Honest Toddler Stories

Last week I wrote about The Honest Toddler. It is so funny I thought it deserved a second post. These are collections of Tweets that seem to tell little stories. I don't have kids, hang out with many kids, or even remember very well what it was like to be a kid. But I know that these are funny because they are true:

----- from @HonestToddler Twitter 

Scones

Just tried scones for the first time. I don't get it. Generous triangles of terrible cake. 

Scones look like a legitimate pastry but once you taste them you know they just slipped through the cracks in the system. 

Why would you eat scones when doughnuts are a thing. You're just trying to feel rich. Adults, stop. 

You think flour says "I want to be a scone when I grow up?" No. They dream of greatness. Churros. Frozen waffles. Oreo cookies. 

Pouring out some red juice for all the flour that died only to be made into scones. So sad. 

Grownups, if you find out a friend likes scones maybe it's time to say goodbye? I don't know just throwing out ideas. 

A lot of you keep saying that you love scones with jam and cream. I love paper with jam and cream. Real pastries don't need condiments. 

And stop saying "clotted" cream. You're making up words now and you sound ridikilus. 

It's time for you to stop making excuses and start getting help for your scone addiction. 

Do it before the toddler in your life walks out on you. They might need help with the top door latch, but they will leave. 

The Bathroom
 
"May I have some bathroom privacy?" Sure. I mean I thought we were family but nevermind. :( 

"I need more privacy than that." Sitting at your feet instead of your lap isn't enough? Why don't I just catch the next rover to the moon. 

"I need you to leave and shut the door." What if I just shut the door. With me in here. 

"I don't need you in here with me." What if I told you I prepared a song? 

I can tell when I'm not wanted I just try not to let it stop me. 

Apples

Asked for an apple. Was handed a piece of fruit with a soft patch reminiscent of the top of an infant's head. No. 

"Eat around it." This is why you have so few friends. This attitude right here. 

Second apple looks like it just walked out of the ICU. Is it too much to ask for fruit that looks somewhat illustrated? 

Was just handed a whole apple. What am I four? An arctic wolf? I can still feel where my molars came in. Cut up, please. smh. [shaking my head] 

Too angry to eat these apples. I'll just have some crackers.

The Balloon

Thinking about all of the toddlers affected by balloons that flew away while also wishing I could have all of those balloons. 

All those balloons....who do you think you are....going around leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts. I need a minute. 

"Why didn't you let me tie it to your wrist?" So we're going to blame the victims. I can't. I can't with this.

Guess we both made mistakes. I forgot I was holding it. Balloon forgot the meaning of friendship.

New Series - Two's News

I was thinking I wanted to start using Twitter from the perspective of Two, I thought it would be cute to write Tweets in her accent, about her life.  There are a couple of Twitter accounts that do similar things and I usually find them pretty funny, as I previously posted on Always Standing The Honest Toddler is hilarious and The White Squirrel, who Tweets from Trinity Bellwoods Park in Toronto is pretty good.

I wasn't planning to make a new account for Two, just switch over my main one for a little while. Then I thought it would reach a more appropriate audience on Always Standing since I still haven't figured out how to get my Twitter feed to show up nicely alongside the blog and pretty much everyone who reads my blog knows about and/or has a relationship with Two.

So stay tuned for some little updates from my crazy cat.

After The Awards

I was very pleased when Jennifer Lawrence got best actress for Silver Linings Playbook, which I saw in the theatre and really enjoyed. However, I was a little disappointed in her speech since she normally says something casual, funny, and pretty interesting. Her speech was fine, but not particularly memorable, though she did fall on her way up to get her Oscar and then when she noted that the audience had given her a standing ovation she told them, "Oh, that is only because I just fell on the stairs, which is embarrassing." I love how genuine she is. Well, she doesn't disappoint after all, check out the following two videos from backstage after the awards:

The Cattle-Call Style Interview:

One On One Interview Interrupted By Jack Nicholson:  

 I love her!

The Envelope Please

For those who didn't watch the Academy Awards last night, here are the main winners (I did okay with my picks):

Best Picture: Argo
Actress: Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln (got it right)
Actor: Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook (got it right)
Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables (got it right)
Supporting Actor: Christopher Waltz, Django Unchained
Director: Ang Lee, Life Of Pi

Overall I got 10 right out of 24 categories, which is pretty bad! 

Oscar Night

I was supposed to go to Teri's to watch the Oscars tonight but I have been dealing with a horrible cold all weekend so am staying home instead. I don't even know if I will be able to stay up until the end, but here are by three main picks.

Best Picture: Silver Linings Playbook
Actress: Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Actor: Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables
Supporting Actor: No idea
Director: David O. Russel, Silver Linings Playbook

I did really well and have seen almost all of the movies this year, though not Lincoln yet.

The Best Vagas Hotel

I ran across some sad news - Bill's Gamblin' Hall & Saloon has closed! This is the hotel that Teri and I stayed in when we visited Las Vagas in the summer of 2011. The name isn't even the best part; I could go on and on about how great this place was. I actually thought I had mentioned it or even done a full post on it before but it looks like I never got around to it.Teri and I (and M & M) loved it for so many reasons; small hotel with only 4 floors, flat screen TV, view of fountains, access to The Flamingo's awesome pool, late night steak dinner deal, great location in the middle of the strip, spacious room, very very cheap, and it was decorated a bit like how you would imagine a 'classic' Las Vegas hotel would look. After the trip, Teri and I frequently recommended this hotel to others heading to Sin City.

The website says that it is now closed to undergo renovations for an all new boutique lifestyle hotel and casino. The renovated hotel & casino is planned to reopen in 2014, under a new name, and will include the addition of a rooftop pool as well as a dayclub/nightclub managed by Drai Management Group. The conversion also includes the complete remodeling of the guest rooms, casino floor and common areas, the addition of a new second floor restaurant, and construction of the 65,000 square foot rooftop pool and dayclub/nightclub. These are none of the features that I previously listed as part of why Bill's was so great. I also think that there isn't really a good replacement cheap, small, centrally located, hotel that I would consider even close to as good a value.

3am

The Return:

From the Bathroom

Every night I'm shuffling

Dancing in the song

Geriatric in life

Slow, quiet, shuffle

No drag, not a shuffle

Drag is loud

Slower

Splinters

Not shuffling

Plodding? Is this what books call plodding?

Little steps

Tiny steps

Mere inches up

A few inches forward

Slow, quiet, baby steps

Avoid the stub

Avoid the step on

The run into

Don't trip

Don't fall

Still stumble

Left by me

Left by the cat

Left by the night

Walls move in the dark

New angles

Too much furniture in a small Toronto apartment

------ Christine Sweeton, 2013

The Honest Toddler

I don't know much about The Honest Toddler, except that the Twitter Feed is hilarious! I don't know who writes it or from where or even for how long, but if you have Twitter you should follow @HonestToddler and if not I have included some of my favorite posts below:

-----------------from Twitter 

Alarm clocks. Adults do you mean to tell me that without a machine you would not wake up in the morning? Your body is in shambles.

"All you need is love." See? Nothing about pants. 

Daddy hurt my feelings. His exact words were "Eat your breakfast." Can't stop crying. 

Toddler Tip: Your mouth is like a pocket for your face. Put things in there. Anything. 

"If you behave I'll give you a treat at the end." Gonna need half up front and I promise nothing. 

Quiche for lunch. It's basically a pie that couldn't stick to the script. Crying. 

 "This isn't a restaurant." Believe me I'm aware- you would have been out of business years ago.

BLUE AND YELLOW MAKE GREEN. Why I didn't I see this before? All the signs were there. 

Trying to figure out who my friends are: How many of you knew about waffle cones but failed to say anything? 

So what is Target like the promised land for adults or something. Been here for eleventy hours. 

We're leaving now and I didn't get a snack. Thanks for being so selfish. :( PS. I'm crying. 

Infant at the park thinks she's cool for mastering object permanence. #basic 

Fell down and was just denied a Band Aid because "there's no blood." EMOTIONAL SCARS DON'T BLEED 

Hug and kiss? I don't want your homeopathic remedies. I need treatment.

The reason adults eat things like spaghetti squash is because they're old and their taste buds have been dead for some time.

"You don't have to take a nap, just lie down." Yeah right everyone knows lying down is a gateway drug to sleeping. #UPRIGHT 

 "How do we ask for things?" The red tape in this place is ridiculous.

Don't say you love someone then six hours later make quinoa. 

If sweet potato fries were a person, they'd be arrested for impersonating a celebrity. 

I could say "I'm done eating" but pushing my plate to the floor is how I live my truth.

"What are you doing in my purse?" What are you doing sneaking up on people? 

Would love to help pick up the family room but what with all these labor laws...wouldn't want to get anyone in trouble. 

Pooed in the bath. From the way she's looking at me you'd think I robbed a church. 

Just so you know when you come in to give goodnight kisses smelling like Cheetos it's like a slap in the face. 

Asked for a second bedtime story. You would have thought I requested launch codes. Nevermind. 


I know Lochlan is only 6 months or so, but I bet his is already starting to think some of these things. Taylor can probably confirm.

Helpful Animals

It is Wednesday and even if it is a short week you may still be finding it tough to get through the day, don't worry, help is on the way!

Kristen always knows how to cheer me up and sends the best links!
Here is her latest:
15 Animals Who Will Help You Get Through Your Day
I love all the cat ones, of course.

Day Three

Yesterday, Monday February 18, 2013 (Family Day)

The Plan: I didn't even know! I fell asleep before everyone else on Sunday night and didn't know what the plan was for the following morning.

Reality: Slept until 10:30am and then packed up the cars. Checked out for 11:00am. Went downtown Collingwood and had a leisurely brunch with Jason, Teri, Greg, Mon, Matt, and the others. Skating and/or Cross Country Skiing didn't happen. Started to drive back to Toronto around noon.

It was a great weekend up north! Excited to do it again next year, and for our plans to all go to The Book of Mormon together this spring.

Day Two

Yesterday, Sunday February 17, 2013 

The Plan: Wake up early at the hotel and head straight to the hill. Get Jason's rentals set up before the slopes even open at 9:00am.

Reality: Slept until 9:30am and then had a coffee-shop breakfast with Teri, Greg, Mon, Matt, and the others. Went back again to the hotel to prepare and pack for the hill. Got Jason's rentals and did some practice on a tiny hill, was doing longer runs with Jason by 11:30am, met up with the others around 1:00pm.

Day One

Yesterday, Saturday February 16, 2013

The Plan: Wake up early at my apartment  pack clothes and snowboard  Go quickly to Jason's apartment  pack his clothes and our cross country skis. Head up to Collingwood at a reasonable time. Grab lunch. Spend the afternoon cross country skiing and meet up with friends at the hotel just before dinner.

Reality: I slept until 1:30pm and watched this week's episodes of The Daily Show until 3:00pm.

Big Step

Jason and I are going on a ski trip this weekend with Teri, Greg, Mon, Matt, and a couple of other people. I asked him if we should share a suitcase, to conserve space in the car, hotel room, etc. He agreed. (Mind you I think I have shared a suitcase with Teri before on one trip or another, and Jerrica and I did for NYC, and I have all the time with my family.) Still though - relationship milestone!

My Valentine

Jason is amazing and we had a wonderful Valentine's Day yesterday, which actually continued into today with him bringing me breakfast in bed and driving me to the bus stop.

A little while ago, during a visit to Ottawa, Steph did a photo shoot with us out in the woods. I know that I was complaining about these types of photos less than a month ago. However, I justify these as different because we are not engaged and were not doing for any reason beyond helping Steph build her portfolio and get some nice pictures of each other. Also, we went cross country skiing together in the nature area where the shoot was, so the location was not random. Still, they are totally the photos that generally annoy me. But we look so good in them!

This is my favourite:

Love Is A Rainbow In A Sunbeam

By Stephanie Koning, of Stephanie Beach Photography 

Copyright © 2012

You can see the entire set here:

Stephanie Beach Photography - Blog

10 Things Your Dog Would Tell You

--------------- from Facebook (a little sweet, a little sad, all true)

10 Things Your Dog Would Tell You

1. My life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. Any separation from you will be painful: remember that before you get me.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me- it is crucial to my well being.
4. Do not be angry at me for long, and do not lock me up as punishment.
5. You have your work, your entertainment,and your friends. I only have you.
6. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don't understands your words, I understand your voice when it is speaking to me.
7. Be aware that how ever you treat me, I will never forget.
8. Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that could easily hurt you, but I choose not to bite you because I love you.
9. Before you scold me for being uncooperative,obstinate,or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I might not be getting the right food, or I have been out too long, or my heart is getting to old and weak.
10. Take care of me when I get old; you too will grow old. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say: "I cannot bear to watch" or "Let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier for me if you are there, even my death. Remember that I love you.

Fattening Food In February

I know that to stay healthy and on the good side of my depression I need to take my medication, sleep well at night, eat healthy, work out, and keep my life structured. It is hard to be motivated for all of that, even more so in the winter, especially with working more. I haven't been very healthy with my eating since Christmas.

Luckily, I have gotten so much better with my eating over the past few years that today at lunch when I wasn't feeling up for getting something that I 'should' I still ate pretty reasonably. This means I got a 6" sub, a cookie, and diet coke at Subway instead of my usual roast beef salad with 0-fat dressing and a chocolate milk.

I haven't had the bread at Subway in so long, because not only does it go straight to my hips but it goes there and has little bread babies that then go straight to my thighs. Still, the bread was delicious and even though they have changed the style of the steak meat a little, the sub was amazing.

Bell Let’s Talk 2013

It is back again, Bell Let's Talk is today.

If you are a Bell customer (which I am):
For every text message sent or long distance call made Bell will donate 5¢ more to help fund mental health initiatives across Canada.

With social media, anyone can help out:
For every Tweet using #BellLetsTalk4 and every Facebook share of the Bell Let's Talk image Bell will donate 5¢.

This Is A Post

This is a post.

This is a post; for you to read.

This is a post; posted as Monday for you to read.

This is a post; written on Tuesday but posted as Monday for you to read.

This is a post; though it is kinda cheating because it was written on Tuesday but posted as Monday for you to read.

This is a post; that is a bit like a poem though it is kinda cheating because it was written on Tuesday but posted as Monday for you to read.

This is a post; in the style of The House That Jack Built, that is a bit like a poem though it is kinda cheating because it was written on Tuesday but posted as Monday for you to read.

This is a post; that might be a bit annoying because it is in the style of The House That Jack Built, that is a bit like a poem though it is kinda cheating because it was written on Tuesday but posted as Monday for you to read.

But it totally counts!

Culture Doesn't Die - It Changes

SMBC (Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal) by Zach Weiner 

---- thanks to Erin AH

JennD Gets A Call#

I want to send a huge congratulations to JennD, firstly I never officially congratulated her on completing her MA in Film Studies at Carleton, secondly her thesis is now bound and offered at the library. It is so exciting to see A Changing Cinema: Re-Conceptualizing Indexicality and Digital Technologies by Jennifer Elizabeth Dobbs in the Carleton Library Catalogue, she has a Call# and everything. Don't ask me to explain it to you I don't even really understand what it is about! If I thought that English Literature at the Post-Graduate level talks to itself in an obscure dialect, well Film Studies is way worse.

Ranting In (Not About) The Comments

I know that just a while ago I was ranting about readers of Always Standing not leaving comments on my posts. However, this post isn't a rant about comments but instead directing you to read my rant that I have placed IN the comments. A few days ago ERin approached me about writing something for the blog and I posted it yesterday - a post about Climate Change. I let the topic sit with me for a day or so and then this afternoon drafted my personal response to the issue. (Which, you will note, is different than my mother's, who was the first person to weigh in.) I typed out my triad into a Word document, it was about 1,000 words long actually. Well, it turns out that you are only allowed to post 4,096 characters per comment so I had to split my rant into three parts, thankfully they posted in the proper order. Please go and read it there, I count it more as my post for today than this small one explaining it.

Guest Writer - Climate Change - ERin

 From ERin

“Why is your generation so passive when it comes to climate change?”

Recently, this question was posed to me while I was in lecture. The person who posed the question, Jim MacNeil is a well know Canadian consultant, environmentalist and international public servant. MacNeil was a lead author on “Our Common Future”, a well known report that came out in 1987 from the World Commission on Environment and Development (or the Brundtland Commission). The report defines the term “sustainable development” and discusses how we as a society can develop sustainably as opposed to the unsustainable development practices of late.

During the lecture, he argued that our generation (20 something’s) did not seem to be interested in enacting change. He referred to the loss of sea ice in the Arctic in 1997 which was recorded as the record low. This question really affected me. Were we, as a generation apathetic towards climate change and the environment?

Some of the reasons that people in the class suggested for our passiveness included:
--- Today is not the same as the 1960’s- the 60’ was filled with different social movements, feminism, and environmental movement spurned on by Rachel Carson’s “Silent Spring”
--- The world is far more connected today due to the Internet- there is a dilution of information; there are so many different causes that people can only care about so many!
--- People are more interested in the economy and bettering themselves through economic development
--- NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard) For the most part, climate change does not seem to affect us directly
--- Climate change is far too abstract...it seems like it is too large of a concept and we as a generation are too few to be able to enact and change

I agree with some of the points raised by my colleagues, but do you think we are indifferent towards climate change? I look forward to your opinions!

And I Love Sloths!

I have plans this evening to go and see Silver Linings Playbook with Kristen. It stars Bradley Cooper, who is very attractive. Interestingly, I found a strange article the other day comparing pictures of him to that of sloths. I don't know if you just put any face next to these pictures you could find similarities or if he does really look like my favorite animal.

Bradley Cooper Looks Exactly Like A Sloth

A Toast

To nearest
To dearest
To the ones who've been there
To the ones who'll be there
To dropping everything
To saying anything
To no judgments
To no doubts
To loyalty
To favours
To lifelongs
To been too long
To nothing's changed
To having history
To going way back
To settling down
To your second family
To friends


---- from a Grey Goose vodka advertisement in Toronto Life (a special thanks to my dad for pointing this out to me.)

All Grown Up

A little while ago, I featured a photo-story about Erin AH's cat, Tod. She had sent me the pictures of him as a kitten because I was looking for something cute to put on Always Standing and was too lazy to find and photograph Two. However, I have know Tod for about as long as I have known Erin AH, and while he has always acted like a kitten, I didn't know him when  he was that small. This is more what he looks like meow:

Tod 'The Black Peril' Armstrong

By Erin AH

Sir-Reads-A-Lot

"I like big books and I cannot lie."

"You other brothas can't deny..."

I Feel This Sometimes

I came across this article as I was wondering around the internet. So you’re feeling too fat to be photographed...  As I have mentioned many times before, I love having my picture taken (especially by Steph from Stephanie Beach Photography). Even when I am a few (or more) pounds overweight I usually still enjoy it and see the value, just as the article explains. Sometime though, I just can't seem to find the right angle, I hate every picture I see, and my insecurities pile up. Let us all keep fighting those feelings.

Not Fair

Come on guys! I followed through with my goal, now where are my comments? I did a blog post every day in January, but the number of comments didn't really increase at all. I tried to vary what I posted about too: some things shared from the internet, updates about my life, photos, and creative writing. I couldn't even figure out a trend of types of posts that would lead to more comments. I plan to keep my resolution going and continue to post everyday - even though it is a challenge. February is usually a pretty bad month for me depression wise, so I need to also have the goals of eating well and working out - I will keep you posted as to how I plan to do that.