Shattered

Rough day today as I realized I had been deluding myself a bit about Paris and my dad. I think on some level I thought I was going to go and see him. I catch myself with these strange subconscious delusions every now and then. I don't realize that I am doing it, because if I did I would know that I was being stupid. For example, seeing the something and it making me think, "Oh, next time I see Dad I will need to ask him about it" or "I should call Dad and tell him about that." I think it so quickly, as part of a pile of other rapid thoughts that I don't notice until the third or fourth time it happens. When I do clue in to it happening, it is always so upsetting.

So, on some level, off and on for the last week or two, I have been thinking that both my parents are in Paris and have been excited to head off Wednesday night to go see them. It was painful to realize on a more conscious level today what I had been quietly deluding myself into feeling/thinking. It was actually shattering, he isn't going to be there!

Mom and Dad always visited Granny and Pa when they were off staying somewhere abroad for a long period of time. I was always excited for the shift of generations to occur and that Mom and Dad would be off living somewhere amazing for a couple of months and I would take my significant other to go and visit. That dream isn't gone, but it has been adjusted and the gap of not having Dad there is really weighing on my today as I start to wrap my head around leaving for Paris tomorrow.