Alone Together

------- from The Internet, about The Internet

" When we place ourselves out there on the Internet, on social media and in comments sections and maybe even in overwritten reviews of TV comedies, we’re not really placing “ourselves” out there. We’re placing the version of ourselves that we want the world to see, the version that’s cooler or smarter or funnier than the real human being making those posts. We are, in some sense, reducing ourselves to fictional characters, less susceptible to pain or anger, at least until people needle at us, and we act as if that needling is directly attacking our core selves, instead of just some projection we’ve made to get more popular online. And that can turn destructive! The version of myself who writes these reviews is very different from the version who posts on Twitter, and both of those guys are nothing like the real me, who has insecurities and doubts and fears that the Internet doesn’t want to hear about. Yet the wish to be liked (or “liked”) is all-pervasive. I would gladly wear a party hat if you guys would give me some upvotes.

Or, put another way, think of these comments, and how so many of you used to freak out at the notion of downvoting (before Disqus took away the ability to see how many people had downvoted you—which I think was the right call). Or think of maybe when you make a post on Twitter, and nobody interacts with it, or when you say something on Tumblr, and nobody reblogs it, or, heaven forfend, when you post a cat picture on Facebook, and nobody cares. None of us wants to feel like we are all alone in the universe, calling out to nobody in particular. And the Internet has made it that much easier to find communities of people we feel like we belong with. But it’s also made it that much easier to hide the pieces of ourselves we don’t really like from those people, when even the act of sharing your deepest, darkest secrets can be a kind of performance art. There are both good and bad sides to this, but when somebody breaks the compact—when they don’t notice you or downvote you without saying why or just generally behave like assholes—it makes it that much harder to react without going Vesuvius all over the place. "

---- Emily Todd VanDerWerff

This has been said so many times, in so many ways, but when I ran across these two paragraphs recently they resonated. They were actually written as part of an AV Club review for an episode of the show Community. (Highly recommended for anyone who hasn't watched it. Also great as a re-watch which Jason and I are doing at the moment.) This context is probably why some of the sentences above don't make sense. The episode being reviewed was called “App Development And Condiments” which has a phone app called MeowMeowBeenz where people at the community college campus that the show is based rate each other in real time out of five.Obviously things spiral way out of control. It reminded me of a Blackmirror episode, which actually aired later, that was, like all Blackmirror episodes, super upsetting/disturbing.

Neither Of Us Can Remember

At dinner last night, Jason and I were trying to remember the different restaurants that we had been to on Valentine's Days of years past. We knew we had visited Maple Leaf Tavern before, but I knew it hadn't been last year - we went again this year. Last year, 2019, I was in the middle of renovating the cafe and getting it ready to open in March. We actually ran a Valentine's Day event out in front of the shop to create a bit of buzz. So, our previous trip to the Tavern must have been in 2018, but I am not even sure about that. Especially because on Always Standing, I didn't mention the dinner. I just posted a photo from our wedding reception. And I should have mentioned that dinner because it was where I tried Wagyu beef for the first time - so good.

It is hard to keep the dinners straight because we also tend to go to nice/fancy restaurants on our anniversary so places and years get even more muddled. I don't seem to post about our dining experiences very much. In fact, one of the more memorable times was our very first Valentine's Day when Jason took me to La Maquette (previously a fine dining restaurant, now an event venue) and I chose the occasion to tell him that I wanted to postpone moving in together until the Fall of that year (2013). My blog post the following day talk how wonderful our day had been, with no mention of the difficult discussion or dinner location. 

I have done some fun blog post to mark the occasion:
- A poem from Facebook in 2014
- Photo collage the next year, 2015
- A quiz in 2017 with Jason and my answers the following days

It wasn't until I was looking back at various years in Always Standing to write this post that I remembered it was on Valentine's Day 2016 that we made our wedding rings! For lunch we went to a cafe near the jewelry studio on Queen West but I can't remember what we did for dinner. So many wonderful meals lost in our minds. I wonder if it makes sense to better document them somehow?

Love Is Strong, Memories Are Fading

So happy to wake up this morning, and all mornings, beside Jason. He is truly one of the greatest things in my life and sharing time (and a house) with him is so much fun! I love him in ways that I don't even have words to describe.

We are off to enjoy a fancy Valentine's dinner together this evening. And, as he reminds me, it will be our seventh Valentine's Day as a couple. I am terrible at remembering dates or keeping track of time, every time I get this type of information (usually from Jason) I am shocked at how long we have been together. The year 2010 is burned into my brain as the year that I moved to Toronto, and it feels like I lived here for a long time before meeting Jason, but it was only a couple of years later - in the summer of 2012. This means we have been together for almost eight years!

And in September of this year it will be our fourth wedding anniversary! I really need to remember these things. Here are some key relationship dates...

July 12, 2012 - Met Jason for the first time, at a Starbucks. I have this date noted in my planner each year and I try to remember and acknowledge it.

August 9, 2012 - He kissed me for the first time, on a streetcar. While we were dating we used this as our anniversary.

October, 2013 - We moved in together (Rrunuv Bayit.)

May 8-10, 2015 - We got engaged. Yes, it took a full weekend.

May, 2016 - We moved into our house (Casa Verde.) Though we bought it on Christmas Eve in 2015, and then we signed our mortgage papers on February 25 and the closing date was March 1, 2016. The move in was delayed to allow for a couple of months of renovations.

September 24, 2016 - We got married. This also took a full weekend, but for anniversary purposes we count the Saturday date as the main one. I have this marked in my planner too, so that I remember each year. Though I purposely planned for it to be on the 24th to help me remember (liked my birthday.)

Oh, and Jason's birthday is November 29, this is in my planner too since I get it confused all the time. (My brother was born the day after and my dad died two days before. The end of November is a busy time for trying to remember things and keeping dates straight.)

Great Love Song

Watch the clip above, or go check it out on YouTube. If you don't have sound then at least read the lyrics. Afterwards, see my thoughts in the comments section of this post.

Sleepovers - Child Vs Adult

I just got back from a quick four-day trip to Calgary. Jason used his Aeroplan points to get me flights out west for my birthday, so I could spend some time with ERin and Anne. (It was going to be during Stampede but got postponed to August.) I thought I would discuss the weekend as a comparison to sleepovers, specifically birthday party ones, I had as a child:

Length of Time
Not just a single night! Since I am in Toronto, Anne in Calgary, and ERin in Edmonton, if we are going to spend time together it only makes sense for it to be a few days. I flew out on Wednesday evening and back Sunday night.

Location
Instead of gathering in the living room or basement of our parent's house, we stayed at Anne's trendy apartment in the Kensington area of Calgary.

Sleeping Arrangements
We don't need to all be in the same room, and our bodies are too old to sleep on the floor. I got the fold-out couch with some awesome memory foam.

TV
Morning cartoons, fun movies, or late night television? Nope! An episode of Chef's Table in the afternoon.

Snacks
No chips, candy, or popcorn, instead we helped ERin by taste testing some new chocolate flavours.

Meals
We traded in the pizza and hot dogs for Anne's fabulous cooking. She made us orzo salad, fennel and zucchini soup, fish tacos with homemade mango salsa, and more.

Dessert
I used to love decorating cupcakes. But this weekend we helped ERin make two different fancy cakes (I was minimally helpful.) We started with the very complicated Pacific Cake that took much of Thursday, and then quickly whipped up a modern version of an Opera Cake on Saturday.

Restaurants
Our choices for a Friday night out on the town were not kid friendly at all. First stop, for appetizers and margaritas, was Anejo, where they make the guacamole and salsa right at your table. For dinner we went to Klein Harris, where I had beet salad and hanger steak. We also made a few breakfast/brunch stops at a pie place in Anne's building - I kept getting the quiche, so good!

Daily Essential
It used to be such a regular thing to visit the corner store, usually for ice cream or candy, during a sleepover, but now that we are older - it is coffee! Made at home or quick visits to a cafe.

Amusement
Hard to remember all the things that I did as a child at birthday parties; swimming, movies, games. In Calgary we went on a road trip to the mountains, visits to ice cream shops and the grocery store, dinners out, dinners in, a cat cafe, and lots of walking around the city.

Conversation
Did we talk about boys? Yes. But also our families, friendships, pets, careers, travel, health, education, and more.

Friendship
I think it gets even better as we get older. It was a wonderful weekend, I love those two so much.

Five Years And I Still Don't Like Coffee

Five years ago today I met Jason for the first time. We had been matched through eHarmony and quickly arranged to meet up for coffee, except I don't like coffee so I definitely had something else. I have different ways of explaining the matching process, or that first meeting, or our early days of dating. The bare fact is that we met up at the Starbucks at the corner of Bathurst and St. Clair (close to Rrunuv Bayit.) I was later told by Jason that the date was July 12. Seeing that later on we had agreed to use August 9 as the day we started a relationship, I was neither aware of or cared about remembering the specific day we met. However, each year Jason remembers this day and usually celebrates by bringing me Starbucks - but not coffee, I don't like coffee.

I can't believe that five years has gone by already. I love what we have done with this time together, I love where we are now as a couple, I love everything about him. Jason, I love you.

You Can Cook Those?

Jason took me out for dinner tonight before he goes away for a week to San Francisco. It was a really nice evening and a great escape from work, which is all consuming at the moment.

We went to Woodlot on a side street in Little Italy. (And it turned out that area was having a street festival so walked around for a bit afterwards.)

One of the most interesting aspects of the night was that we ordered roasted radishes, I don't think I have ever had a cooked radish! It is totally different from the sharp taste when they are raw, both Jason and I really liked​ them. So strange to experience new food that is something so normal and simple.

How have I never had a cooked radish before? I am 33.

The Lost Summer

I ran across a video on Facebook called 25 Years of Summer Songs and all of them brought brief flashes of life back to me, except one. It was so strange to recognize each one, remember the song, reflect on my time during that year and then be confronted by a blank. It was jarring but I assumed it was probably an American list and that song wasn't popular here.

Then I thought about the year - 2004. I don't know if I would say it was the worst summer that I have had but it was a rough one: staying in Ottawa after my first year at Carleton in Engineering, to take summer courses. Working at a minimum wage job across the city that took over an hour and half on transit to get to. Dealing with a long distance serious relationship. Not many friends around because so many people return to their hometowns during that first university summer. However, that minimum wage job was at Extreme Pita, so that is full-time radio listening and I am surprised that the song didn't stick in my mind from that.

The song, Burn by Usher, seems to be pretty universally agreed to be the main song for the summer of 2004. While I recognize other songs from that same album, that one just isn't in my memory. I don't totally agree with all the picks each year, in 2001 I can remember Drops of Jupiter being a major summer song, but that might have just been personal experience. I might not be big on music but songs are still often a serious memory link.

Quiz - Jason's Answers

From Tuesday's Valentine's Day Quiz, here are Jason's answers (as he relayed them to me verbally.)

- Who's older? Me.
- Who was interested first? You contacted me
- Married? Yes
- Together? Yes
- More sarcastic? Me
- Who makes the most mess? You
- Who has more tattoos? You
- Better singer? Me
- Hogs the remote? I don't know
- Better driver? Me
- Smarter? I don't know, what does smart mean?
- Most common sense? Probably you
- Whose siblings do you see the most? Mine
- Do you have any children together? No
- Did you go to the same school? No
- Who is the most sensitive? Me
- Where do you eat out most as a couple? Harvey's
- Where is the furthest you two have traveled together? Peru
- Who has the worst temper? Yooouuu..I mean...no one really
- Who does the cooking? We both do
- Who is more social? You
- Who is the neat freak? We are neat freaks in different and incomptable ways
- Who is the most stubborn? Me
- Who hogs the bed? You thinks it's me
- Who wakes up earlier? Me
- Where was your first date? Starbucks
- Who has the bigger family? I do, because of my neice and nephews, but you have a larger, in touch, extended family
- Do you get flowers often? No
- Who does the laundry? I do
- Who drives when you are together? I do
- Who picks where you go to dinner? Both of us
- Who wears the pants in the relationship? We are both currently wearing pants

Quiz - My Answers

From yesterday's Valentine's Day Quiz, here are my answers (about Jason)

- Who's older? Jason, for this half of the year
- Who was interested first? Neither, eHarmony
- Married? For four months
- Together? For over four years
- More sarcastic? Jason (he is basically Kristen)
- Who makes the most mess? Me, but I am also the one that cleans the bathroom
- Who has more tattoos? Me
- Better singer? Him, by far. However, I sing way more often
- Hogs the remote? The Xbox uses voice commands
- Better driver? Him
- Smarter? Toss up
- Most common sense? Me
- Whose siblings do you see the most? His. Mike's in Edmonton
- Do you have any children together? No, and it is a long way off.
- Did you go to the same school? No
- Who is the most sensitive? Me
- Where do you eat out most as a couple? Harvey's
- Where is the furthest you two have traveled together? Paris
- Who has the worst temper? Neither
- Who does the cooking? Jason lately, but we try to share the task
- Who is more social? ME!
- Who is the neat freak? Jason but he isn't unreasonable
- Who is the most stubborn? JASON!
- Who hogs the bed? Jason
- Who wakes up earlier? My alarm goes off first
- Where was your first date? Starbucks
- Who has the bigger family? Me
- Do you get flowers often? Not really
- Who does the laundry? Jason
- Who drives when you are together? Jason, but only because he hates my driving
- Who picks where you go to dinner? Usually me
- Who wears the pants in the relationship? Pants? Isn't everything better naked?

Valentine's Day Quiz - Questions

I noticed a fun Facebook status from Jeska today. It said in honor of Valentine's Day, all couples should answer the following questions and make it their status.

Couples: Since this is a blog and not Facebook, cut and past the list into the comments! You can either fill it out from your perspective or call your partner over and ask them to answer.

- Who's older?
- Who was interested first?
- Married?
- Together?
- More sarcastic?
- Who makes the most mess?
- Who has more tattoos?
- Better singer?
- Hogs the remote?
- Better driver?
- Smarter?
- Most common sense?
- Whose siblings do you see the most?
- Do you have any children together?
- Did you go to the same school?
- Who is the most sensitive?
- Where do you eat out most as a couple?
- Where is the furthest you two have traveled together?
- Who has the worst temper?
- Who does the cooking?
- Who is more social?
- Who is the neat freak?
- Who is the most stubborn?
- Who hogs the bed?
- Who wakes up earlier?
- Where was your first date?
- Who has the bigger family?
- Do you get flowers often?
- Who does the laundry?
- Who drives when you are together?
- Who picks where you go to dinner?
- Who wears the pants in the relationship?

I also want to say that I was so happy to read their lists and learn more Jeska and her beau. I met him on our Wonderland trip this year and thought he was perfect for her! Joe is amazing and I am so excited for them.

I look forward to seeing your responses in the comments, and stay tuned to Always Standing for mine and Jason's over the next couple of days.

Steph On Dave

Steph has been participating in the Rising Tide Society's InstaTideChallenge this week. It has been nice to get a little glimpse into her daily life as a professional photographer through her Instagram feed, which normally features her work and nothing about her as the worker.

Today she posted the following photo of Dave, with a beautiful passage she wrote about his role in their two-person team, how he supports her, and the awesome love and life that they share. Having known Dave for almost as long as I have known with Steph, I am also good friends with him. This is such a beautiful tribute to the incredible person that he is. He is the only partner who could be close to good enough to my Steph and their love is one for the ages.

Check out the image and her comment below from Instagram:

Words and photo below:

Copyright 2016 - Stephanie Beach Photography

Today is the final day of the risingtidesociety InstaTideChallenge where we celebrate another creative who inspires us. Ottawa is absolutely filled with amazing talents who inspire me on a regular basis, but I felt I should give credit to the other half our my husband-and-wife team, the tall guy with the bow-tie as I often describe him on wedding days – my husband and second shooter Dave.

He is always looking for new, super creative ways to capture our couples and their moments, never too tired to get one more shot and never complains when I want to stay longer on wedding days to ensure we get everything covered. He’s forever in my corner rooting me on and supporting me as I follow this amazing dream of mine. And although photography was something he initially picked up through me, he has definitely created his own voice through it and has a unique style all his own. I often find myself culling through our images and thinking how lovely the shots are and pleasantly surprised by the new angles and compositions he worked with.

This is a behind the scenes shot I grabbed during one of our favourite weddings that I think sums up Dave’s style pretty nicely – adventurous and creative. He is willing to do just about anything to get the shot he has in mind, including scaling walls.

Above all else, he is an absolute delight to work with, not only because he is my husband and I love him to pieces, but he is so sweet and thoughtful with our clients and their friends and families. I simply couldn’t ask for a better partner in this journey and his creativity truly inspires me every day.

A Weekend Challenge

This past weekend I challenged some friends to go through this list of questions with their spouses. (Some are with their life partners, while others are newer couples, some were married, some engaged, etc.) I agree that the following questions aren't fun to go through, some are intimate and some might be awkward, but they are designed to spark honest discussions.

For the most part Jason and I had been over this content before - in some fashion or another, at some time or another. But it is always good to take serious stock of your relationships - have serious conversations, just to do so, just to see if things have changed, if anything surprises you, if you truly are on the same page.

I don't think that any of my friends actually did end up sitting down with their spouses and going over them, but I figured I shouldn't issue the challenge and not follow through myself. So Friday night I texted Jason the link to the article, said, "Let's head to bed a bit early and go through these together" and made my way upstairs. I didn't present it as a fun game - cause it really isn't. And I didn't ask him if he wanted to - because I didn't want to hear he wasn't interested. I didn't want to argue over doing it or not, whether there was worth in doing it. So we did it.

The Questions

The questions and article were from the New York Times and you can see them and the reasoning behind asking each one ONLINE.

To get a sense of what the conversation was, this is the list of questions:

1. Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose? 
 2. Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers? 
 3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us? 
 4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all? 
 5. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out? 
 6. What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes? 
 7. Can you deal with my doing things without you? 
 8. Do we like each other’s parents? 
 9. How important is sex to you? 
 10. How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.? 
 11. Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”? 
 12. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves? 
 13. How do you see us 10 years from now?

Since I had sent the link to Jason's phone I thought having him read the questions would be best, it also would mean that he could control the speed of the conversation, quickly jumping to the next question or stay on a topic if there was more to talk about. He asked the question, I answered, he answered, then sometimes we would want to know more or needed clarification and he would read the little background bit included in the article.

Our Outcome

Jason and I are intensely open about, and on top of, our money/finances. So I figured the questions related to that would be easiest, however 6 ended up being a short but interesting conversation. Firstly, neither of us had any idea how much a couch costs because we haven't ever bought one. Jason compared it to buying the king-bed and mattress, but even then I was struggling with the high cost of these items more than him. There are definitely certain things that I am not happy spending money on. I barely bat an eye at dropping multiple thousands to travel but the thought of spending a grand for a couch makes me exceedingly uncomfortable - couldn't we get something nice for less than that?

Both Jason and I had the same price point for shoes with a max of $250, however I consider the need to spend that much only in the case of a highly specialized product, like boots for trekking in the Arctic. In general, I can't image go near that cost for the types of shoes I usually need - where that price seemed normal to Jason for anything from winter boots to hiking, biking, or running shoes. Lastly the question led us into a discussion about buying a new car, which we are considering doing next year. We will need to revisit the cost breakdown for that again but it is a major purchase that we need to work out together.

I have noticed from doing this post that we actually didn't end up talking about the last two questions! We stopped on 11 because it was a cool way of looking at relationships that I hadn't really heard of before. It got us talking and we forgot about the rest of the quiz. I really want to get the book by Gary Chapman that is the reference for this question. We both agree that we show each other love through affirmation and physical touch. On top of that, Jason he feels like I demonstrate love through giving him gifts and in contrast I think his acts of service are one of his primary languages. I think this is a really interesting way to look at love and relationships, I want to know more.

Our Vows, Part 2

Quite a few people read both sets of vows before our wedding, so I knew Jason's were going to be good (since everyone kept saying they were.) He did not disappoint, we were both in tears.

These are his:

I love you because you always lose at Rock, Paper, Scissors. 
Because I love you, I will not take it easy on you and just let you win. 
[Author’s note – I better have won!] 

I love you because of your enthusiasm for travel. 
Because I love you, I promise to take and enjoy new adventures across the world with you, and fill our map with pins. 

I love you because you are thoughtful, open, and honest. If it happened, it’s on your blog. 
Because I love you, I promise to bring the same qualities to our marriage. Minus the blog. 

I love you because you meet challenges head on with determination, practicality, and a list. 
Because I love you, I promise to respect you, encourage you, and cheer for you. I will even help make the lists. 

I love you and all that we have accomplished together. Buying and renovating a house would have been terrifying alone. With you it was a joy. 
Because I love you, I promise to be your partner in our life so we can conquer these terrifying life changes together. 

I love you because you are mine. 
Because I love you, I am yours.

Our Vows, Part 1

Jason and I agreed on a format for the wedding vows that we wrote - 6 pairs of statements. Each of the 6 vows would start by stating "I love you because.." with reasons why we love the other person, followed by a promise phrased "Because I love you..."

We wanted to be surprised up at the alter (not that we had an alter at our wedding) so we separately wrote them and didn't show each other. So that our guests could follow along with what we were saying, and so we could have a nice copy of them for prosperity, we did have them published in our program. We both submitted them to Kristen who covered them in all our proof reads and edits of the document.

These were mine:

Jason, I love you because you are fun and playful. 
Because I love you, I will not have an expectation that you must entertain me. 

I love you because you don’t let me get away with everything. 
Because I love you, I will not manipulate or lie to you. 

I love you because you are smart, hard working, and constantly reading. 
Because I love you, I will give you the space and quiet needed to be yourself. 

I love you because you have witnessed my grief and held my hand. 
Because I love you, I will work hard to stay healthy so you won’t experience my depression. 

I love you because you are kind and affectionate. 
Because I love you, I will build a family with you. 

I love you because you make me feel so calm. You are my home. 
Because I love you, I will support you, care for you, and share my life with you, as your partner - always.

It Is Monday And I Am Married

Jason and I had our wedding this weekend. Everything was such a blur, my head is still spinning. I really don't feel ready to go back to work tomorrow and just want to spend some more time hanging out.

It feels amazing to be married and there is a small difference. I think it was something that was missing from our relationship, especially these last few months. Content, whole, calm, happy, complete - would all be used to describe how I am feeling today.

The wedding event itself was a multi-day crazy affair that was bigger and better than I could have even imaged. I will share stories and photos in the coming days.

A New Toilet - No Pictures

I forgot to do Before and After photos of our recent min-reno at Casa Verde. We got a new toilet! What is most impressive is that Jason installed it totally himself, I came in to assist with some listing and bolt holding at a couple points but for an hour Jason just went to work - took out the old one and installed the new one.

I gather it isn't a difficult thing to do - I have read that it is an easy DIY, the guy at Home Depo said we would have no trouble, Jason was very confident he could do it - but I was really tempted to pay a plumber to do it. Especially since we already have a plumber coming in to do some other small things around the house.

It was a total role reversal, normally I am the one saying that we should tackle a project ourselves, borrow the tools, look it up online, figure it out. Jason is the cautious one who is more inclined to hire someone in. This is the dialogue that finally convinced me to have Jason do the install:

Jason: Switching out an old toilet for a new one is really easy.
Me: We could just get the plumber to add it to his quote.
Jason: I can totally do it.
Me: Have you done it before?
Jason: No, but it won't be a problem, I got this.
Me: Are you sure? I really think we should consider finding out how much it would cost to have the plumber do it.
Jason: Don't worry, if Mike can do it, I can do it.
Me: Mike who?
Jason: Your brother.
Me: Oh yeah! Mike did switch the toilets himself at his last place. Oh, for sure! You can totally do it!

Time For Life Insurance

You need to get life insurance! 
I am going to make an assumption here - correct me if I am wrong - you don't have life insurance. Most people don't and if they do it is through their work and they don't know a lot about it. If people do have life insurance, they got it because that have a child, which is good but possibly a bit later than they should have.

Why do I think you need life insurance?
- If you live independently, you need to arrange life insurance to cover funeral costs so friends and family aren't forced to find the money to bury you. Death is expensive, once you are an adult you should make arrangements so that you are paying for those costs - it isn't fair to put the financial burden on the bereaved.
- If you live in a partnership, the above applies but also the consideration of your partner's circumstances. Living choices and lifestyle habits grow out of the combined value of both salaries. The loss of a partner is a loss of that pay cheque, how will the remaining (mourning) partner continue to cover the costs of living the life built together? Life insurance provides the assistance to make the adjustments needed over a longer period of time instead of rushing to find a new place to live, sell a car, etc.
- If you have dependents, the need is obvious. This is the point that I think most people start setting up life insurance and legal wills. The life of your dependents has literally been built with, and sustained by, your salary. They depend on your pay cheque, hence the name dependents. Life insurance provides that money to allow for dependents, and partners, to continue living in the location and lifestyle already established.

Obviously, Jason and I are at the middle point of the above list. It would be easy for me (or him) to say, "I die, you sell the house and move." Without having life insurance that is basically what we would be saying to each other, since our soon-to-be home will have a mortgage that depends on both of us paying and would not be affordable alone. However, we need to find a balance because I also don't like the idea of having a life insurance policy that says, "I die, you get tons of money and then take it easy for the rest of your life." It is much more cut and dry to think about the impact on your children when addressing the financial consequences of your death. I think a lot of people would be less likely to say, "I die, you sell the house and move" to your partner when you have a dependent as well. Yes, the underlying message here is you WILL die, we all will, we just don't know when. Life has a morbid reality.

How do you learn more about life insurance?
Buying a house was hard, organizing renovations was challenging, arranging a mortgage was time consuming, but sorting out life insurance might be the most difficult of all, it is super complicated. My only suggestion is to read about it, ask about it, talk about, and try to figure it out. I looked first to Gail Vaz-Oxlade. Here is where I started my research/understanding:
- How much life insurance do I need?
- Types of life insurance
- Buying life insurance: Do's and Don'ts

Good Luck!

Peru Photo - Mom's Pick

Jason & Chris at Machu Picchu

Peru, January 2016

Photo by Carol Sweeton

Mom really likes this photo that she took of Jason and I, in fact she has included it with her blog post about that day. If it was my picture I would be tempted to crop out the other people, but then you would lose the mountain in the background. I remember at the time my mom saying that it was a nice picture because we were being sweet/romantic/intimate/nice or something with each other, and that was rare to see much less photograph. I forget the exact word she used but I guess it is true that we aren't very outwardly loving with each other in public.

Just Be Helpful

I am not a considerate person, but I try. It is important to me that those around me are happy and I would like to be helpful - helpful at work, helpful with my friends, helpful at home.

The main trap that I tend to fall into is that I treat people as I would like to be treated - to a fault. I literally imagine myself in the other person's shoes and think about what I would be thinking/wanting. I often forget to notice what they are feeling because I just superimpose what I would be feeling onto the situation and act from there. True empathy comes from understanding and reacting to the emotion first, not the circumstance. That is the extra step that is hard for me, to let go of what I would be feeling, wanting, or thinking, and recognize that someone else is having a different reaction.

When I read the article, She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink, by Matt from his blog Must Be This Tall To Ride, I didn't identify with the 'She,' instead I saw my life with Jason and my friends from the writer's perspective. This was not because I would be the one to leave the dish, though I totally would - everyone I know is tidier than me. It is because I still enjoy doing things for my loved ones, and days that I find ways to try to make there lives better are great days. I want to continue to be, "grateful for another opportunity to demonstrate to [the people I care about] that [they] comes first and that I can be counted on to be there for [them]." I agree with the author that without that feeling/attitude a relationship or friendship will become disrespectful.

There was one section that I did identify with the opposite partner in the story, the female half of relationship in article. When describing the challenges between a couple as they talk about how something makes them feel, and that something 'irrational' has a larger emotional effect. This is always a difficult conversation, I would say it happens in all relationships and friendships, how do you make someone understand how you feel, and that those feelings are valid and important, when they would feel so different in the same situation? Truly, our emotions are secrets! This section is powerful (please ignore the gender dichotomy and use of the word 'marriage', I think that this concept works across all types of relationships, partnerships, and friendships):

If he fully understood this secret she has never explained to him in a way that doesn’t make her sound crazy to him (causing him to dismiss it as an inconsequential passing moment of emo-ness), and that this [...] situation and all similar arguments will eventually end his marriage, I believe he WOULD rethink which battles he chose to fight, and would be more apt to take action doing things he understands to make his wife feel loved and safe.

I think a lot of times, wives don’t agree with me. They don’t think it’s possible that their husbands don’t know how their actions make her feel because she has told him, sometimes with tears in her eyes, over and over and over and over again how upset it makes her and how much it hurts.

 And this is important: Telling a man something that doesn’t make sense to him once, or a million times, doesn’t make him “know” something. Right or wrong, he would never feel hurt if the same situation were reversed so he doesn’t think his wife SHOULD hurt. It’s like, he doesn’t think she has the right to (and then use it as a weapon against him) because it feels unfair.

 “I never get upset with you about things you do that I don’t like!” men reason, as if their wives are INTENTIONALLY choosing to feel hurt and miserable.

When you choose to love someone, it becomes your pleasure to do things that enhance their lives and bring you closer together, rather than a chore.