Sunday, 5 December 2010

Search & Find

I lost myself a little yesterday. I guess I saw it coming, I could feel it pulling me back for about a month now. September and October had some rough moments but they were all tangible, related to Binx or because I was adjusting to a new city and a new life. But, November has felt different, there has just been this dark cloud hanging around, and I'm used to the dark cloud coming around sometimes but this one was shooting some really bad thoughts into my head, I guess you could go with some sort of extended storm and lightening metaphor if you're feeling poetic.

I haven't felt that/this awful in a long time. I haven't thought those things in what I would like to think has been years. Feeling so worthless. Feeling so hopeless. Feeling like life is so pointless. But at the same time, somehow feeling nothing. How is that even possible? Pain and nothingness? Just this empty pit, my body feels hollow and it makes me nauseous. Just sitting on the kitchen floor crying for no reason, I don't know why it always seems to be in the kitchen.

I had felt it for so long, and had been fighting it. I would wake up in the morning, stare at the ceiling and know that it was there but I willed myself to get up everyday and trudge on through. I was so looking forward to writing a post at the end of the week saying -Look, it was here but I got through it, I didn't let it win this time.- I don't feel like I can really write that anymore. I think people knew there was something wrong, something looming, I could occasionally hear the concern and fear in their voices, and if I, the most socially oblivious person in the world, could pick up on it, then some people definitely knew.

I'm sorry, I'm trying to crawl back up to the surface, I guess the storm metaphor is gone and we have moved on to a water one now. Please understand that I don't want to be here. I am scared that this is happening and I hate it. I am sorry to everyone, especially those tied in for one reason or another, it is tough and I wish it wasn't this way.


Hezabelle said...

*hugs* I don't know what else to say other than that I'll always be here for you. And I love you.

Annz said...

oh my goodness Chris, snap out of it! I enjoy our skype dates more than you can know, and you know me, I don't get along with emotions or sentiment or anything resembling a feeling.
I would have a gaping hole in my life without you! Ugh, look at what you've done. I've just puked in my mouth.