I am back this week at The BIA because the big annual event is tomorrow and they needed some help. It is much harder to be back there than I thought it would be. There are lots of enjoyable aspects: I love events, being good at something is a nice reminder that I am talented and employable, it is nice to have structure in my schedule again, and it is great to see all the people.
However, being at the office also reminds me so much of my dad and not in a good way - I got the phone call in November while I was at work. My uncle had been trying to get a hold of me all morning but my cell phone was off or on silent or something and eventually he called me at work. It was a devastating phone call and somehow it feels like the whole office is tainted by that moment when my life fell apart.
Father's Day is on Sunday and both my personal and work email keep filling up with various retail-based reminders and promotions focused around dads. It isn't a big deal each time, since I tend to get tons of promotion-type emails I just delete them like the rest. However, by the end of the day it is added up so much that it feels like a huge weight of sadness. My dad's birthday is also the following weekend.
I just miss him so much. I want to be able to celebrate how great he was and focus on all the happy memories but that seems really hard right now. I am crying every night about it. The day ends and I make it to bed, then it all comes crashing down - all this pain I am carrying throughout the day.