The Honest Toddler

I don't know much about The Honest Toddler, except that the Twitter Feed is hilarious! I don't know who writes it or from where or even for how long, but if you have Twitter you should follow @HonestToddler and if not I have included some of my favorite posts below:

-----------------from Twitter 

Alarm clocks. Adults do you mean to tell me that without a machine you would not wake up in the morning? Your body is in shambles.

"All you need is love." See? Nothing about pants. 

Daddy hurt my feelings. His exact words were "Eat your breakfast." Can't stop crying. 

Toddler Tip: Your mouth is like a pocket for your face. Put things in there. Anything. 

"If you behave I'll give you a treat at the end." Gonna need half up front and I promise nothing. 

Quiche for lunch. It's basically a pie that couldn't stick to the script. Crying. 

 "This isn't a restaurant." Believe me I'm aware- you would have been out of business years ago.

BLUE AND YELLOW MAKE GREEN. Why I didn't I see this before? All the signs were there. 

Trying to figure out who my friends are: How many of you knew about waffle cones but failed to say anything? 

So what is Target like the promised land for adults or something. Been here for eleventy hours. 

We're leaving now and I didn't get a snack. Thanks for being so selfish. :( PS. I'm crying. 

Infant at the park thinks she's cool for mastering object permanence. #basic 

Fell down and was just denied a Band Aid because "there's no blood." EMOTIONAL SCARS DON'T BLEED 

Hug and kiss? I don't want your homeopathic remedies. I need treatment.

The reason adults eat things like spaghetti squash is because they're old and their taste buds have been dead for some time.

"You don't have to take a nap, just lie down." Yeah right everyone knows lying down is a gateway drug to sleeping. #UPRIGHT 

 "How do we ask for things?" The red tape in this place is ridiculous.

Don't say you love someone then six hours later make quinoa. 

If sweet potato fries were a person, they'd be arrested for impersonating a celebrity. 

I could say "I'm done eating" but pushing my plate to the floor is how I live my truth.

"What are you doing in my purse?" What are you doing sneaking up on people? 

Would love to help pick up the family room but what with all these labor laws...wouldn't want to get anyone in trouble. 

Pooed in the bath. From the way she's looking at me you'd think I robbed a church. 

Just so you know when you come in to give goodnight kisses smelling like Cheetos it's like a slap in the face. 

Asked for a second bedtime story. You would have thought I requested launch codes. Nevermind. 


I know Lochlan is only 6 months or so, but I bet his is already starting to think some of these things. Taylor can probably confirm.