Tuesday, 1 August 2017

Ok, So It Is Here, Again

I am depressed.

It isn't that hard to talk about it because I have trained myself over the years to be as open and honest about this as possible. However easy it might be to admit it is happening, it isn't easy to go through - it is scary.

I haven't felt this way in six years, my last big crash was a long one from the end of 2010 all through 2011 and possibly into the start of 2012 as well. I met Jason in the middle of 2012 so, while he knows that I have clinical depression, he hasn't actually ever seen it happen.

Starting around mid-July with a combo hit of Saturday drinking and a Sunday/Monday without one of my pills I started the slow annoying spiral. Luckily it was the 'body' pills so my thoughts didn't get messed up. However, it has now been at least two full weeks of feeling really down and I have been fighting hard to not let it affect my work or social life.

I fixed the missing pill issue right away, quickly improved my diet, luckily had my mom around for a week to give me some guidance, am careful with my nighttime sleep habits, etc. I get into work everyday and I haven't bailed on social engagements. My thoughts are okay, nothing horrible happening and when they do get negative I am able to challenge and defuse them. However, I am crying a lot, spending way to much time in bed during the day time, not enjoying things like I usually do, and generally feel like shit all the time.

Working out is the main thing on my list right now where I am lacking. Getting some cardio exercise into my daily routine would probably help, but when I feel like this it isn't an easy thing to do. I also should think about seeing someone about it - a doctor, councilor, or psychiatrist. I don't want to mess with my pills again though and it is a struggle to find someone good to talk to, it is also expensive.

But I am fighting this, got to keep fighting it.


Sweeton said...

Absolutely exercise but I agree I think it is important to find a counselor. I know you will get through this bout too, you are strong and resilient, have a good support system and understand what you are dealing with.
Love you

Anonymous said...

I echo your moms comments. You are a very strong, open, and resilient person. This too shall pass.

Love you!

Anonymous said...

Love that you post this, love that you're open and normalizing emotional health, love reading about your amazing insight and courage. Love you.