Honest Toddler Stories

Last week I wrote about The Honest Toddler. It is so funny I thought it deserved a second post. These are collections of Tweets that seem to tell little stories. I don't have kids, hang out with many kids, or even remember very well what it was like to be a kid. But I know that these are funny because they are true:

----- from @HonestToddler Twitter 

Scones

Just tried scones for the first time. I don't get it. Generous triangles of terrible cake. 

Scones look like a legitimate pastry but once you taste them you know they just slipped through the cracks in the system. 

Why would you eat scones when doughnuts are a thing. You're just trying to feel rich. Adults, stop. 

You think flour says "I want to be a scone when I grow up?" No. They dream of greatness. Churros. Frozen waffles. Oreo cookies. 

Pouring out some red juice for all the flour that died only to be made into scones. So sad. 

Grownups, if you find out a friend likes scones maybe it's time to say goodbye? I don't know just throwing out ideas. 

A lot of you keep saying that you love scones with jam and cream. I love paper with jam and cream. Real pastries don't need condiments. 

And stop saying "clotted" cream. You're making up words now and you sound ridikilus. 

It's time for you to stop making excuses and start getting help for your scone addiction. 

Do it before the toddler in your life walks out on you. They might need help with the top door latch, but they will leave. 

The Bathroom
 
"May I have some bathroom privacy?" Sure. I mean I thought we were family but nevermind. :( 

"I need more privacy than that." Sitting at your feet instead of your lap isn't enough? Why don't I just catch the next rover to the moon. 

"I need you to leave and shut the door." What if I just shut the door. With me in here. 

"I don't need you in here with me." What if I told you I prepared a song? 

I can tell when I'm not wanted I just try not to let it stop me. 

Apples

Asked for an apple. Was handed a piece of fruit with a soft patch reminiscent of the top of an infant's head. No. 

"Eat around it." This is why you have so few friends. This attitude right here. 

Second apple looks like it just walked out of the ICU. Is it too much to ask for fruit that looks somewhat illustrated? 

Was just handed a whole apple. What am I four? An arctic wolf? I can still feel where my molars came in. Cut up, please. smh. [shaking my head] 

Too angry to eat these apples. I'll just have some crackers.

The Balloon

Thinking about all of the toddlers affected by balloons that flew away while also wishing I could have all of those balloons. 

All those balloons....who do you think you are....going around leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts. I need a minute. 

"Why didn't you let me tie it to your wrist?" So we're going to blame the victims. I can't. I can't with this.

Guess we both made mistakes. I forgot I was holding it. Balloon forgot the meaning of friendship.