TB - January 2007

Throwback Thursday - Scroll to the bottom of the month and read up. Or click on the earliest post in the month (to view the post and the comments) then keep clicking Newer Post until you finish the month.

JANUARY 2007

Reading these Always Standing posts, from the page linked above, is a bit like watching a scary movie you have seen before, I know how it turns out but I am still upset to read about it again. I know what is coming. The early months of 2007 were terrible! It was the worst time in my life. I was dating S, and it was very unhealthy. But the bigger concern and danger, was that I was slowly spiraling into a massive depressive episode that would last months, and you can just start to see the hints of it coming.

Noted Post: I talk about vaccines so much, this is the month that I got my first of three Gardasal shots, the HPV vaccine.

Gutted

Out with the guys, trolling
I was so happy, glittering with hope
You caught me and I was yours
But I was scared and couldn't cope

I couldn't breath, you ignored me
But didn't let me have room to live
I loved you and you hurt me
You took everything but wouldn't give

My back bone gone and my life in ruin
You gleefully gutted me
Loving you had been my everything
And all I knew to be

And then you took the best parts of me
And prepared them over fire
You know you said you loved me
You God damn fucking lair

*Christine Sweeton: April 23, 2007

Time At Home

These past couple of weeks have been the hardest in my life so far and as usual with me, for no real reason that I can figure out. In order to try and feel better and figure sometimes out, I'm spending some time at home. I took the bus into KW yesterday and he picked me up. Sadly though he then broke up with me which was a little unexpected and occurring at the worst possible time. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would or should have been, I guess because I also knew it wasn't really working. On top of hurt I feel really angry and bitter, which is strange for me after a break-up. One of my thoughts is "I shaved and waxed my legs for this?".

The Count Down

In just 5 more days I get to see him. It will have been over a month since I saw him last. During my trip I'm going to see Ter, Miss T, my brothers band, and hopefully my parents. I'm really looking forward to it, even if it does mean over 14 hours on a bus. It also means that I will be in KW for St. Patrick's Day, a holiday that has never really meant that much to me. I'm going to have to the Irish spirit and get into it.

Good Trip

I'm back early from Montreal. It was a good trip. It had its ups and downs. The down parts included fighting with VIA about my student card, having the hotel maid steal my pillow, forgetting my wash bag at home with all my toiletries and medication, getting a little sick, and the trip being cut short because his second contract fell threw. The up parts included great food, sleeping next to him each night, walking through old Montreal, the Chrysler 300, realising that he really loves me, and riding the Metro. As in all cites there were some pigeons, which amusingly he calls "Urban Chickens". I love Montreal, it is such an awesome city.

Shattered Confidence

I screwed up socially again, and it is making me second guess how good I am at the whole social scene. Usually I feel like a total Social Goddess, but around him I always seem to fuck it up, now I'm second guessing myself all the time. Even wondering if the other weekend at Kristin's I was annoying and stupid, what if I'm just annoying and stupid all the time, and a select few people (Ami, The New Roommate, Teri, Steph, Em) think I'm great, and the rest of the time I just wander around pissing everyone off. Even my mother has told me I come across badly a lot of the time. I guess I know on some level that it takes a while to get used to my craziness, but I didn't think that was the case with everyone I meet, maybe it is.

Relaxing and Reflecting

I'm back in the O-town after nearly a week away. The trip was so much fun, I'm still smiling thinking about it all. I really love him. I'm going to miss having him around. It is good to be back to a normal routine though. Work, school, friends, repeat.

Postponing

I fought with him last night. I haven't been that hysterical in a very long time. Now this morning I'm thinking it over and realizing that even with that I have had a great visit. Since last night was so difficult, I would really like a nice evening before I head back home. I'm postponing my bus ride until late tonight or tomorrow. The reason I can do this is my professor just had a death in the family and canceled the two classes I was going back for. I send her my best wishes. Right now all I have is hope, hope that him and I can make this work, hope that I can get someone to take my shift tomorrow, hope that I can sleep on the bus ride back. So here's hoping.

Past, Present, Future

I'm thinking of him. At this moment, except for him, I have want for nothing. "Thus their talk of the future would often drift into talk of love, that is always timeless. On their lips, as in their hearts, would be words such as countless other lovers had spoken, for love is the sweetest monotony that was ever conceived of by the Creator." (R. Hall, "The Well Of Loneliness")

Sacrifice

I'm working a lot lately, pretty much everyday, often from fairly early until late at night. These hours have meant I have had to sacrifice a lot of things; time with friends, catching up with family, thinking about him, school work, quality of work, laundry, tidying and organizing of my room, my pets, keeping the house clean, etc. Basically so many things have been put on the back burner while I spend a couple of weeks working very hard to earn some much needed money. I realised though that one extremely important thing I have had to sacrifice is my television viewing. I missed House, The O.C, and even Grey's Anatomy this week.

More Christmas'

I'm off today for my second Christmas. I won't bother writing a poem this time. Both this year have felt very rushed as I wrap and shop at the last minute. It makes me wish my life was a little more organized. A lot of things are really complicated and confusing right now (and that is all I'm going to say about him.)

The Story Of My Heart

When I was young, J. and I created my Heart. As puppy love does, my Heart was born fresh and new. When it was over my Heart was barely even nicked or bruised. There was sadness, and tears, but nothing was broken, except a friendship as J. and I have never spoken since.

I then gave my Heart to S. as those that are young and excited do. He had it all, my Heart, so innocent and fawn like, with its shaky knobby knees. For years S. kindly kept my Heart, until it ran away, and for that I am so very sorry.

My Heart ran to M. who didn't know what to do with it. Thinking I was older, that I was wiser, that my Heart was stronger and grown up, I let M. have it with out closely watching what he did with it or how he cared for it. He dropped it. Somehow M. broke my Heart.

I tried to give P. my Heart, though it was too soon in everyway. P. never got or took my Heart. With P. everthing about me, and my Heart, was insecure, scared, weak, and confused. When P. left in a flurry of pain and tears, I think it shook my still broken Heart.

Now W. has my Heart. I handed it over timidly, scared of so many things. Embarrassed that my Heart was so wounded and beat up. Fearing that W. too would not know how to keep it, or mistreat it. W. has it, and watches it well. W. really cares for my Heart, lets it stay with him, and for that I am truly thankful.