A Distanced Game Day

Last year Teri and her family launched an annual event in honour of her late father. Gord's Game Day is held in September and brings people together to be outside, active, and connected. Her dad was involved in many team sports both playing and organizing them, as well as, a driving force for their extended family to gather and have a good time. The event last year, in 2019, was at a public park in Hamilton, with obstacle courses, giant jenga, soccer and more. Entry fees and fundraising go towards the Brain Aneurism Foundation of Canada.

With the pandemic this year, the event had to go 'virtual' with a request that family groups and small gatherings of friends try to keep the budding tradition going by running their own Game Day in honour of Gord. A bunch of the participants sent in photos and clips from their activities, which have been made into a video. We did our own Game Day at the waterfront in August, organized by K. The video starts off with a clip from that day and me pushing a ball of Jason's spoon during a race (I am the worst!) You can catch glimpses of Teri, her mother and brother, Greg, R.O.M, K, Jason, Mike, LeMonde, Kristen, Noah, Leo, Monica, Andras, Sebi, and the list goes on. It is a fun montage!

Angry With Panic Buying

So, the coronavirus has been causing general worry and panic across the world lately. With good reason, at the moment Canada has a bit less then 150 cases, with one death. Yesterday, the World Health Organization (WHO) characterized the situation as a pandemic stating that, "There are now more than 118,000 cases in 114 countries, and 4,291 people have lost their lives."

However, the response by the general public has been a bit frustrating. People are rushing to stores to stockpile supplies, most commonly water and toilet paper. This was partially magnified by officials urging Canadians to have supplies to stay indoors under self-quarantine for 2-weeks. The issue is that, people often don't know how much they need to get through that time period so overbuy to ensure they are covered.

Buying of water is strange because there is no threat to our water supply, it is safe and will be ongoing. However, a few times the instructions stated that households should have water for 2-weeks as well. I think in this case it is for places that don't have drinking water in their taps (certain buildings or communities sadly have to purchase potable water.) And for those households they should have enough on hand to make sure they don't need to go get more mid-way through a 2-week self-quarantine.

The clearing out of toilet paper has been confusing me. Then I came across an article today (lots actually, but I liked the one from CNBC the best) that explained it is a mental thing, illogical in general but psychologically makes sense.

“Fear is contagious,” says Steven Taylor, a professor of psychiatry at the University of British Columbia and author of the Psychology of Pandemics. “We pick up cues by looking to other people—it’s how stampedes happen in stadiums—so if you’re in a shopping centre and you see some people around you acting in a frightened way and stocking up, that’s going to have a fear contagion effect that causes other people to start over-purchasing.” - Maclean's article

So everyone doing it is leading everyone to do it. And when we are stressed and scared our reasoning skills are weaker. We also shop to sooth, and during a time of uncertainty there is great desire to be in control. In fact, the large packaging and that when it comes to physical size for price it is good value makes people even more drawn to toilet paper purchasing as a way to regain a sense of control.

Fine, no harm done, do what you need to do to feel calmer and better about the current situation... unfortunately, right now, that isn't the case. Panic buying like this can turn into a selfish act as those in need or who are more vulnerable can't access things because others chose to horde them. I don't like the 'looking after number one' mentality when it reaches this point. It must be the socialist in me that thinks we need to work together as a community in this type of situation. Teamwork* will save us, toilet paper won't.

* Even if that teamwork means we collectively try to work more from home, stay indoors and limit attending large gatherings

Love Is Strong, Memories Are Fading

So happy to wake up this morning, and all mornings, beside Jason. He is truly one of the greatest things in my life and sharing time (and a house) with him is so much fun! I love him in ways that I don't even have words to describe.

We are off to enjoy a fancy Valentine's dinner together this evening. And, as he reminds me, it will be our seventh Valentine's Day as a couple. I am terrible at remembering dates or keeping track of time, every time I get this type of information (usually from Jason) I am shocked at how long we have been together. The year 2010 is burned into my brain as the year that I moved to Toronto, and it feels like I lived here for a long time before meeting Jason, but it was only a couple of years later - in the summer of 2012. This means we have been together for almost eight years!

And in September of this year it will be our fourth wedding anniversary! I really need to remember these things. Here are some key relationship dates...

July 12, 2012 - Met Jason for the first time, at a Starbucks. I have this date noted in my planner each year and I try to remember and acknowledge it.

August 9, 2012 - He kissed me for the first time, on a streetcar. While we were dating we used this as our anniversary.

October, 2013 - We moved in together (Rrunuv Bayit.)

May 8-10, 2015 - We got engaged. Yes, it took a full weekend.

May, 2016 - We moved into our house (Casa Verde.) Though we bought it on Christmas Eve in 2015, and then we signed our mortgage papers on February 25 and the closing date was March 1, 2016. The move in was delayed to allow for a couple of months of renovations.

September 24, 2016 - We got married. This also took a full weekend, but for anniversary purposes we count the Saturday date as the main one. I have this marked in my planner too, so that I remember each year. Though I purposely planned for it to be on the 24th to help me remember (liked my birthday.)

Oh, and Jason's birthday is November 29, this is in my planner too since I get it confused all the time. (My brother was born the day after and my dad died two days before. The end of November is a busy time for trying to remember things and keeping dates straight.)

Money Thoughts - The Article

At what point would a person or family cross the threshold into 'rich' and then, what should they do about it? For the last couple of months I have been struggling with the idea of class and wealth, the ever expanding middle-class needs to stop expanding. You can't be 'upper-middle class' forever, people need to acknowledge their wealth and whether that wealth is necessary, or how much of it is.

This crisis of heart came from the perfect storm of promotions for Jason, more inheritance for myself, and the comfort that comes from owning a house in an ever increasing real estate market. These are all things that seem positive (until you consider the heartbreaking realities of death that bring inheritance, and the annoying fact that home ownership is expensive and challenging.) Also with these windfalls came the publication of an article in The New York Times, "What the Rich Won't Tell You" by Rachel Sherman.

This article is haunting me. It isn't long so I suggest clicking the link above and reading the whole thing, but here are some interesting quotes:

...how economic inequality is hidden, justified and maintained in American life. Keeping silent about social class, a norm that goes far beyond the affluent, can make Americans feel that class doesn’t, or shouldn’t, matter. 

... hide the privilege... wealthy people manage their discomfort with inequality, which in turn makes that inequality impossible to talk honestly about — or to change.

... must appear to be worthy of their privilege for that privilege to be seen as legitimate. Being worthy means working hard... also means spending money wisely. 

... never bragged about the price of something because it was high; instead, they enthusiastically recounted snagging bargains ... critiqued other wealthy people’s expenditures, especially ostentatious ones...

... not mentioning money... follow a seemingly neutral social norm that frowns on such talk... one of the ways in which privileged people can obscure both their advantages and their conflicts about these advantages.

... widespread judgments of the individual behaviors of wealthy people as morally meritorious or not... such judgments distract us from any possibility of thinking about redistribution. 

... talk not about the moral worth of individuals but about the moral worth of particular social arrangements. 

What are your thoughts? I will continue to explore these issues on Always Standing, as I have often discussed financial issues and ideas over the years.

Looking for something a bit lighter, or disturbingly amusing? Check out the article from Toronto Life about a couple who buys and renovates a mansion in Parkdale in an incredible display of extreme lack of self-awareness when it comes to wealth and privilege. Follow that up with the hilarious Crowd Funding response.

I Miss Him, He Is Missing Things

Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A post about my Dad each Sunday, named after a song that he loved.

Lately I have been really aware of all the things that my Dad has been missing (you know, by being dead.) As usual, strange things remind me of him. Here are the things he is missing out on this summer:

- So many superhero and action movies
- Sleeping in our cool cabinet bed
- Visits with the ever growing Minns family
- Lots of free events and festivals in Toronto
- Nautical style clothes becoming cheap and being everywhere
- Helping with our many outdoor house projects
- The new Game of Thrones season
- A lot of sailing

This doesn't even get into the extremely upsetting parts, like my wedding last year, or, meeting and playing with his grandchildren. There is always so much I want to share with him. I miss his happiness and excitement (something I am planning on writing about later.)

It Is Going To Be A Tough Week

I am still a bit down because of Father's Day and how much it reminds me of Dad's death. Unlike more organic remembrances, that may still be sad but are at least enjoyable nostalgia, Father's Day just makes me think about the fact he is missing from my life now. It is definitely painful. His birthday is also coming up on Wednesday so it is a rough time for grief all around.

My event is, and like all event planning, the last week is chaos. It is basically controlled panic. While I do enjoy it, I could never do events like this full time - too exhausting. Also, this is a massive event and there has been less time to plan it than normal, even for a smaller event.

Also, related to work, it seems local discontent is coming a bit to the surface, which in general is a good thing because it will allow me to address concerns and improve relationships. But really this isn't coming at a time when I have the time, energy, or even mental capacity to give it the attention it deserves.

One week from today, next Monday, I should be able to take a deep breath and feel more centered.

Happy Father's Day

Dad - I miss you.

National Siblings Day

According to my Facebook feed it is National Siblings Day. Though really it is only recognized in The States, everyone is posting photos of their brothers and sisters. I figured I would join the fun on Always Standing. Instead of posting a 'Throw Back' image, here is a recent one from September:

Mike and I at my wedding

September 23, 2016

Toronto City Hall, Ontario

Photo by Stephanie Beach Photography

He also was back in Ontario a couple of weeks ago. Instead of attending the funeral for Aunty Laura he chose to spend the money coming back to visit her before she died. He brought along Maya too since she is still young enough that you don't have to pay for an extra seat. Not only did they get to see our aunt but they spent a bit of time in Toronto with me too. I love hanging out with Mike, he is a great little brother!

Aunty Laura

I got notice this morning that my Aunty Laura had passed away over night. She has been sick for the last couple of months and had been put on palliative care a few weeks ago. Goodbye Aunty Laura, you will be missed.

Aunty Laura and I at my wedding

September 24, 2016

Toronto Island, Ontario

Photo by Stephanie Beach Photography

This is her official Obituary which will be published in the London Free Press on Friday:

Sweeton, Laura Delbridge 
April 5th, 2017 

Born March 13, 1943 and died at home on April 5, 2017. Predeceased by her father Alec, mother Berniece and brother George (Carol). Aunt to Christine (Jason) and Michael (Aimee), and Great-Aunt to Avery and Maya. Bridge player, collector, cat lover and traveler. The funeral service will be conducted at Westview Funeral Chapel, 709 Wonderland Road North, on Sunday, April 9th, 2017 at 1:30 p.m. with visitation one hour prior. Private interment, Exeter Cemetery. Those wishing to make a donation in memory of Laura are asked to consider the charity of your choice.

The Binder/File That No One Wants To Make

Before my father died I lived a very innocent life. Ignorant of the pain experienced after tragic loss and blind to the fact that the grief process may never truly end. I am far from enlightened now but I am experienced and I recognize similar feelings and situations when I witness friends and family dealing with death or dying.

One thing that is extremely helpful is to have a clear plan in place and to communicate your wishes openly with those around you. But, no one seems to want to talk about death, especially their own. Gord had completed a short worksheet about his funeral wishes and while I am sure the days following his unexpected death were a numb blur for Teri and her family, at least there was less decision making to be made, removing that element of stress from the process.

Having an 'end of life' binder or file is a good thing to do for the people you care about. You are helping to minimize any conflict between friends and family members with different ideas, providing details eliminates the need for speculation after you are gone, and mainly it eases the daunting logistical task of planing a funeral and handling an estate.

Here are two amazing resources, pick one and get on this:
-- The Death Wise Binder is incredible. You can print everything off HERE. This is my preferred choice because it is so thorough, beautifully organized, and includes a system of revisiting the data every 10 years. (Yes, it wants you do it on the '9' birthdays but just do the first version now and catch the next '9' birthday for a revise.) Admittedly it is massive and intense, at 24 pages long this option is overwhelming for even the most organized. It also shows you so many other types of documents that could/should be made.
-- For those looking for something a little bit simpler, the American Lung Association Life Planning Worksheet is a nice three-page option. You can print it HERE. This one covers the very basics and will at least help to start the thought processes and difficult conversations. In fact, you can skip the first two pages and just fill out the questions about a funeral and will on the third page. (Providing the location of  your will is really helpful, speaking from experience here.)

Not only should you fill this out, but copies should be shared with a few important people in your life as well. Also, a version of this document should be one done for every member of the family - regardless of age. The thing with these conversations is that they tend to get harder as you get older. Parents and grandparents are increasingly reluctant to share information pertaining to their death, and my generation will suffer for it as we will be the ones helping work through the inevitable - though hopefully far in the future.

Ignore excuses and get the information you need from those you care about - there isn't a 'good' day to talk about this. It is very common to find this type of discussion, organization, planning, and research upsetting. Questions and fears about mortality might be inevitable but try to shelve them for another time.

Just like I believe everyone should try to be open and comfortably talking about money, I am realizing I feel the same way about death and end-of-life planning!

A Perfect Poem

The service for Teri's father was opened today with a poem from Edgar Albert Guest, it was an excellent way to remind the gathered group of friends and family about the type of person Gord was:

It Couldn’t Be Done

Somebody said that it couldn’t be done
  But he with a chuckle replied
That “maybe it couldn’t,” but he would be one
  Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
  On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
  That couldn’t be done, and he did it!

Somebody scoffed: “Oh, you’ll never do that;
  At least no one ever has done it;”
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat
  And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
  Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
  That couldn’t be done, and he did it.

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
  There are thousands to prophesy failure,
There are thousands to point out to you one by one,
  The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle in with a bit of a grin,
  Just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing
  That “cannot be done,” and you’ll do it.

- Edgar Albert Guest, "The Path To Home," 1919

The rest of the Celebration of Life this afternoon followed suit and was a lovely string of friends and family coming forward to share their memories of Gord (including beautifully done speeches from Teri and Kevan.) It was a touching tribute to a wonderful man.

Shock And Sadness

Teri called me on Sunday evening with the terrible news that her father had passed away. It was sudden and unexpected - later determined to be the result of a brain aneurysm. I first met my best friend's dad, Gord Osmond about 25 years ago, and he is probably the kindest person I have ever known. His goodness moved beyond his polite and thoughtful demeanor and into action.

I always found it impressive that he taught Grade 8 for his entire career as a teacher - the students are at a very difficult age. But I can imagine that he would have been the perfect person to provide knowledge and guidance. Gord was a great balance of fun, intelligence, organization, and caring.

Always the athlete, Teri would tell me stories of her dad playing sports in high school, he continued to be active his entire life - playing hockey, baseball, curling, tennis, and more. He was involved with the local retired teachers organization. The activities and groups he was a part of often received the benefit of his participation at the executive level, helping to run and coordinate. Gord was generous with his time and active in the community. He was passionate about politics with a focus on education, healthcare, and equality.

Teri's house has always been a joy to visit - Bonnie and Gord have made their home in Paris and their cottage up north places of love and warmth, where I always felt welcome. Gord was a great father, it isn't just that Teri and Kevan grew up to be amazing people, which they did, but they were always awesome from the moment I met them. I witnessed from the age of 7 how involved and engaged Gord was with his family, his friends, his school, students, and hobbies. He touched so many lives and we are all much better for it. He will be dearly missed.

Three Years Ago Today

Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A Sunday post about my Dad, named after a song that he loved.

It still hurts. I think about my father often and I wish he was still here with every fiber of my being. He was gone too soon, even in three short years he has missed so many things that would have given him such joy. There is still more I want to share with him.

I got married.
Mom has a cat.
He became a grandfather, twice.
A house has been purchased and renovated.

The list goes on and if I start thinking about it too deeply it will hurt too much.

Grandma At Ipperwash

Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A Sunday post about my Dad, named after a song that he loved.

I realized that I didn't talk about the black and white photographs included on the In Memoriam Page of the wedding program when I posted about it last week. Aunty Laura emailed me recently that she liked that we had included the two photos of my grandmother. It was important for me to have her on that page as well, since it was sad that she couldn't be there for our wedding.

The images are a young one showing my Grandma about to pick up my Dad as a baby and then the two of them again in the 1990s taking the Laser out. I know that the top image, with Grandma on the boat, was taken at Ipperwash, since she always vacationed with us there. We have seen that life jacket before! I believe that the other photo at the bottom of the page might have also been taken at Ipperwash, since it looks like they are at a beach and they used to go there when Dad and Aunty Laura were kids.

In Memoriam In The Program

Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A post about my Dad each Sunday, named after a song that he loved.

In Memoriam Page

Wedding Program 2016

Photos by myself and Stephanie Beach Photography

Layout by me using Canva

One of the pages in our massive wedding program was dedicated to my dad. You can see it below. It included my favourite photo of Dad that I took in Portugal, a photo taken by Steph that was included in her Photo Essay after Dad's death, the poem When Great Trees Fall by Maya Angelou, as well as the poem we had read at his funeral by Henry Van Dyke, which I have included below.

Gone From My Sight 

 I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side, 

spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts 

for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. 

I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck 

of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other. 

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone." 

Gone where? 

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast, 

hull and spar as she was when she left my side. 

And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port. 

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her. 

 And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone," 

there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices 

ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!" 

And that is dying...

By Henry Van Dyke, 1904

Our Vows, Part 1

Jason and I agreed on a format for the wedding vows that we wrote - 6 pairs of statements. Each of the 6 vows would start by stating "I love you because.." with reasons why we love the other person, followed by a promise phrased "Because I love you..."

We wanted to be surprised up at the alter (not that we had an alter at our wedding) so we separately wrote them and didn't show each other. So that our guests could follow along with what we were saying, and so we could have a nice copy of them for prosperity, we did have them published in our program. We both submitted them to Kristen who covered them in all our proof reads and edits of the document.

These were mine:

Jason, I love you because you are fun and playful. 
Because I love you, I will not have an expectation that you must entertain me. 

I love you because you don’t let me get away with everything. 
Because I love you, I will not manipulate or lie to you. 

I love you because you are smart, hard working, and constantly reading. 
Because I love you, I will give you the space and quiet needed to be yourself. 

I love you because you have witnessed my grief and held my hand. 
Because I love you, I will work hard to stay healthy so you won’t experience my depression. 

I love you because you are kind and affectionate. 
Because I love you, I will build a family with you. 

I love you because you make me feel so calm. You are my home. 
Because I love you, I will support you, care for you, and share my life with you, as your partner - always.

My Big Extended Family

I have never considered my family particularly large, but when mapping it out I discovered it is a good size. I made a family tree, with photos, for our wedding program. I have used names in italics to indicate what I use to refer to my relatives, which is sometimes not their real names. Birth years for my cousins, nephew and niece are included, as well as, the years various couples got married. The banner at the top is just a collection of old photos of my relatives with the a rough estimate of the year they were taken. Check it out:

My Family Tree

Made by ME using Canva
Click image to view it larger.

And before you try to correct me, yes that is the way to spell my grandmother's name. Most people are Bernice but she has an extra 'e' and is Berneice.

Also, I have a hard time with my grandfather's name, since it is actually 'Alex.' However he died before my parents were even engaged so I only know him through family stories, and he was called 'Alec' and that 'ek' sound is so distinctive to my connection to his memory that it feels wrong to use the 'x'.

It was amazing to have everyone (living) from the above family free present at our wedding this weekend. As we get older and more relatives live further away this is becoming a very rare occurrence.

The Bag Boy

Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A post about my Dad each Sunday, named after a song that he loved.

As I mentioned yesterday, I have now done the Toronto Island Try-Tri three times. The first time in 2013 was only a few months before my dad's unexpected death. He had accompanied Mom, Jason, Teri, K, and I to the island to cheer us on and watch our stuff while we competed. When writing yesterday I came across the fact that Dad's last comment on Always Standing had been about my race that year.

Doing the race for the second time in 2015 was really difficult, I remember getting emotional on the last stretch of the run. I hoped he was proud that I was still doing this type of thing. I was sad that he missed the chance to hang out with a bigger group since more people came last year. I missed seeing his smiling face in the crowd. I think I held it together for the most part after the race.

This year was different. I was a mess after I finished running. I actually hadn't thought about it until I crossed the finish line and then it was a rush of emotion. Three years ago he had been there; now I picture his face but can't hear his voice in my head anymore. I know he is cheering me on but I forget what that sounds like. I miss his support and his energy. I cried for a long long time as I sat in the shade after I finished this year.

Changing Seasons

My dad would be turning 62 today if he was still alive. I had to check all the dates and timelines and birthdays again with my mom on the phone this evening cause I still have a hard time believing that he was only 59 when he died - though I mentioned that fact when I spoke at his funeral, my mind seems to reject it.

I always associate the summer solstice with Dad's birthday since he was born on June 21st. I actually would normally wait until the radio or TV or friends or co-workers started talking about how it was the start of summer and I would know I should call him to wish him happy birthday.

Yes, Father's Day was Sunday, and his birthday is today, and it does feel like it has been a hard few days. It was harder last year when it all landed on the same day. Another difference this year, June 21st isn't the first day of summer. Everyone was talking about it on Monday, yesterday. I didn't know it moved. So, of course, I looked it up online:

A solstice happens when the sun's zenith is at its furthest point from the equator. On the June solstice, it reaches its northernmost point and the Earth’s North Pole tilts directly towards the sun, at about 23.4 degrees. It's also known as the northern solstice because it occurs when the sun is directly over the Tropic of Cancer in the Northern Hemisphere. 

Even though most people consider June 21 as the date of the June Solstice, it can happen anytime between June 20 and June 22, depending on which time zone you're in. June 22 Solstices are rare - the last June 22 Solstice in took place in 1975 and there won't be another one until 2203. 

The varying dates of the solstice are mainly due to the calendar system – most western countries use the Gregorian calendar which has 365 days in a normal year and 366 days in a Leap Year. A tropical year, the time it takes the Earth to orbit the Sun completely, is ca. 365.242199 days, but varies slightly from year to year because of the influence of other planets. The exact orbital and daily rotational motion of the Earth, such as the “wobble” in the Earth's axis, also contributes to the changing solstice dates.

I looked at all the summer solstice dates going back almost 50 years and forward more than 30, it usually is June 21st. Besides starting summer on June 20th this year, it always was a full moon, which had everyone quite excited - since it is pretty rare to have these things line up. I didn't notice anything special - just sadness, missing my Dad.

He's Gone, On Father's Day

Sunday Mornin' Coming Down - A Sunday post about my Dad, named after a song that he loved.

When Great Trees Fall
By Maya Angelou 

When great trees fall,
rocks on distant hills shudder,
lions hunker down
in tall grasses,
and even elephants
lumber after safety.

When great trees fall
in forests,
small things recoil into silence,
their senses
eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,
the air around us becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.
Our memory,
suddenly sharpened,
examines,
gnaws on kind words
unsaid,
promised walks
never taken.

Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them, takes leave of us.
Our souls,
dependent upon their
nurture,
now shrink, wizened.
Our minds, formed
and informed by their
radiance,
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of dark, cold
caves.

And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed.