A Depressing Flowchart

So, in an effort to feel more control, or something, I have been mentally going through a flowchart of events for the next few weeks of this pregnancy.
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Heartbeat - Is there still a heartbeat? - I say 'still' because there was one at the last ultrasound at Week 7, but we know from last time, where we saw the heartbeat twice before the eventual fetal demise, and that while seeing it early lowers the chance of miscarriage, it doesn't eliminate it. After days (weeks?) of worry, we will get this answer tomorrow (Thursday) at an early early hospital ultrasound arranged by my doctor.

-- Heartbeat - No - I should know right away during the ultrasound if there has been another 'silent miscarriage' the behaviour of the technician is quite different when things are fine vs. not. Though they sometimes stick really hard to the "technician can't say anything" and I will need to wait for the doctor at the hospital or my own doctor later in the day to give me the sad news. If this is the case then all further steps stop and I will get a reference to the Early Pregnancy Loss clinic to deal with another miscarriage that will be devastatingly similar to the last one. The following weeks going through that process will be awful and annoying and I am trying not to build out that branch of the flowchart except to know that this time I would like to go through the processes at the hospital so that I can be put under general anesthetic and that the tissue can be tested afterwards.

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-- Heartbeat - Yes - As mentioned above, I should (hopefully) find this out during the actual ultrasound. If everything is still developing properly, not only with a heartbeat but proper size for 12 weeks then I move onto the next step.

Prenatal Testing - When will I get my Enhanced First Trimester Screen (eFTS) done? - My original hope was to not have to do the eFTS because the results are much later than the NIPT (Non-invasive Prenatal Testing, or the blood only paid-for DNA test that I needed to get a redraw for that started this whole emotionally challenging spiral.) The eFTS is also not as accurate so having to rely on those results instead of the NIPT means that we aren't out of the dark tunnel of worrying that we are sitting at the end of this pregnancy. More on this below.

-- Prenatal Testing - Tomorrow - Because my doctor's office was sending out urgent ultrasound requests to multiple clinics and hospitals, they were unsure if the one I have tomorrow will be just a 'viability scan' to basically check for the heartbeat and that is it, or if they will have time at the hospital to do the full eFTS. If there is time, than the ultrasound will just continue on for 45 minutes or so with a ton of measurements being made and I will be sent for blood-work tomorrow as well. This is preferred because we will get the results sooner and everything will be done at the same time.

-- Prenatal Testing - Next week - If they only have time for the quick scan tomorrow then I will be keeping the clinic appointment I have for the eFTS on Wednesday June 29. This will delay results by a week, and as my own doctor is away next week, possibly delay us learning the results even longer. (Obviously if there is no heartbeat, or if there is and the hospital ends up doing the eFTS, I will cancel this clinic appointment.)

NIPT - Did it work from the blood redraw? - I gave blood again this past Friday to try to get results through the DNA system, after my first blood draw the week before came back without results. Based on my weight and the low FF (Fetal Fraction is a measurement of the amount of the DNA found in the blood that isn't mine) from the last blood draw the chance that I can get results from the second blood draw is only 41%. This is why we are moving forward with the eFTS in the likely case that the NIPT comes back inconclusive again. I should know by early next week what happened with the blood redraw.

-- NIPT - Yes and Low Risk - This would be the best outcome of this flowchart, if I was drawing it out the box it sits in would be a starburst or something. The NIPT low risk result is very very accurate, it would mean that we could move into the second trimester of this pregnancy with a huge feeling of relief that the baby is currently healthy and doesn't have the three most common chromosome differences. (We would ignore the chromosome speculation in the eFTS in this case.)

-- NIPT - Yes and High Risk - This would be a very very worrisome outcome. Since NIPT is more accurate than eFTS, heading into the Diagnostic Testing it would be highly (greater than 90%)  likely that there are chromosomal abnormalities which would mean a termination of the pregnancy. The next step would be Diagnostic Testing, see below.

-- NIPT - No - This is fairly likely and would mean we have to wait for the eFTS results. The 'no result' as a result in itself actually signifies a slightly higher chance of chromosomal abnormalities which isn't good. The next step would be to wait for the eFTS results which depending on when I got the testing done (see above) will be ready between Aug 3 - 12.

eFTS Results - What is my risk factor? - It will be a long wait for these, but if the NIPT is inconclusive for a second time it is our only option for screening on chromosomal abnormalities.

-- eFTS Results - Low Risk - Definitely a good outcome, this would give us about the same level of relief that a NIPT Low Risk result would, that the baby is currently healthy and doesn't have the three most common chromosome differences. It would just come almost three weeks later.

-- eFTS Results - High Risk - Strangely not as bad as you would think. Because eFTS uses fetal anatomy measurements along with my hormone and protein levels to determine the risk factor it has a really high rate of false positives. It would still be cause for worry but a lot of room for hope when moving onto the Diagnostic Testing, see below. In fact there would be only around a 10% chance that there are chromosomal abnormalities which would mean a termination of the pregnancy.

Diagnostic Testing - Another whole flowchart - If we ended up in this box, either from a High Risk result coming from the NIPT or eFTS then there are a bunch of considerations that I am not dwelling on at the moment. Firstly there are two types of testing depending on how far into pregnancy you are. Depending when I get a High Risk result I made not be afforded a choice between them but if I get it early enough then I can choose between the two, one of which would involve waiting a few weeks. In both cases this type of testing is considered invasive and carries a risk of miscarriage from just undergoing the procedures. There are other health risks for both me, the baby and the pregnancy depending on which test taken. The results take between two and three weeks, so again more waiting and the potential of terminating well into the second trimester, a horrible outcome. The results from either test are considered diagnostic (stronger than screening). But let's cross that path, make that flowchart when we get there.

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Hard to make a flowchart vertically using only blog-word-processing. I can definitely see this making better sense in the more traditional visual form with boxes and arrows. However, this let me get the thoughts and timelines and steps/stages floating around in my head down onto 'paper' to some extent and hopefully help me sleep better tonight ahead of the first step coming my way really early tomorrow morning.

Didn't Even Make It A Week!

Photo of page in my bullet journal

I couldn't even get through 7 days of my 17 Day Covid Plan, it was a good attempt at staying motivated but something about it just didn't work for me. Nope! Didn't work.

Not really depressed, though there have been periods of time when I have been. Just feeling unproductive. There are lots and lots of articles going around that talk about it being okay to not be productive at this time. A lot of focus on just "getting through the day" and "self-care." So I am trying not to beat myself up about the fact that I am having a hard time getting anything useful done lately.

Happy Easter

K sent us this image with a message that said "Looking forward to the day I can hang out with my peeps again"

Me, Maria, Matty, Teri, Monica 

as Peeps! for Easter 2020 done by K

Super cute! Don't know why she picked a photo where Monica has her eyes closed but the rest of us look good. I don't think I have ever had a Peep, don't they have coconut on them, or is that something else? And I agree with her statement, this self-isolation for Covid-19 is really lonely.

Going To Be A Long Month

The following notice arrived in my email, outlining a 12-week shelter-in-place plan. I am having a hard time considering this isolation lasting for the month of April, let alone longer...

The City of Toronto has implemented the following measures that will be in effect for up to 12 weeks:
-- All individuals with COVID-19 are ordered by the Medical Officer of Health to stay home, under the Health Protection and Promotion Act for 14 days
-- All individuals who have had close contact with someone who has COVID-19 are also ordered to stay home by the Medical Officer of Health for 14 days
-- Anyone who is not ill or has not travelled, is strongly directed to stay home except for the following reasons:
- accessing healthcare or medication
- shop for groceries once per week
- walk their dogs and/or get daily exercise while maintaining physical distancing
-- People returning from international travel must stay home, already a federal order
-- Anyone over the age of 70, as the province announced this week, is strongly encouraged to stay home as much as possible
-- Only essential businesses remain open, and those businesses maximize physical distancing and infection prevention and control practices, and limit in-person access to those businesses, as much as possible

And Depression Hits

I spent all this week in bed, which isn't good. It took we a while to realize that it was out of sadness and not time change adjustment from the Palm Springs trip. Basically all I felt like doing was sleeping, it is my favourite escape and always has been when I am feeling depressed.

There is a lot to be sad about for sure but I found this escape into bed to be paired with the horrible negative thoughts that I often get when in a depressive crash, hopelessness, not wanting to be alive, not looking forward to anything, despair, etc. Hoping I caught it early I have decided to do the following every day and try to track it in my planner:
- Something for me
--- Mental health related: Eating well, exercise, baths, counselling, etc.
- Something for the cafe
--- Continuation of closing down Flipside: Paperwork, liquidation, financials, etc.
- Something for a job
--- Time to job hunt, which is always hard: Applications, follow ups, resume updates, etc
- Something for the house
--- It isn't fair for Jason to keep doing everything: Laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.
- A blog post
--- It feels good to get Always Standing updated again, so adding this to the list!

Wow, That Was A Whirlwind!

Flipside is closed now. After spending the Fall last year working on the creation of my cafe/bar, mini-donut shop concept, I took possession of a beautiful 1000-square-foot space in Toronto's Historic Distillery District at the start of 2019. It took two full months to renovate the space and continue to work on development. We opened for weekends in March, did six days a week in April, and then, starting in May, we were open everyday until this past Friday when I decided to close down.

It was a heartbreaking decision, which like all my decisions was made very quickly when the financial reality of my situation presented two options: crash and burn in a flurry of bankruptcy sometime in mid-2020 or exit gracefully by the end of the month with a lot of debt. I didn't want to ruin supplier relationships or deal with collection agencies hunting me down, I have been feeling like I was in over my head since the start and the idea that things were going to soon take a much worse turn didn't sit well.

The weekend was spent crying, cleaning, and packing up a shop that I have spent a literal year building. The painful implosion of a lifelong dream of hospitality small business ownership. I am not as devastated as I thought I would be, the year has been very challenging and I am definitely worn down. A second blow to my already fragile emotional state was that instead of getting everything moved into storage, at the last minute all my equipment and supplies ended up going into the garage, porch and dining room at Casa Verde. Now I get to be surrounded by the byproducts of my dream's demise everyday.

I locked the door and gave back the keys today. No more Flipside, I am gutted to be saying goodbye to this incredible experience.

Beginner Drawing - Class 4 of 4

I have been sick and I missed class tonight. The past three nights have really opened my eyes to the joy that pursuing a hobby can bring to my life. That making art and learning, meeting new people and participating in something like this really elevates my day. I am so sad to miss this last class and though my new business will take up too much time to continue with more courses at this time, I hope I don't stay away from art for too long.

TB - August 2007

Throwback Thursday - Scroll to the bottom of the month and read up. Or click on the earliest post in the month (to view the post and the comments) then keep clicking Newer Post until you finish the month.

AUGUST 2007

This month saw some considerable shifts, I made the decision not to go back to Carleton full-time and instead took a contract extension with The Department of Natural Resources. I do detail my plan to take two night courses, which I think is where I meet/met Jenn and Erin. (I also feature an adorable photo of the other ERin at the start of the month.) The other change is that Anna and Wes moved out, which I remember being sad about.

Also, I mention Brian and Tina going to Japan, but I can't remember who these people are. Did I meet them at school, or work, if so which work? Were they friends through another friend? The link that I reference in the post is long gone.

When doing these Throwback posts I like to edit them and provide updates, mainly adding in more tags or fixing spelling. Grammar and editing wise I had to do a lot with paragraphs and spacing, what was I thinking? Did I believe that I was writing stream-of-consciousness, and if so that it didn't need to be put into paragraphs?

Noted Post: I don't think the writing is very interesting, but I love the photo of my smile in the Humour post.

The Reckoning - Fitness

I went to Ottawa a couple of weeks ago and in the middle of my visit had a pretty sizable emotional breakdown. It wasn't depression based, instead it was about my body. I try to be open about my struggles with mental illness, but I am less open about my relationship with my body - its appearance, fitness level, weight, etc. Part of my reason for this is that I just don't think about it very much and the other part is that I have a different relationship than is usually depicted, or that I see from friends and family.

I am fine with how my body is/looks as long as...
- I am still fun, aka I am not holding others back from having a good time

I am often the slowest person on a hike or the last to finish a run. But I can still participate, I join in and enjoy various activities with my friends and family. This is very important to me and every time that Jason and I don't make it to the top of a mountain because we run out of time - my heart breaks and I hate myself and my body. This might seem like a very specific item but it has happened a number of times and it always makes me feel pretty awful about myself.

In Ottawa I felt the same way but at a magnitude never experienced before. Jason and I went to go skating on the canal and after doing up my skates I was unable to actually skate. I am not a good skater but I have never had issues doing it before. Even holding my body in position to skate was painful and the actual motion was exhausting - I was panting and sweating.

It was humiliating. I was devastated. After returning to the bench and taking off my skates, we went right to the car - I couldn't stop crying. To have my fitness level that low made me so angry at myself. I have never experienced these types of feelings about myself and body in this way. Instead of staying for the rest of the weekend in Ottawa, I decided to go home early. It was truly a shattering experience.

I couldn't imagine continuing to stay in Ottawa that weekend while feeling that awful - and I didn't feel comfortable disclosing to all the people I planned to visit that I was so upset because I felt like a useless disgusting fat worthless pile of crap. It isn't nice to hang out with people when upset, but I have done it during depressive episodes before. This was different and I am less comfortable with the realities of the situation. My friends were understanding and, while I still don't like talking about this, I decided to start writing about it to explain a bit to those who were there. This also allows me to share a bit of what is going on with me right now with others.

I Miss Him, He Is Missing Things

Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A post about my Dad each Sunday, named after a song that he loved.

Lately I have been really aware of all the things that my Dad has been missing (you know, by being dead.) As usual, strange things remind me of him. Here are the things he is missing out on this summer:

- So many superhero and action movies
- Sleeping in our cool cabinet bed
- Visits with the ever growing Minns family
- Lots of free events and festivals in Toronto
- Nautical style clothes becoming cheap and being everywhere
- Helping with our many outdoor house projects
- The new Game of Thrones season
- A lot of sailing

This doesn't even get into the extremely upsetting parts, like my wedding last year, or, meeting and playing with his grandchildren. There is always so much I want to share with him. I miss his happiness and excitement (something I am planning on writing about later.)

Hole In The Soul

I have been feeling a bit empty lately and I realize that it is because I haven't made or 'created' anything in a while. My mind is filled with timelines, organizational details, and budgets/prices for work, Casa Verde, travel, family and more. These leaves me feeling productive but hollow. I know that I am good at keeping track of these types of details. I analyse data well, much better than any creative skill I might have. But the data isn't enough, I need to be creative.

I thought that Casa Verde projects would fill that void. Fun little DIY upgrades like our 'fake crown molding' are really enjoyable, especially as they tend to take a fair amount of problem solving to recreate in our space. However, at the same time it often just feels like I am following instructions, just going step by step and not being really creative.

Hopefully I will get a chance to be artistic soon, but the opportunities seem more limited now for some reason. Maybe just getting back to writing will be enough.

It Is Going To Be A Tough Week

I am still a bit down because of Father's Day and how much it reminds me of Dad's death. Unlike more organic remembrances, that may still be sad but are at least enjoyable nostalgia, Father's Day just makes me think about the fact he is missing from my life now. It is definitely painful. His birthday is also coming up on Wednesday so it is a rough time for grief all around.

My event is, and like all event planning, the last week is chaos. It is basically controlled panic. While I do enjoy it, I could never do events like this full time - too exhausting. Also, this is a massive event and there has been less time to plan it than normal, even for a smaller event.

Also, related to work, it seems local discontent is coming a bit to the surface, which in general is a good thing because it will allow me to address concerns and improve relationships. But really this isn't coming at a time when I have the time, energy, or even mental capacity to give it the attention it deserves.

One week from today, next Monday, I should be able to take a deep breath and feel more centered.

Happy Father's Day

Dad - I miss you.

Motherhood - The Housewife In Literature

Excerpts from Ladies of Leisure: The resurgence of the housewife novel by Laura Miller:

It’s a wonder that anyone has the nerve to write about housewives at all anymore: Not only are these women bored, but they have been universally declared boring.

The readership for fiction is and has always been predominantly female and middle-class.

She is a wife and mother, roles that seem to have taken over her identity. Yet she looks down on women like that—most of whom, she can’t help noticing, are better at being wives and mothers than she is.

A 2014 novel that, while not technically about a housewife, wrestles with the same conflict between family life and self-determination, and it’s clear that the theme is enjoying a minirevival of sorts.

It’s as if such women can no long support a full-fledged novel, as if it’s impossible to imagine that these women could be happy, but equally impossible to take their unhappiness seriously.

But the housewife does have one last thing to offer novelists: An opportunity to flaunt their literary technique. The housewife is to the novelist what the still life is to the painter: a subject whose banality will take a back seat to her creator’s display of virtuosity.

She passive-aggressively rebels against her joyless, lonely existence in an unwelcoming foreign land by falling into a series of affairs.

To be so materially lucky that you’re not allowed to experience any discontent at all turns out to be just another way of being swallowed up by your social role.

She’s bored. She’s anxious. She’s guilt-ridden. She’s exhausted and frustrated and probably depressed.

Perhaps she’s refusing to acknowledge her own freedom, or perhaps she knows something the rest of us don’t. A lady of the house, a woman of leisure— with all that anyone in their right mind wants—she’s still dissatisfied. So have been many housewives before her, and so are many housewives today. But before we condemn them for their perversity and their tedious complaints, it’s worth remembering this: That’s always been one of the reasons they read so many novels.

A Perfect Poem

The service for Teri's father was opened today with a poem from Edgar Albert Guest, it was an excellent way to remind the gathered group of friends and family about the type of person Gord was:

It Couldn’t Be Done

Somebody said that it couldn’t be done
  But he with a chuckle replied
That “maybe it couldn’t,” but he would be one
  Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
  On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
  That couldn’t be done, and he did it!

Somebody scoffed: “Oh, you’ll never do that;
  At least no one ever has done it;”
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat
  And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
  Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
  That couldn’t be done, and he did it.

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
  There are thousands to prophesy failure,
There are thousands to point out to you one by one,
  The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,
  Just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing
  That “cannot be done,” and you’ll do it.

- Edgar Albert Guest, "The Path To Home," 1919

The rest of the Celebration of Life this afternoon followed suit and was a lovely string of friends and family coming forward to share their memories of Gord (including beautifully done speeches from Teri and Kevan.) It was a touching tribute to a wonderful man.

Shock And Sadness

Teri called me on Sunday evening with the terrible news that her father had passed away. It was sudden and unexpected - later determined to be the result of a brain aneurysm. I first met my best friend's dad, Gord Osmond about 25 years ago, and he is probably the kindest person I have ever known. His goodness moved beyond his polite and thoughtful demeanor and into action.

I always found it impressive that he taught Grade 8 for his entire career as a teacher - the students are at a very difficult age. But I can imagine that he would have been the perfect person to provide knowledge and guidance. Gord was a great balance of fun, intelligence, organization, and caring.

Always the athlete, Teri would tell me stories of her dad playing sports in high school, he continued to be active his entire life - playing hockey, baseball, curling, tennis, and more. He was involved with the local retired teachers organization. The activities and groups he was a part of often received the benefit of his participation at the executive level, helping to run and coordinate. Gord was generous with his time and active in the community. He was passionate about politics with a focus on education, healthcare, and equality.

Teri's house has always been a joy to visit - Bonnie and Gord have made their home in Paris and their cottage up north places of love and warmth, where I always felt welcome. Gord was a great father, it isn't just that Teri and Kevan grew up to be amazing people, which they did, but they were always awesome from the moment I met them. I witnessed from the age of 7 how involved and engaged Gord was with his family, his friends, his school, students, and hobbies. He touched so many lives and we are all much better for it. He will be dearly missed.

Two Days After Drinking

It happens pretty much every time that I drink, two days later I feel hollow. It is a very sad feeling but still quite different from depression. On this post-drinking hollow day I can still easily laugh at things I find funny, I am excited about life and events in the future, and while I often feel tired on days like this it isn't a debilitating exhaustion. Depression is so different, which is why I don't worry when I feel a little sad after drinking. 

I didn't even finish writing this post, but I am publishing it anyway. 

Three Years Ago Today

Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A Sunday post about my Dad, named after a song that he loved.

It still hurts. I think about my father often and I wish he was still here with every fiber of my being. He was gone too soon, even in three short years he has missed so many things that would have given him such joy. There is still more I want to share with him.

I got married.
Mom has a cat.
He became a grandfather, twice.
A house has been purchased and renovated.

The list goes on and if I start thinking about it too deeply it will hurt too much.

Recovering

I am trying to take a bit of time today to recoup, a peaceful Sunday spent inside working on quiet and easy chores as I try to restore health and energy for the coming week.

Here is what I am recovering from:

- My first cold of the season, sore throat on Wednesday led to full out aches, fever, runny nose, and cough. It only started to let up this morning.

- The stress of Two's vet appointment yesterday. She is healthy, it was just an annual check up, but she freaked out so much it was upsetting.

- Heartache from a shocking election. I am still sad about Hillary's loss, even more so after reading Politico's article What It Took: How a lifetime of compromises and concessions brought one woman to the brink of history.

- Busy couple of weeks at work that had me travelling, waking up for different time zones, and managing multiple shows simultaneously.

- The emotional movie Jason and I saw last night, Arrival. If you go see it, I would highly recommend reading the short story The Story of Your Life first.

- My first 'gallbladder attack' since my gallstones diagnoses last month. Last night I felt the familiar pain and reached for my morphine pills which I hadn't had to use yet. They do the trick but only by making you pass completely out, luckily it was late at night so it wasn't a problem.

Two Speeds

Still sad about the election? I am. Here are some adorable shots of a crazy little toddler to cheer you up. Steph captured the most precious photos of all the niblings that were around at our wedding. Here is just a taste of the cuteness, featuring Avery, Istagram-style (aka square):

It's Friday Night!

Avery Pushing The Stroller Across Nathan Philips Square

Toronto City Hall - September 23, 2016

By Stephanie Beach Photography

Sleepy Saturday Morning

Avery Passed Out During Our Wedding Ceremony

Toronto Island - September 24, 2016

By Stephanie Beach Photography