Toronto Has Not Been Good For My French

Me trying to get Jason out of the house faster:

"Donner les vetements a ton pieds!"

I wanted him to get his shoes on. It actually isn't very effective to try to talk to him in French, since he doesn't speak it, but then again, neither do I. The above was supposed to translate roughly into, "Give the clothes to your feet." I couldn't remember at the time that the word for shoes is chaussures.

The Reckoning - Using The Anger

Jason was very supportive in Ottawa while I was having my fitness-related emotional breakdown. I explained how I was feeling and what was happening to me as best I could. He was understanding about my desire to leave and return to Toronto, identifying it as a desire for safety and comfort - something I hadn't even figured out at the time. Before he agreed to cut the trip short, and pop in on a few of my friends in my place, to do the various item pick-ups and drop offs that were required - he posed an important question: "What are you going to do with this anger?"

I can complain about the way I look, or being out of shape, or whatever, but this was a level of distress that couldn't be ignored. He didn't want me to run away from Ottawa and ignore what happened. I also, never, ever want to feel that way again. So I vowed to use the anger, to remember it and start moving towards a higher fitness level and better relationship with my body.

The following day, Monday February 12, I started making a point of 'moving' for at least 20 minutes every day - walking on the treadmill at the gym or doing a YouTube fitness video. I also do some type of cool down each evening, either a mindfulness/meditation activity or a short bedtime yoga routine.

So far I have only missed a couple of days and even though this is a small, slow start I hope to increase and expand it. I would like to return to my previous carefree, happy relationship with my body where I don't really ever think about it.

The Reckoning - Fitness

I went to Ottawa a couple of weeks ago and in the middle of my visit had a pretty sizable emotional breakdown. It wasn't depression based, instead it was about my body. I try to be open about my struggles with mental illness, but I am less open about my relationship with my body - its appearance, fitness level, weight, etc. Part of my reason for this is that I just don't think about it very much and the other part is that I have a different relationship than is usually depicted, or that I see from friends and family.

I am fine with how my body is/looks as long as...
- I am still fun, aka I am not holding others back from having a good time

I am often the slowest person on a hike or the last to finish a run. But I can still participate, I join in and enjoy various activities with my friends and family. This is very important to me and every time that Jason and I don't make it to the top of a mountain because we run out of time - my heart breaks and I hate myself and my body. This might seem like a very specific item but it has happened a number of times and it always makes me feel pretty awful about myself.

In Ottawa I felt the same way but at a magnitude never experienced before. Jason and I went to go skating on the canal and after doing up my skates I was unable to actually skate. I am not a good skater but I have never had issues doing it before. Even holding my body in position to skate was painful and the actual motion was exhausting - I was panting and sweating.

It was humiliating. I was devastated. After returning to the bench and taking off my skates, we went right to the car - I couldn't stop crying. To have my fitness level that low made me so angry at myself. I have never experienced these types of feelings about myself and body in this way. Instead of staying for the rest of the weekend in Ottawa, I decided to go home early. It was truly a shattering experience.

I couldn't imagine continuing to stay in Ottawa that weekend while feeling that awful - and I didn't feel comfortable disclosing to all the people I planned to visit that I was so upset because I felt like a useless disgusting fat worthless pile of crap. It isn't nice to hang out with people when upset, but I have done it during depressive episodes before. This was different and I am less comfortable with the realities of the situation. My friends were understanding and, while I still don't like talking about this, I decided to start writing about it to explain a bit to those who were there. This also allows me to share a bit of what is going on with me right now with others.

My Goofy Valentine

Cutting The Cake

Jason and Christine's Wedding Reception - September 24, 2016

By Stephanie Beach Photography

City Rhymes

Originally I was planning to pick Jason up at Weston Station after work so he could get home faster. However, we got a lot of snow today and my drive north from The Junction to Casa Verde was slow. I ended up sending him a text to let him know it wasn't a good idea for me to come get him, and my suggestion after that accidentally rhymed:

"Uber from The UP or take TTC."

A Vicious Attack

Not the best start to my day - our shower caddy crashed down on me while I was have a bath this morning.

The pole, shelves, and bath products ended up on top of me, I wasn't touching it at the time (totally unprovoked assault!) Jason was still home at the time so I called for him and he helped untangle me. A spot near the top of my head has a bit of a goose-egg, half of my forehead is tender, and my nose hurts - no bruises are showing though.

Custom Door Means Tiny Fridge

One of the things we did in the basement renovation last year was install a new exterior side-door. It ended up being a fairly costly element of the project because it had to be made to custom dimensions. (Blurry night-time photo of the new door.)

At the moment, we are further upgrading the basement space and even though the kitchen is already very nice, we decided to improve it more by getting a new fridge. When Jason went to research, it turns out we had almost trapped the old fridge, and severely restricted our new fridge choices, with our custom door. After Jason took the old fridge apart into as many pieces as possible, the delivery people were able to squeeze it out - we currently have no railing on the inside portion of the stairs. If we hadn't gotten it out before we rebuilt the railing we would have had a big problem.

The new fridge is so small! It is probably about the size of the one we had at Rrunuv Bayit, so I guess it is appropriate for an apartment.

But She Did A Photo Diary

Some people said I was cheating by referring people over to Mom's blog after our Inca Trail trip two years ago. The thing is, she writes her blog like a travel diary with tons of photos - her travel posts are just way better than mine. The day-to-day based approach really goes into detail about the trip and her photos are excellent. Always Standing tends to be random and when I travel I still post about it but not consistently or in a way that would give readers a good sense of the trip.

So, I will still be posting about Africa as I think of things or if I notice a good picture that I want to share. However, for those that haven't been checking out Vicarious Travelling on the regular, or during our big Africa Trip, please go read the posts from January. The archive is on the right hand side of the site (she has a different set up from Always Standing) and it is easy to navigate. All the posts from our trip are titled starting with Gate 1, South Africa, (gate 1 was the tour company that the Groupon was from). You can find her first African post HERE.

Also, Vicarious Travelling can always be accessed from the link called Mom's Travel Blog in the Lovely Links section of the left-side column of Always Standing. This is also where you can find a link to Two's Instagram for readers that want to check that but don't have an instagram account. And if you are reading this in the mobile version on your tablet or cell phone and the side columns aren't visible, scroll to the bottom of the page and click on View Web Version to access the aforementioned links.

Finally Finished

At the end of last summer I got this strange breakout on my chin and around my mouth. I tried to just deal with it myself for a little while (which actually ended up making it worse) before asking my doctor about it. Turns out it was Perioral Dermatitis and I needed to use a topical antibiotic to get rid of it - for nine weeks! Today I am done, nine weeks was a long time.

The funny thing with this rash was that is was self caused, by accident. I have a steroid cream that I use sometimes when the dry skin around 'my hoof' ankle bone gets bad. My doctor suspects that at some point after applying it, I touched my mouth area which brought about the rash. Then I made it worse because I thought this red bumpy and scaly rash was some type of dry skin so I actually put the steroid cream on it. This would work and it would be gone by the next day but would return a few days later. After that happened for a while I read the container of the steroid cream which said to use it twice a day for seven days - remember this was prescribed for my occasional eczema behind my ears and around my ankles. I decided to diligently follow the steroid instructions which worked; only for it to come back, with a vengeance, after I finished.

When I spoke to my doctor about it at the end of November she said that steroid cream really shouldn't be used on the face and that I needed to use antibiotics to get rid of it now. She could have given me a pill but because I was going to Africa and was needing some pills for that she thought it best if I used a gel antibiotic directly on it. She then said I was going to need to put it on twice a day for nine weeks, and that I wouldn't see improvements until about six weeks of treatment. This was disheartening because the treatment that was technically worsening it would totally clear it in a day.

There was a bit of concern with Africa because the antibiotics would make the area more sensitive to the sun, so I had to be careful to apply the gel early, wait a bit, and then apply lots of sunscreen to my chin so it wouldn't burn. This treatment wasn't a hassle at all, but it probably was the longest I have ever taken medicine for anything, besides the stuff that I take all the time. Glad it is over, but now I am in the habit of applying something to my face twice a day I think I will replace it with moisturizer, or anti-aging serum or something that is good for my skin.

Not Wanting To Offend

................... found online, Buzzfeed, I think

My Pickiness (from above): 
- In some cases: Blue Cheese and Liver
- If it has a head or thin/fine bones: Raw Fish and Cooked Fish

My Pickiness (not listed)
- Nothing TOO spicy

There are lots of items above that I don't really like - that I wouldn't order at a restaurant or cook with at home. However, hard to think that if I was visiting someone, and didn't want to offend them, what I wouldn't be able to just deal with and eat. The one that comes to mind is Liver, I really hate the taste of liver (and other organ meat) but in China I ended up eating it for breakfast a couple of times and got through it fine. Blue Cheese is really on a case by case bases, for example Blue Cheese Dressing is delicious, a hunk of Blue Cheese plain is uneatable.

Let me know in the comments, how picky are you?

Not Resting On My Middle Name

I had such a good January when it comes to posting on Always Standing. It is important not to lose steam, not to "rest on my laurels."

Idiom Definition: To stop putting in effort, trying to innovate, or working to advance one's career or status and instead rely on one's past achievements or accolades to remain relevant or successful

Idiom Background: In Ancient Greece, victorious athletes were presented with laurel wreaths to wear. They were, and still are, signs of great accomplishment, unless you start resting on them. Read more at History Revealed.

Laurel wreaths were made from the leaves of the laurel bush (or tree, or shrub, it is basically a mid-size plant.) My middle name, Laura, after my aunt, takes its meaning from the same bush.

Name History: Laura is a Latin name. In Latin the meaning of the name Laura is: Laurel tree or sweet bay tree (symbols of honour and victory).