Didn't Even Make It A Week!

Photo of page in my bullet journal

I couldn't even get through 7 days of my 17 Day Covid Plan, it was a good attempt at staying motivated but something about it just didn't work for me. Nope! Didn't work.

Not really depressed, though there have been periods of time when I have been. Just feeling unproductive. There are lots and lots of articles going around that talk about it being okay to not be productive at this time. A lot of focus on just "getting through the day" and "self-care." So I am trying not to beat myself up about the fact that I am having a hard time getting anything useful done lately.

Cramps With Less Meds

Since getting pregnant I haven't paid a lot of attention to 'the rules' because I pretty quickly discovered them to be based on bad studies, no science, disproved theories, etc. I would totally recommend reading Expecting Better: Why the Conventional Pregnancy Wisdom Is Wrong--and What You Really Need to Know by Emily Oster, it was great to have someone go through the studies and provide the facts and statistics around them instead of just getting an absurd lists of dos and don'ts.

However, for the past couple of weeks I have had really bad cramps in my lower stomach. I don't know if it is gas, or constipation, or my uterus expanding or implantation pain, or what have you, but it hurts! To the point of crying some evenings after dealing with multiple periods of sharp and constant pain throughout the day. Luckily I can keep it in perspective with my gallstone pain, which was way worse. Those gallstone attacks are still the most painful thing I have ever experienced!

One of 'the rules' that I have been paying attention to is medications while pregnant. (In fact I have decided with my doctor that, while I will continue to take my two anti-depressants, I am going to go off of the Adderall I take for my ADHD for at least the first trimester.) Anyway, while I would normally just take Tylenol or Advil, which ever I found first for pain, like cramps, soreness, or headaches, it is advised that Advil (or ibuprofen) should be avoided. However, Tylenol (or acetaminophen) is fine to treat pain and/or fevers. It sucks a bit that I am a bit more limited now on my pain killer choice and I really need to stock up on the one that is okay, because I am frequently very uncomfortable!!

And Depression Hits

I spent all this week in bed, which isn't good. It took we a while to realize that it was out of sadness and not time change adjustment from the Palm Springs trip. Basically all I felt like doing was sleeping, it is my favourite escape and always has been when I am feeling depressed.

There is a lot to be sad about for sure but I found this escape into bed to be paired with the horrible negative thoughts that I often get when in a depressive crash, hopelessness, not wanting to be alive, not looking forward to anything, despair, etc. Hoping I caught it early I have decided to do the following every day and try to track it in my planner:
- Something for me
--- Mental health related: Eating well, exercise, baths, counselling, etc.
- Something for the cafe
--- Continuation of closing down Flipside: Paperwork, liquidation, financials, etc.
- Something for a job
--- Time to job hunt, which is always hard: Applications, follow ups, resume updates, etc
- Something for the house
--- It isn't fair for Jason to keep doing everything: Laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.
- A blog post
--- It feels good to get Always Standing updated again, so adding this to the list!

Summer Solstice

Today is the Winter Solstice, so I thought I would talk about the event I ran exactly 6 months ago! (Though I also ran an event earlier this month, but the summer one was a much larger task.) For 2018 we did a full road closure and at the same time cut almost half the budget. R and I worked very hard and I am so happy with how it all turned out. 

Even though last year I said I had thought the event went well, this year was much much better! I was depressed through most of last summer and part of that was set off by how disappointed I ended up being with the 2017 event. This year's event led into a happy, healthy and enjoyable summer! I am very proud of the 2019 Solstice event that we ran in The Junction.

Jason and Noah were big help as volunteers!

June 23, 2018 - Junction, Toronto

Motherhood - Regret

Excerpts from Maclean's article 'I regret having children' by Anne Kingston.

Amy deviates from the maternal script: if she could make that choice over again, she says, she wouldn’t. She never wanted children (“I was very independent,” she says)—her husband did. “It would have been a deal-breaker.” Parenthood put an untenable strain on the marriage; her husband wasn’t as involved as she wanted; they separated. Life is difficult, Amy reports: “Our child has two homes and I’m still doing 90 per cent of it on my own.”

Unsurprisingly, women who express regret are called selfish, unnatural, abusive “bad moms” or believed to “exemplify the ‘whining’ culture we allegedly live in.”

Brown called her children “the best things I have ever done” and assured readers she wasn’t “a monster” before expressing conflicted feelings: “What I’m struggling with is that it feels like their amazing life comes at the expense of my own,” she wrote, expressing remorse for “this life I wanted so badly and now find myself trapped in.”

Feeling trapped or suffocated is a common theme in Donath’s work; mothers felt “as if the metaphorical umbilical cord binding them to their children were in fact wrapped around their neck.” Many women said they felt pressured to have children.

Simultaneously, the demanding, exhausting, self-sacrificing and often thankless work of mothering [...] has never been more restrictive, scrutinized and questioned.

Research debunking the myth that babies have a bonding effect on marriage or that children bring happiness: a 2010 American Sociological Association study found that parents were more likely to be depressed than their child-free counterparts, and that people without kids were happier than any other group.

Parental regret also highlights gendered asymmetry around parenting; while fathers are increasingly active in child-raising, most child care and housework is still performed by women, as data from StatsCan’s 2015 General Social Survey indicates.

Fathers’ regret tends to be expressed with their feet, says York University’s O’Reilly. “They walk away.”

“Men’s identity is never collapsed into their parental one; if you’re a bad mother, you’re a bad woman. If a father is late at daycare, it’s ‘Poor thing, he’s busy.’ A mother who’s late is viewed as selfish and irresponsible.”

“The reality of motherhood is incontinence, boredom, weight gain, saggy breasts, depression, the end of romance, lack of sleep, dumbing down, career downturn, loss of sex drive, poverty, exhaustion and lack of fulfillment.”

The Reckoning - Fitness

I went to Ottawa a couple of weeks ago and in the middle of my visit had a pretty sizable emotional breakdown. It wasn't depression based, instead it was about my body. I try to be open about my struggles with mental illness, but I am less open about my relationship with my body - its appearance, fitness level, weight, etc. Part of my reason for this is that I just don't think about it very much and the other part is that I have a different relationship than is usually depicted, or that I see from friends and family.

I am fine with how my body is/looks as long as...
- I am still fun, aka I am not holding others back from having a good time

I am often the slowest person on a hike or the last to finish a run. But I can still participate, I join in and enjoy various activities with my friends and family. This is very important to me and every time that Jason and I don't make it to the top of a mountain because we run out of time - my heart breaks and I hate myself and my body. This might seem like a very specific item but it has happened a number of times and it always makes me feel pretty awful about myself.

In Ottawa I felt the same way but at a magnitude never experienced before. Jason and I went to go skating on the canal and after doing up my skates I was unable to actually skate. I am not a good skater but I have never had issues doing it before. Even holding my body in position to skate was painful and the actual motion was exhausting - I was panting and sweating.

It was humiliating. I was devastated. After returning to the bench and taking off my skates, we went right to the car - I couldn't stop crying. To have my fitness level that low made me so angry at myself. I have never experienced these types of feelings about myself and body in this way. Instead of staying for the rest of the weekend in Ottawa, I decided to go home early. It was truly a shattering experience.

I couldn't imagine continuing to stay in Ottawa that weekend while feeling that awful - and I didn't feel comfortable disclosing to all the people I planned to visit that I was so upset because I felt like a useless disgusting fat worthless pile of crap. It isn't nice to hang out with people when upset, but I have done it during depressive episodes before. This was different and I am less comfortable with the realities of the situation. My friends were understanding and, while I still don't like talking about this, I decided to start writing about it to explain a bit to those who were there. This also allows me to share a bit of what is going on with me right now with others.

Finally Finished

At the end of last summer I got this strange breakout on my chin and around my mouth. I tried to just deal with it myself for a little while (which actually ended up making it worse) before asking my doctor about it. Turns out it was Perioral Dermatitis and I needed to use a topical antibiotic to get rid of it - for nine weeks! Today I am done, nine weeks was a long time.

The funny thing with this rash was that is was self caused, by accident. I have a steroid cream that I use sometimes when the dry skin around 'my hoof' ankle bone gets bad. My doctor suspects that at some point after applying it, I touched my mouth area which brought about the rash. Then I made it worse because I thought this red bumpy and scaly rash was some type of dry skin so I actually put the steroid cream on it. This would work and it would be gone by the next day but would return a few days later. After that happened for a while I read the container of the steroid cream which said to use it twice a day for seven days - remember this was prescribed for my occasional eczema behind my ears and around my ankles. I decided to diligently follow the steroid instructions which worked; only for it to come back, with a vengeance, after I finished.

When I spoke to my doctor about it at the end of November she said that steroid cream really shouldn't be used on the face and that I needed to use antibiotics to get rid of it now. She could have given me a pill but because I was going to Africa and was needing some pills for that she thought it best if I used a gel antibiotic directly on it. She then said I was going to need to put it on twice a day for nine weeks, and that I wouldn't see improvements until about six weeks of treatment. This was disheartening because the treatment that was technically worsening it would totally clear it in a day.

There was a bit of concern with Africa because the antibiotics would make the area more sensitive to the sun, so I had to be careful to apply the gel early, wait a bit, and then apply lots of sunscreen to my chin so it wouldn't burn. This treatment wasn't a hassle at all, but it probably was the longest I have ever taken medicine for anything, besides the stuff that I take all the time. Glad it is over, but now I am in the habit of applying something to my face twice a day I think I will replace it with moisturizer, or anti-aging serum or something that is good for my skin.

Too Much Content

It is hard to post now that I am doing social media again at work. I have only recently taken it on. At the BIA we had hired a few people to do it in the lead up to our big event. Then we let the channels lay dormant for a while before it was requested that we pick it back up again. I decided I would do it (helps me stay on top of what is going on in the neighbourhood, but it does take a considerable about of time.)

So because I am creating content for The Junction all the time for multiple channels, I struggle with content and writing for Always Standing. The medium is different (also possibly the message?) since there isn't a blog at work. However, I personally have accounts at multiple channels and am now managing all the ones at work. I personally have Facebook and Twitter, though I rarely look at or post on Twitter. Then Two has her Instagram (link on the left) which I help out with. Then there are all the work ones, which I take care to post on regularly.

Follow us at The Junction, especially if you live in the GTHA:
- Instagram @TorontoJunction
- Facebook @TorontoJunction
- Twitter @TorontoJunction

I would like to make my usual promise to try to get back into the blog and post more regularly. However, if I am going to focus on bringing back habits that got lost over the summer (during my latest depressive episode) - I want to get back in shape. It is important for me to try to regularly work out. Back to the gym! (Then back to the blog!)

That IS Me When I Am Stressed

Noah posted an article that details how different personality types respond to stress, and what to do to help. I am an ESTJ so seeing that I am currently quite stressed I thought it would be an interesting to see if it matched things. Turns out my type was the first one listed.

------- from Facebook

What stresses out an ESTJ: 
– Being in an environment that is in disarray
– Frequent disruptions
– Irrational behavior
– Being surrounded by (or guilty of) incompetence
– Unexpected changes
– Lack of control
– Laziness in others
– Not having their strongly held values validated
– Guilt over being critical towards others
– Dealing too long with abstract or theoretical concepts
– Being in a highly-charged emotional environment for too long

When overwhelmed by stress, ESTJ’s often feel isolated from others. They feel as if they are misunderstood and undervalued, and that their efforts are taken for granted. When under stress, they have a hard time putting their feelings into words and communicating them to others. If they are under frequent, chronic stress, they may fall into the grip of their inferior function; introverted feeling. When this happens, they can develop a “martyr complex”. The ESTJ will be uncharacteristically emotional, withdraw from others, become hypersensitive about their relationships, and misinterpret tiny, insignificant details into personal attacks.

Thoughts
Yes! That feels very accurate. In fact Heather also commented on the post that the article matched for her personality type too.

Ok, So It Is Here, Again

I am depressed.

It isn't that hard to talk about it because I have trained myself over the years to be as open and honest about this as possible. However easy it might be to admit it is happening, it isn't easy to go through - it is scary.

I haven't felt this way in six years, my last big crash was a long one from the end of 2010 all through 2011 and possibly into the start of 2012 as well. I met Jason in the middle of 2012 so, while he knows that I have clinical depression, he hasn't actually ever seen it happen.

Starting around mid-July with a combo hit of Saturday drinking and a Sunday/Monday without one of my pills I started the slow annoying spiral. Luckily it was the 'body' pills so my thoughts didn't get messed up. However, it has now been at least two full weeks of feeling really down and I have been fighting hard to not let it affect my work or social life.

I fixed the missing pill issue right away, quickly improved my diet, luckily had my mom around for a week to give me some guidance, am careful with my nighttime sleep habits, etc. I get into work everyday and I haven't bailed on social engagements. My thoughts are okay, nothing horrible happening and when they do get negative I am able to challenge and defuse them. However, I am crying a lot, spending way to much time in bed during the day time, not enjoying things like I usually do, and generally feel like shit all the time.

Working out is the main thing on my list right now where I am lacking. Getting some cardio exercise into my daily routine would probably help, but when I feel like this it isn't an easy thing to do. I also should think about seeing someone about it - a doctor, councilor, or psychiatrist. I don't want to mess with my pills again though and it is a struggle to find someone good to talk to, it is also expensive.

But I am fighting this, got to keep fighting it.

Motherhood - The Housewife In Literature

Excerpts from Ladies of Leisure: The resurgence of the housewife novel by Laura Miller:

It’s a wonder that anyone has the nerve to write about housewives at all anymore: Not only are these women bored, but they have been universally declared boring.

The readership for fiction is and has always been predominantly female and middle-class.

She is a wife and mother, roles that seem to have taken over her identity. Yet she looks down on women like that—most of whom, she can’t help noticing, are better at being wives and mothers than she is.

A 2014 novel that, while not technically about a housewife, wrestles with the same conflict between family life and self-determination, and it’s clear that the theme is enjoying a minirevival of sorts.

It’s as if such women can no long support a full-fledged novel, as if it’s impossible to imagine that these women could be happy, but equally impossible to take their unhappiness seriously.

But the housewife does have one last thing to offer novelists: An opportunity to flaunt their literary technique. The housewife is to the novelist what the still life is to the painter: a subject whose banality will take a back seat to her creator’s display of virtuosity.

She passive-aggressively rebels against her joyless, lonely existence in an unwelcoming foreign land by falling into a series of affairs.

To be so materially lucky that you’re not allowed to experience any discontent at all turns out to be just another way of being swallowed up by your social role.

She’s bored. She’s anxious. She’s guilt-ridden. She’s exhausted and frustrated and probably depressed.

Perhaps she’s refusing to acknowledge her own freedom, or perhaps she knows something the rest of us don’t. A lady of the house, a woman of leisure— with all that anyone in their right mind wants—she’s still dissatisfied. So have been many housewives before her, and so are many housewives today. But before we condemn them for their perversity and their tedious complaints, it’s worth remembering this: That’s always been one of the reasons they read so many novels.

Motherhood - Just Disappear

I was watching Hockey Wives with Tessa on Monday. (I would like to state that it was not my decision of show, I don't like it very much - but I can't judge her choice, I like a lot of reality TV and none of it is good.) One of the women had a baby recently and talks to her friend about how tiring motherhood is because her son isn't sleeping through the night yet. She said this, while giggling:

I don’t want anything bad to happen to me. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. But if the world just blew up and everybody just ended at the same time, I’d be fine with that. That’s how tired I am.

This rings so close to depression. I have had these thoughts, they are the precursor to wanting to die. It isn't quite there yet, it is the desire to just not exist anymore in a way that avoids pain for friends and family - it is very close to a suicide fantasy. However, it also rings so true to what I image parents might think or feel at times.

Two Days After Drinking

It happens pretty much every time that I drink, two days later I feel hollow. It is a very sad feeling but still quite different from depression. On this post-drinking hollow day I can still easily laugh at things I find funny, I am excited about life and events in the future, and while I often feel tired on days like this it isn't a debilitating exhaustion. Depression is so different, which is why I don't worry when I feel a little sad after drinking. 

I didn't even finish writing this post, but I am publishing it anyway. 

Our Vows, Part 1

Jason and I agreed on a format for the wedding vows that we wrote - 6 pairs of statements. Each of the 6 vows would start by stating "I love you because.." with reasons why we love the other person, followed by a promise phrased "Because I love you..."

We wanted to be surprised up at the alter (not that we had an alter at our wedding) so we separately wrote them and didn't show each other. So that our guests could follow along with what we were saying, and so we could have a nice copy of them for prosperity, we did have them published in our program. We both submitted them to Kristen who covered them in all our proof reads and edits of the document.

These were mine:

Jason, I love you because you are fun and playful. 
Because I love you, I will not have an expectation that you must entertain me. 

I love you because you don’t let me get away with everything. 
Because I love you, I will not manipulate or lie to you. 

I love you because you are smart, hard working, and constantly reading. 
Because I love you, I will give you the space and quiet needed to be yourself. 

I love you because you have witnessed my grief and held my hand. 
Because I love you, I will work hard to stay healthy so you won’t experience my depression. 

I love you because you are kind and affectionate. 
Because I love you, I will build a family with you. 

I love you because you make me feel so calm. You are my home. 
Because I love you, I will support you, care for you, and share my life with you, as your partner - always.

Accomplished Before Engagement

I ran across the article Getting Married Is Not an Accomplishment at just the right time, wedding planning had been getting me down, I was struggling with a small depressive low, and I was not looking forward to the future. I needed perspective and it was great to read some words that seemed more based in my reality.

Being popped the question is still more celebrated than academic and professional pursuits of women. Yes, college graduations and landing a great career and receiving wonderful promotions are all received with happiness from friends and family, but not even close to the same level of elation received when you announce that you are getting hitched. This is my experience, at least. I am so grateful for the excitement surrounding my upcoming marriage, however, I often wonder why the event of getting married is put on a higher pedestal than the true successes that come along with an education and career.

Despite everything Jason and I are doing to try to take away the parts of a 'traditional' wedding that don't mesh with our personalities, relationship, or personal views. I still struggle with how gendered this event is - especially everyone's reaction to it. I completely notice the same things as the author, Natalie Brooke:

I can’t blame anyone for being more curious about my relationship status than my career, as I too have been guilty of doing the same with other woman. After all, we are all taught through expertly crafted commercials and advertisements that it is of utmost importance for a woman to get a ring put on her finger. Perhaps it’s time for society as a whole to re-evaluate what aspect of women’s lives we put the most value on. In my opinion, getting married should never be put in a higher regard than the academic and professional successes that women work hard to attain.

I have a slightly different reaction though, I DO blame people for being more interested in my relationship, wedding, etc than my career - I work for a really really interesting company!! Jason is constantly asked more about his job than I am. I will do another post on that since it is a longer rant.

You can read the full original article on Huffington Post HERE. Also check out Natalie Brooke's follow-up article: Getting Married Is Not an Accomplishment, But Finding Happiness (In Any Form) Is.

Also, on an end note, I am feeling much better now and wedding planning is exciting again.

Big Drugs

I found out awhile ago that if I order my medication though the online pharmacy MediTrust than my benefits cover 100 percent of the cost instead of just 80. I made the switch and enjoy the convenience of delivery. However, I don't know if I previously was getting name-brand versions or if various generic versions are available but my new pills are MASSIVE. Check out the image to the right, they have literally doubled in size, and I take three of these guys every night. The smaller pills with the lighter grey are the kind that I have been taking for years. This drug isn't the only one with a size increase either, the other one that I ordered is also bigger, the only ones that stayed the same were birth control.

Winning The Lottery

I just finished readying The Happiness Equation. I didn't connect with it the same way that I did with the various books by Gretchen Rubin. However, I think it would be incredible to Neil Pasricha speak; I got the sense from his book that he would be a very powerful speaker. Neil is also the person behind the website 1000 Awesome Things and the subsequent Book of Awesome series (I think Erin AH gave me the first one a while back.)

One of the interesting concepts or "Secrets to Happiness," presented in The Happiness Equation is learning to like what you have. He basically says that our constant desire to want 'more' is stressful and a barrier to happiness. Focus on being happy with what you have, where you are, and who you are in the present, he calls this Secret to Happiness, "Remember The Lottery."

-

We live on the only place that can possibly support life.

-

Being alive means you've already won the lottery.

-

You are among the wealthiest people in the entire world. The average world income is five thousand dollars. Are you higher than that? Then you're in the top 50%. And if you're higher than fifty thousand dollars you're in the top 0.5%. Do you need much more than 99.5% of people alive? You either have the money to buy this book or you have the time to read it. Either way, you have it good!

You already have more than almost everybody on the planet.

-

You have to remember the lottery.

Because you've already won.

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By Neil Pasricha

TB - July 2007

Throwback Thursday - Scroll to the bottom of the month and read up. Or click on the earliest post in the month (to view the post and the comments) then keep clicking Newer Post until you finish the month.

JULY 2007

Oh to be young in July again! This seems like such a nice period of happiness after a long stretch of depression. I am not manic and sad things seem to still happen - I mention a crush that wasn't panning out, I think that was a colleague at Subway. In general though going through this month is a lovely read where I seem to have really found myself. Definitely immature, very 'newly independent' and living the student life-style. However, you can see the early stages of my friendship growing with ERin and Kristen. Also Steph and Teri left lots of comments and get mentioned in posts. It just looks like it was such a nice, easy, fun month. Makes me excited for summer this year!

Noted Post: I still love the post comparing Hamilton to Mordor, thanks to a funny comment made by ERin during lunch at GeoConnections.

Oops, A Double Post

I caught a double post! I am sure it has happened numerous times - that I talk about a topic on Always Standing a second time without referencing the first. It is hard to remember the subject matter of the over 2500 posts I have on here. However, last month I talked about 'Blue Monday' advertising and it turns out that I already know about the dubious science behind it since I had posted about it 5 years ago.

Finances In February

Most people know that I hate February and that patterns in my life tend to show that my depression is usually at its worst. (This is why Teri was confused to find out that Winter is my favourite season - because I always talk about how February is so awful.)

This week has been very difficult, reminding me of so many terrible Februarys in the past. We are running into a lot of snags with our mortgage arrangements. The result of this is that I feel anxious all day only to go home and breakdown from the stress - crying off and on through the evenings. I know that it will get sorted out and every day things seem a little better, clearer, more hopeful.