Motherhood - Be Quiet

This was posted by Meg on Facebook a while ago and it really hit home. The things that people have said to me when I mention wanting to only have one child are frequently appaling and often hurtful, and my plans are all in the hypothetical. It would be so much worse if any of the situations below were my current reality.

With our wedding approaching I thought it was a good time to post this - these types of events tend to lend themselves to people asking invasive questions and sharing upsetting comments (with good intentions but hurtful just the same.)

The original piece is entitled Mind Your Own Womb and was written by Nadirah Angail. I have adapted it considerably so please go read her version as well. The main thing that neither address is the possibility that the women doesn't want children at all. Both versions are based around a female experience but this isn't a gender thing, it is a family thing. Man can hurt just as much from inappropriate questions about parenthood.

Be Quiet

Somewhere there is a woman: 36, no children. 
People ask her, “Still no kids?” Her response varies from day to day, but it usually includes forced smiles and restraint. “Nope, not yet,” she says with a chuckle, muffling her frustration. “Well, don’t wait forever. That clock is ticking, ya know,” they say before departing, happy for imparting such erudite wisdom. They leave and the woman stops holding her smile. Why couldn't they be quiet. They don't know her pain, they don't understand her reality. She is hurt and frustrated and this conversation doesn't address the truth that...
- she’s been pregnant 4 times and miscarried every one
- she started trying for a baby on her wedding night, and that was 5 years ago
- her husband has an ex-wife and she has given him children
- she wants desperately to try invitro but can’t even afford the deposit
- she’s done multiple types of fertility testing and treatments and still has no children
- this issue causes friction in her marriage
- all her sisters have children and one of them didn’t even want children
- her best friend is pregnant and she just got invited to another baby shower
- her mother keeps asking
- her in-laws want to be grandparents
- her neighbor has twins and treats them like shit
- 16-year-olds get pregnant without trying
- she’s already picked out names
- there’s an empty room in her house
- there is an empty space in her body
- she has so much to offer
- her husband would be a great dad
- she would be a great mother, but isn’t. 

Somewhere else is another woman: 35, one child. 
People say to her, “Only one? You never wanted any more?” “I’m happy with my one,” she says calmly, a rehearsed response she’s given more times than she can count. Quite believable but she wishes they had just stayed quiet. No one would ever suspect that the question cuts through her normally happy life. That just a simple comment can bring back the dark reality that this is the very thing keeping her up at night. It is difficult reminder because...
- her one pregnancy was a miracle
- her son still asks for a brother or sister
- she always wanted at least three
- her second pregnancy had to be terminated to save her life 
- her doctor says it would be “high-risk” 
- she’s struggling to care for the one she has
- sometimes one feels like two
- her husband won’t even entertain the thought of another
- her family thinks one is enough and wouldn't support more 
- she’s deep into her career and can’t step away
- she feels selfish
- her postpartum depression was so intense
- she can’t imagine going through everything again
- she has body issues and pregnancy only exacerbates it
- she had to have a hysterectomy
- she wants another baby, but can’t have it.

Another woman: 34, five children. 
People say to her, “Five? Good lord, I hope you’re done!” And then they laugh… because those types of comments are funny. The woman laughs too, but not in earnest. She would have preferred them to be quiet. She changes the subject, as she always does, and gives the disrespect a pass. Just another encounter with this frustrating attitude towards her family. It hurts her because...
- she’s pregnant with another and feels like she has to hide the joy
- she always wanted a big family and doesn’t see why people seem so disturbed by it
- she has no siblings and felt profoundly lonely as a child
- her Granny had 12 and she’d love to be just like her
- she couldn’t imagine life without her children, but people treat her like they’re a punishment
- she doesn’t want to be pitied
- people assume this isn’t what she wanted
- they assume she’s just irresponsible
- they believe she has no say
- she feels misunderstood
- she’s tired of defending her private choices
- she and her husband are perfectly capable of supporting their family but that doesn’t seem to matter
- she’s tired of the “funny” comments
- she minds her own business and wishes others would mind theirs
- sometimes she doubts herself and wonders if she should have stopped two kids ago
- others are quick to offer criticism and slow to offer help
- she’s sick of the scrutiny
- she’s not a side show
- people are rude and so many seem to have opinions on her private life
- all she wants to do is live in peace

These women are everywhere. They are our neighbors, our friends, our sisters, our co-workers, our cousins. They have no use for our advice or opinions. Their reproductive lives are their own. You probably don't know the truth behind the simple reality of 5 or 4 or 3 or 2 or 1 or no children in someone's life. Let them share if they want to. Don't ask, don't comment. Just. Be. Quiet.

Gulp!

So, umm, this just happened: 

A woman at work asked if I was pregnant! 

That has never happened before; I really need to get started on a weight-loss plan and fast! She didn't say it in a mean way, and she is British so she actually asked, "Oh, are you all spronged?" Which she then clarified meant pregnant, I think it is a more affectionate British version of 'knocked up'. When I told her I wasn't, she back tracked a bit saying how great I look and that she was just thinking it would be wonderful for me if I was... I have only met her a few times, so she obviously doesn't know me well. It is so surreal; I have never been asked that before by a borderline stranger. I don't know what to think.

Good Friday

The capacity of people to be good, during the worst times, always astounds me.

-------------- from Facebook, and Wikipedia

An Inspirational Woman - Gisella Perl

Gisella Perl was forced to work as a doctor in Auschwitz concentration camp during the holocaust. She was ordered to report ever pregnant women do the physician Dr. Josef Mengele, who would then use the women for cruel experiments (e.g. vivisection) before killing them. 

"I decided that never again would there be a pregnant woman in Auschwitz." She saved hundreds of women by performing abortions on them before their pregnancy was discovered, without having access to basic medical supplies. She became known as the 'Angel of Auschwitz'. 

 After being rescued from Bergen-Belsen concentration camp she tried to commit suicide, but survived, recovered and kept working as a gynecologist, delivering more than 3000 babies.

Cramps With Less Meds

Since getting pregnant I haven't paid a lot of attention to 'the rules' because I pretty quickly discovered them to be based on bad studies, no science, disproved theories, etc. I would totally recommend reading Expecting Better: Why the Conventional Pregnancy Wisdom Is Wrong--and What You Really Need to Know by Emily Oster, it was great to have someone go through the studies and provide the facts and statistics around them instead of just getting an absurd lists of dos and don'ts.

However, for the past couple of weeks I have had really bad cramps in my lower stomach. I don't know if it is gas, or constipation, or my uterus expanding or implantation pain, or what have you, but it hurts! To the point of crying some evenings after dealing with multiple periods of sharp and constant pain throughout the day. Luckily I can keep it in perspective with my gallstone pain, which was way worse. Those gallstone attacks are still the most painful thing I have ever experienced!

One of 'the rules' that I have been paying attention to is medications while pregnant. (In fact I have decided with my doctor that, while I will continue to take my two anti-depressants, I am going to go off of the Adderall I take for my ADHD for at least the first trimester.) Anyway, while I would normally just take Tylenol or Advil, which ever I found first for pain, like cramps, soreness, or headaches, it is advised that Advil (or ibuprofen) should be avoided. However, Tylenol (or acetaminophen) is fine to treat pain and/or fevers. It sucks a bit that I am a bit more limited now on my pain killer choice and I really need to stock up on the one that is okay, because I am frequently very uncomfortable!!

So Tiny!

It was a good appointment today! My doctor is very excited for us, so her and Jason will probably get along great. What is awesome is that even though she is my family doctor, she also has additional training in obstetrics, with hospital privileges to provide obstetrical care at St. Joseph Health Centre Toronto. So she can manage my pregnancy!

We got some information sheets with dos and don'ts, talked about my care options (I chose staying with her, I wasn't interested in a midwife or OB-GYN specialist), got requisition forms for blood tests and she is sending me next week to day a dating ultrasound. While I thought my cycle was consistent, apparently it isn't regular enough to date the pregnancy accurately.

The estimate is that I am around 4 weeks pregnant, since I JUST took the home test yesterday! Everything seems to measure baby size by fruit, which I think is weird and depending on the fruit it can be confusing. I found a fun article that does a Millennial Baby Size By Week using things other than fruit comparisons. Apparently this early on the fetus is the size of spec of eye shadow glitter. For reference that's 0.014 to 0.04 inches in length and not quite 0.04 ounces. So very very tiny!

An Expensive Day, Everyday

The benefits I was getting as a Ryerson student ran out in October. Even though I was only a student until December 2012, the benefit package runs from October to October so I have been covered for a while. It is a tough bit of reality to have to pay full price for all of my medications - literally hundreds of dollars. Here is a normal day for me:

Birth Control -Cyclen - $0.90
ADHD Meds - Adderall - $3.18
Morning Anti-Depressant - Effexor - $1.49
Evening Anti-Depressant - Wellbutrin - $1.75

That is a total of $7.32 everyday, and $219.60 every month!!
So it costs me almost 10% of my income to just to stay sane, functional, not pregnant, and making sense.

The good news is that my current work is arranging for me to have a benefit package, which they will pay for, in 2013. I am going to look at packages next week to discuss which one would be best; I know that I would like dental and obviously I need prescription drugs covered!

A New Baby

Aria Lynn 

Born: August 3, 2014

In my usual form, I am very late with my Always Standing congratulations, but on August 3rd, Amanda (SoccarStar, WalkerPal) and her husband, Tim, welcomed a beautiful daughter into their family. Amanda and I have been friends since elementary school; we walked together and were always late. Of course, we were also friends all through High School too. I very much wish she lived closer to Toronto (in fact she did live in the city but I was in Ottawa at the time, and moved away before I got here.) Amanda is amazing and I miss her a lot.

When she was born, Aria Lynn was 'only' 5lbs 13oz, and I like to hear about tiny babies, since 8 and 9lbs now seems to be the norm. (I was 6lbs 11oz, and I don't think I was considered small at all.) I have yet to meet Aria Lynn, however a very pregnant Amanda was at Teri and Greg's wedding on July 26, so I was in the same room as the baby - kinda. Teri and I will make our way to see the new one soon, and of course visit with proud big brother Hudson.

All photos by:

Cayley Black Photography

Copywrite 2014

Whaaat?!?

I have made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. We were trying to get pregnant but I am still in shock that it happened! Also, that I was just a bit bored this morning and decided to take a test, I hadn't really even registered that my period was late. Jason is over the moon and we have already started to tell everyone (mainly through texting - the modern era.)

There's A Zergling In There

I keep meaning to announce this in a much more exciting fashion, however, time is drawing closer and I think the important thing is to get it out there before this 'thing' arrives:

I AM GOING TO BE AN AUNT!

In May, Aimee and Mike informed Mom and I that they were expecting (and yes, for some reason I unexpectedly started crying immediately.) Well, Aimee is due in a matter of weeks now and I haven't mentioned this on Always Standing. I hoped to explain the genesis of calling the baby a Zergling and plan to still get that post done sometime before the birth. They have decided to be surprised in terms of the baby's gender so I have taken to using the word Nibling, taught to me by Steph.

Here is an amazing before and after picture of my beautiful sister-in-law:

9 months ago vs. now. 36 weeks pregnant

Taken by Aimee with her phone

And The Baby Wins

Taylor and Mark got some very beautiful maternity photos done. (Yes, Taylor has been pregnant for the last nine or so months - something that I don't think has been officially announced on Always Standing.) I asked permission to post some of the pictures and Taylor said yes.

Well, last night Taylor had the baby! He beat me to even posting about the pregnancy! I am so excited - Congratulations to Mark and Taylor!!

Kristen and I are going to go and visit him tonight. From what I can tell from the small photos coming from Mark to the cell phone - I am going to be spending some time with a beautiful, tiny, perfect, and adorable little creature this evening. I can't wait to meet him!! Hopefully I can get a couple of quick photos and ask Taylor if I can put them up too. In the mean time here is what he looked like a month or so ago...

Mark & Taylor - Maternity

By Gerri Photography