closing date was March 1, 2016. The move in was delayed to allow for a couple of months of renovations.

September 24, 2016 - We got married. This also took a full weekend, but for anniversary purposes we count the Saturday date as the main one. I have this marked in my planner too, so that I remember each year. Though I purposely planned for it to be on the 24th to help me remember (liked my birthday.)

Oh, and Jason's birthday is November 29, this is in my planner too since I get it confused all the time. (My brother was born the day after and my dad died two days before. The end of November is a busy time for trying to remember things and keeping dates straight.)

Cramps With Less Meds

Since getting pregnant I haven't paid a lot of attention to 'the rules' because I pretty quickly discovered them to be based on bad studies, no science, disproved theories, etc. I would totally recommend reading Expecting Better: Why the Conventional Pregnancy Wisdom Is Wrong--and What You Really Need to Know by Emily Oster, it was great to have someone go through the studies and provide the facts and statistics around them instead of just getting an absurd lists of dos and don'ts.

However, for the past couple of weeks I have had really bad cramps in my lower stomach. I don't know if it is gas, or constipation, or my uterus expanding or implantation pain, or what have you, but it hurts! To the point of crying some evenings after dealing with multiple periods of sharp and constant pain throughout the day. Luckily I can keep it in perspective with my gallstone pain, which was way worse. Those gallstone attacks are still the most painful thing I have ever experienced!

One of 'the rules' that I have been paying attention to is medications while pregnant. (In fact I have decided with my doctor that, while I will continue to take my two anti-depressants, I am going to go off of the Adderall I take for my ADHD for at least the first trimester.) Anyway, while I would normally just take Tylenol or Advil, which ever I found first for pain, like cramps, soreness, or headaches, it is advised that Advil (or ibuprofen) should be avoided. However, Tylenol (or acetaminophen) is fine to treat pain and/or fevers. It sucks a bit that I am a bit more limited now on my pain killer choice and I really need to stock up on the one that is okay, because I am frequently very uncomfortable!!

Propelled To Learn

I have mentioned way too many times on Always Standing that I love to learn, so much that a single link to a post exemplifying this wouldn't be enough - I say it all the time, because I mean it. I just read an article that ties this to my ADHD, and I totally agree:

"We need to be careful about what we label as a disorder. When it comes to ADHD, for instance, there is growing evidence that ADHD individuals achieve very good outcomes by normal social standards. The popular-culture stereotype is of an ADHD (often "ADD") person superficially clicking from one channel or Web site to the next. An alternative vision is that many ADHD individuals adapt and end up using their cognitive profile to propel themselves from learning one piece of information to the next, and in fact end up better educated and maybe better situated to deal with the social world as well."

--- from Autism as Academic Paradigm by Tyler Cowen in The Chronicle of Higher Education, July 13, 2009.

A Day Of Prep

Tomorrow is Rob and Andrea's wedding!! And, tonight I was asked to join in the Rehearsal events, both at the church and dinner afterwards. (Jason is Rob's Best Man.) Here is how I got ready, in my usual ADHD fashion is was scattered and done in stages. Note that between all these steps I would be off doing something else:

7:00am  - (At home) Had a bath
7:30am  - Put product into hair, then tied it up in a loose bun
7:35am  - Packed make-up and redid the stuff I keep in my purse
7:55am  - Put on red dress and black flats
8:50am  - (On Dufferin Bus) Take down hair from bun
9:05am  - (Bathroom breaks at work) Put clips in hair
11:30am - Put on pantyhose
12:55pm - Laura helps fix the clips in my hair
2:35pm  - Apply foundation and blush
3:50pm  - Put on eyeliner and mascara,
3:55pm  - Fix clips in my hair, again
4:05pm  - (On King Streetcar) Apply lipstick
4:45pm  - (In taxi) Switch flats for heels

Finally Saw The Bean

Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A post about my Dad each Sunday, named after a song that he loved.

For a long time I didn't know where Stonehenge was. This was because I visited England between Grades 5 and 6 for over month with my family, and we never saw it. We saw so many sites in England the idea that my parents didn't take us to this Wonder of the World was unfathomable to me, so I spent all of high school and most of university thinking that was somewhere else. When Steph finished at Carlton, we celebrated by going on a trip to London and she wanted to see Stonehenge, we actually fraught a bit about it being in the country (and Steph is obsessed with Stonehenge so I have no idea why I argued.) We ended up seeing it and now I obviously know what country it is in.

I had been having a similar experience with The Bean. It can't be in Chicago, cause if it was, why hadn't my dad and I visited it when we came in 1994?

As I mentioned before, the only other time that I had visited Chicago was when I came with my parents over 20 years ago. My mom had a conference to attend, which meant that my dad and I hung out together during the day. We stayed at the Blackstone Hotel (some of The Untouchables was filmed there), which is next to the Hilton where my mom's conference was. These hotels are on South Michigan Avenue, just across from the big park area on Chicago's waterfront, we walked along the lake when it wasn't too cold or windy.

The only major attraction we visited here was the big aquarium, besides that we just went to all the free art galleries. Dad loved this because they were free and he has a certain cursory interest in art. Also, because I was young, we probably were moving through them in at a good pace. So, with this emphasis on art, visits to the waterfront parkland, and desire to see things that didn't cost anything, how come I never saw The Bean (which I hear K is pretty obsessed with and likes to visit it multiple times when she visits the city.)?

Turns out it wasn't even there! The planning for Millennium Park didn't start until 1997, and Cloud Gate (The Bean) wasn't added until 2006.

Where I Get It From - Fitness Edition

Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A post about my Dad each Sunday, named after a song that he loved.

My dad was quite athletic and liked to be active. He played squash at a local racquet club multiple times a week until his hip issues required him to stop. I am less active but here is where I get some of my fitness inclinations.

Running: Mom - She started in the early 2000s when helping me train for my misguided desire to apply for RMC, then she stuck with it for a while. Running was too boring for my Dad and it hurt his joints, if he joined us on a jog he would try to run beside us in the grass because it was softer. (And also did funny 'extras' like running backwards, or arm workouts, or cheering us on.)
Biking: Both - My mom and dad did a few bike trips together, (and we did biking day trips a lot as a family). They liked rail trails because of the gradual hills. I am now using my his bike since mine was stolen this summer.
Swimming: Mom - My mom used to swim at the YMCA when she worked in downtown Brantford. She has always liked swimming and been very good at it.
Yoga: Mom - She now does it each morning when she wakes up. Though similar to the running, it may have been me that got her into it initially.
Fitness Classes: Neither - My mom goes to them more than my dad ever did but in general it is more my thing. I love spinning classes.
Competitive Sports: Dad -  My dad liked the challenge of competition. When he sailed he preferred to race. His squash playing was competitive and he was parts of multiple leagues for it. My mom plays volleyball in the winter but says that they don't really keep score.
Team Sports: Neither - I played a few years of baseball growing up and a lot of soccer. However, my parents weren't really into team sports themselves. My mom prefers solitary fitness activities and my dad was social with his squash but it is still an individual sport. Keelboat sailing is as closest thing to team sports that they ever seriously participated in. As I have gotten older I have also moved away from this type of fitness activity.

Monday Morning

The Oscars ran late so I only got 5 hours of sleep.

I forgot my coffee at home on the counter.

Bus was slow which made me late to work.

Ran out of my ADD meds and I have no focus.

Way Too Early

I am not known for my punctuality. I actually love rushing to appointments, flights, trains, etc. The threat of lateness is thrilling, my mom says it is an ADD thing. However, the threat of lateness often just turns into actual lateness. So, with my current unemployment and the subsequent job interviews, I am trying really hard to be early.

I went all the way out to Scarborough today for a job interview. The interview was scheduled for 3:00pm, I arrived at 2:10pm. I think that is way too early. I think 2:45pm would have been perfect and that 2:30pm shows that you really were trying, but anything more than half an hour early is just bad.

It was nice to be so early, since I was interviewing where Aimee's sister works and she came down to visit me in the lobby/waiting room. We had a nice catch up while I waited for the people to come get be for the interview. The receptionist called, emailed, and sent instant messages to the main guy listed in my confirmation email.

When no one had come by 3:10pm I suggested contacting the second person listed that would also be at the interview and I looked at the confirmation email again to check the spelling of this second person's name. And that is when I saw it - Tuesday May 27. I was a week early! Now, that is too early!

This was especially a pain since I get very dressed up for interviews and K had made the point of coming over this morning to help me straighten my hair. It looks great but unfortunately there didn't end up being an interview today and I need to go through it all again next week.

Can You Really Tell?

Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A post about my Dad each Sunday, named after a song that he loved.

My dad didn't have coffee very often, it didn't really agree with him. I also don't drink a lot of coffee, it makes my hands shaky, gives me stomach pain, and speeds up my heart rate uncomfortably. I have stolen my dad's line that "It makes me chatty." Which people find hilarious because I, and my dad, are naturally chatty. But on coffee it is worse.

However, sometimes my dad would have coffee as a treat at the cottage and he would also add some type of liquor. So, we always had great liquors around for this reason. One of his favourites was Amaretto, that most people would recognize by the brand name Disaronno and its pretty bottle. However, I think that Dad would just buy the cheaper brands, or even cheaper ones during trips, and then just pour it in the same nice Disaronno bottle. Sneaky? Smart? Cheap? Creative? I love it.

Some Apple Sauce

Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A post about my Dad each Sunday, named after a song that he loved.

My dad has 'latched on' to a couple of food-related things over the years. There are a couple of conditions that needed to be met, and then he would be a machine. The main things I can remember are: Cherries; Apple Sauce; and Shortbread. I have a theory that he was looking for certain things and found them in these foods; he wanted to be able to mass produce, something that was extremely cheap, well-liked/appreciated, and could freeze or store well. Then he would make a shit tonne. I think the making of it was important too, it needed to be easy busy-work style that didn't take too much concentration, so that he could talk or watch TV at the same time.

Cherries: Growing up we had a huge cherry tree in front of the house in Paris. For a few years my dad sprayed it so bugs wouldn't get it, and my mom would hang out on the pouch and yell at the birds and squirrels that tried to eat them. (But only those on the lower branches, they could have the upper parts.) They were sweet cherries, not the baking kind and it was so fun to pick them all as a family. Then my dad would spend days cutting them in half and pitting them to freeze for the winter. I guess this only happened a couple of summers but when it did I can remember him sitting on the pool deck with a big bucket working at it, or with a bowl of them in front of the television at night.

Apple Sauce: My mom used to make apple sauce, which was great, and homemade lemonade, which was terrible (never enough sugar, give me the frozen pink stuff any day.) When Dad discovered you could use the worst apples and that you could get them in huge quantities - he took over. He would spend so much time cutting up apples in the fall, piles and piles and piles of them. Then he would cook them in big pots, with a bit of cinnamon (and that is it, so healthy, and it stayed a bit chunky not like the smooth store stuff.) These would then be put in recycled plastic tubs in the freezer.

I am sure that Mom will make it again at some point, or I will. Since it such an affordable way to make a lot of something so delicious. However, all that peeling and cutting will feel like tedious work, I don't need to have something like that to occupy my time. While both Dad and I have spent lifetimes dealing with ADD, he had a much harder time relaxing than I do. I am pretty comfortable being lazy and doing nothing. He, on the other hand, needed to keep busy.

Shortbread: Back in the day when my parents did 'cookie exchanges' around Christmas time, they would always bring British Shortbread (it is the crumbly type, not the Scottish melt-in-your-mouth type.) Dad took over make it each year recently when he learnt that there are less than 5 ingredients, none of which are expensive. I think it is basically butter, sugar, and flour. He burnt it more often than Mom did, at least at the start, and it required more concentration but kept him less busy. So it wasn't a perfect fit. Apple Sauce was really his forte.

A couple of days ago I had some of the Apple Sauce and it was amazing. I have a huge tub of it in the back of my fridge which I had just been given in early November. Then he died on the 27th. I came back to Toronto soon after, Teri and Jason helped me pack some things for a larger stay at The Cottage. I was clearing out the fridge with Teri and I saw the tub and just burst into tears - "He is never going to make apple sauce for us again." At the time I felt so stupid/crazy for crying over something like that, but 4 months and many many many tears later I realize that it can truly be anything that sets me off, and his apple sauce is a relatively normal thing to get upset by.

The big tub is still in the back of my fridge (however, the one I ate this week was from a small tub and was dropped off by Mom before she left for France.) I am scared to look into my old big tub, and find it all molded and in need of going in the compost. It is crazy, but I am not ready to part with that apple sauce. And, yes, thinking about it now makes me cry - crying about Apple Sauce. (Which is a bit crazy of me.)

Monetize Monday - A Writers Woes

Like many people, I want to make money from my hobby. One of my main hobbies would be Always Standing. The reason it is a hobby and not work is that I don't work at it, unfortunately to monetize these sorts of things takes a lot of drive, discipline, and hard work. (Just ask Steph about photography.) There is a balance to be considered; if I start working harder at something is there a risk that I will stop getting the enjoyment out of it as a hobby?

I know people who get paid for their blogs, or for blogging in general, and even more people who make their living solely as writers. I have shied away from doing this because I want to have the structure of a 9 to 5 style job. I don't fully consider myself as a writer, I label myself and my skills as a Communications Professional. I like that title better because it moves beyond creating copy into advising, editing, visuals, media, presentations, etc. I love to write but I can also design a good brochure, or present a branding campaign. I think I need my daily work to be more multifaceted than just writing.

However, it would still be nice if Always Standing could supplement my income somehow. I added Google AdSense to the site a long time ago, October of 2009 actually. I am still happy with how they work on the blog; I just have the three, one on each side and one at the top. I will get a cheque sent once I have amassed $100 in ad revenue.

I wanted to announce that I am half way there! As of last month my AdSense account was at $51.15.

(Did you notice that this was a bit of a scattered post? I am writing it in a haze of cold medication before taking my Adderall. I am training someone at work so in an effort to be more coherent and efficient I have been taking my ADHD meds everyday. This means that the days when I don't take them I am super unfocused - they are a bit self-perpetuating in that way. Plastic bag, plastic bag.)

Dad And I Are Late A Lot

I recently read that poor timekeeping can be diagnosed as a medical condition. (Well, it happened once in England but I hope that it will be considered legit and diagnoses becomes more widespread.) It is called "chronic lateness condition." The condition affects the same part of the brain as Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and means that the person cannot properly gauge how long things take.

This is actually how I think sometimes:
"You firmly believe that as long as the time you leave is earlier than the time you’re supposed to arrive, it’s all fine. Regardless of how long the journey takes." --- from Buzzfeed

This has actually been said to me:
"Time is not elastic." --- from my mom

This is closer to the truth:
I have no idea how long anything takes to do. I have no concept of travel time and how long it takes to get anywhere. Even with I try to add up estimates of these things - I don't really believe the numbers.

An Expensive Day, Everyday

The benefits I was getting as a Ryerson student ran out in October. Even though I was only a student until December 2012, the benefit package runs from October to October so I have been covered for a while. It is a tough bit of reality to have to pay full price for all of my medications - literally hundreds of dollars. Here is a normal day for me:

Birth Control -Cyclen - $0.90
ADHD Meds - Adderall - $3.18
Morning Anti-Depressant - Effexor - $1.49
Evening Anti-Depressant - Wellbutrin - $1.75

That is a total of $7.32 everyday, and $219.60 every month!!
So it costs me almost 10% of my income to just to stay sane, functional, not pregnant, and making sense.

The good news is that my current work is arranging for me to have a benefit package, which they will pay for, in 2013. I am going to look at packages next week to discuss which one would be best; I know that I would like dental and obviously I need prescription drugs covered!

Spoiled By J

I met J very very quickly on eHarmony. He was one of the matches that I messaged the first night I joined and he was the first person I met up with to meet face-to-face. To be ensure that the first date truly was special, I met up with someone else from the online dating site to see if all dates were like that since I was so new to it all. The second date was enjoyable but the chemistry was not there for me. This second guy wanted to meet up again and I had to apologize and say we weren't a good match. J and I then moved quite quickly into 'relationship status' and I stopped being an active participant on eHarmony - basically closing my profile.

J and I had a decent run - for the most part it was a fun three months and a great re-entry into the world of dating after a bit of a hiatus. However, I feel like it gave me a false sense of security and incorrect impressions of the online-dating world.

Thoughts From My First Use Of eHarmony And How The Second Run Is Different:

-- "This is going to be super fast and easy." J and I sent a couple of fun and witty emails, did a bit of arranging over text message to meet up and grabbed dinner as a last minute plan when we both figured out we have an evening free. Now, I am probably over a month into dating again and I have found getting to know guys and arranging dates with them can be tedious. Sometimes the text messaging stage lasts so long and gets so intense/flirty/frequent that it is practically like we are dating before we even meet. I also am busy so maybe that is making it harder to arrange times to meet - but I am always busy usually my social life fits around everything well.

-- "I am going to meet interesting people and do interesting things." This thought is manly based on the idea the dates are creative, fun, outings. Admittedly J and I just grabbed basic pub dinners the first few times we went out but soon after, because his interests and life were so different from mine, I got to do a lot of things I hadn't done before - like go to a hockey game in Toronto, Go Leafs Go! I think I have first-date burnout. I have gotten to visit some nice restaurants that I haven't been to before (and I got taken out in a really sweet car by a guy who sadly never called again) but in general these meetings are not super thrilling. 

-- "The blog is going to help me."  J had found Always Standing prior to us going on our first date - without prompting. This ended up disclosing the ADD, depression, what I look like, etc. upfront. I found it both flattering and revealing. Now, guys either refuse to look me up, even when given the details or they do and then they disappear, presumably turned-off my something that they found online.

-- "Everyone will want to meet and then date me." My first two dates both resulted in being asked out a second time. I proceeded to date one of them and had to politely decline the other. Even beyond that there were people still online who were interested in meet me. I am finding people this time around who are interested in meeting me - though it doesn't feel like a long or impressive list at the moment. However, once they meet me - they do not want to see me again! Some just completely sever conversation, which is so frustrating. Then others send a short message stating that they aren't interested in pursuing things further, which is a method that I prefer, however still can be heart-breaking at times.

It is definitly a good thing that the last thought listed above got challenged. It is not healthy/attractive to go around with that sort of attitude. However, I do wish things were going better. I will post later on about the various theories as to why I don't seem to be making good connections this time around.

The Most Supportive Person Ever

"You just have an assortment of disabilities starting with clinical depression and ADD, along with nice selection of learning disabilities, all of which you try to manage with a cocktail of medication."
-How my mother suggests I explain my issues to people

She is honestly though the most supportive person ever, which sadly still gets proven time and time again. Toronto has seen probably my longest bout of depression ever and strangely, as this was recently pointed out, my most hidden. So I think I'm at the point of talking and telling if asked but I'm not yet forthcoming about it like I have been in the past. It is sad that I have gone so underground with this - I used to be the poster girl for depression. (Not literally, though I would be willing, ANTM has taught me well.)

Not At All

Sitting in a co-workers cubical, reading something: I asked him a question then proceeded to stop paying attention, as I was reading, and started to just mumble responses. After a while of this he got annoyed and asked, "Hey, are you going to be an equal participant in this conversation?" Made me laugh. Also perked me right up and I paid attention from then on. I think I want to start using this line with my Dad.

My Ball

Me: Oh man, I'm so not on my ball today.
Anna: Don't you mean 'the' ball, as in the proverbial ball that everyone has?
Me: No no, it is 'my' ball.
I play with 'my' ball in 'the' game, why does everyone else confuse this?

Shirt or Dress?

I am really tempted to make this a link on the right because, like FML, everytime I visit I vote on everything and love it. However, I still haven't made it part of my everyday list of sites to check. Check it out and see if it gets added to yours, Shirt or Dress? which is super cute, funny, and fun. It has a voting feature which I discussed with Steph (For blogs - See Right) last night; Steph and I would enjoy having a feature like that on our blogs but fear that there won't be many responses, which like dwindling comments is always sad for a blogger. Though Steph has Google Analytics now, which she has told me about but I haven't had a chance to actually see. Heather (For blog - See Right) has it too. So they know that tons of people are visiting their sites, and how they get there, what they search in Google before hand, whether they come from my blog, how long they stay, etc. Pretty crazy stuff, I'm so tempted to get it for Always Standing but it scares me at the same time. Wow, this post is really all over the board, you can tell I haven't taken the ADD meds yet this morning.

So Happy

I am back on my drugs! Well not all of them, I went off the Birth Control this month and have to wait before I can start taking it again. But I have them, so I'm ready. I have spent the last week on and off the 'important pills' both the Adderall and the Wellburtin. It was a long ordeal; as I ran out, had a mix up with getting them picked up, everything being closed on the long weekend, then leaving them in my brothers car, not realising until he drove the 6 hours home, having issues with our national postal services, and further issues with the internal mailroom at work. Finally though, I got them and I took them. I'm happy to have made it through in one piece; mentally, emotionally, and physically. I tried my best while I was off them. Staying positive. Going outside. Doing some light exercise. Now on the other side of it all, 5 hours after taking them, and I can feel them working. Possibly the placebo effect but I don't care. I'm happy and I want to stay happy forever.

Adderall

I'm running low on my newest prescription medication, Adderall. My pharmacy is not open again until the 2nd, so I have to pick the days until then that I take it. I didn't have it today and I'm feeling really down right now and have been unmotivated all day. It scares me for two reasons 1-Addiction 2-Connection To Depression. It was prescribed to me to help the depression but manly to help with my alleged ADD. Most Anti-Depressants are sedatives with exhaustion and long sleeping hours as side effects, this drugs helps fight that. I'm worried that it is a bigger part of my happiness then I had originally thought. This scares me for two reasons 1-I Now Take Two Different Drugs For Depression 2-Addiction. Basically this is a really addictive drug. There are warnings about it all over the net. Warnings that my doctor didn't give me when it was originally prescribed. In the US it is listed under the Controlled Substance Act as a Schedule II type drug, which means although it is legal for medical prescription use it has a high potential for abuse, and abuse of it can lead to sever psychological and physical dependence. Schedule I type drugs are illegal, and Schedule III, IV, and V have lower risks. I'm worried because it is slowly becoming clear to me that the days I take this drug are much better then the ones when I don't. It is terrifying to think I might becoming addicted to something or even that I need something so very much in order to live a happy and slightly normal life. How am I not dependent on it when stopping taking it leaves me in tears and pretty much unfunctioning? Then again maybe it is all in my head. (Sorry, bad mental health pun.)